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Moving out of state - split kids between parents or not??

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:18 PM
  • 13 Replies

I am struggling with a decision of moving 500 miles away from home. I am 28 and have two kids; a soon to be 8 year old boy and a soon to be 5 year old girl. I am not with their father anymore. He doesn't have any legal rights to them as of right now but I know if I do move he will end up taking me to court to get his rights that are owed to him. Which I agree he should have them, it would make the situation fair. We get along for the most part and he is somewhat an active parent in our kid's lives. I do believe this move will better me and my children lives and that the opportunity has come at the right time.

These are the questions that keep running through my mind.....

Is it wrong to take the kids away from their father, even if it's for a new and improved life for us?

Is leaving my son with his dad and bringing my daughter with me the right thing to do? But, if I do that is it bad that I'm giving my daughter the possibility of a better life than her brother all because of their gender?

I feel I am thinking of all the cons and leaving the pros out of the decision making. Being a mother people will look at the situation differently then they would if I was a father asking your opinion if it is wrong that he wants to move 500 miles away from his children.The thought of a mother leaving behind a child is crazy talk to most people. I'm supposed to want to be with my child. Believe me, it isn't that I don't want to take my son with me. I'm just thinking of all of the solutions to my dilemma and what would be best for all parties.

I joined CafeMom because I came across a similar post on the website and thought I should join and get people's opinion.

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Bleacheddecay
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:12 PM

The desertion of a mother is absolutely emotionally devastating to a child.

Father desertion isn't great but since it is much more common in society kids seem to cope with it not well but better.

Being separated from your mother and sister to live with a previously not involved father isn't a good option IMO. Frankly, it's not one I would ever consider either. I'm having some trouble understanding why you would consider it. Is it fear of legal attacks by the ex?

xantla19725
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:36 PM
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No fear of legal attacks by their father. I'm sure he will go to court to get the right to them every other holiday and such, which I believe he is entitled to. He is involved with them, but in my eyes could be more involved. He gets them at least overnight weekly and some weeks more than once. He also goes to most events that don't conflict with work. My son might be young but he might not want to leave his dad becasuse they do have a different type of bond then we do as mother and son. My son has mentioned before he wouldn't want to leave his dad and could live with him.

The solutions to this are.....Me and both kids leave, we don't go at all, or we give my son the choice of staying with his dad.

 

beadingmom17
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:46 PM
Why can't you move and work out a visitation schedule? Like, drive and meet half way twice a month and they spend the weekend with him, then in the summer they could stay a month with him or something.
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a_and_j_momma
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:29 PM
There is no reason the kids should be split up and you two cannot work out a visitation schedule. What you described doesn't sound like he doesn't see them. To answer your question, I wouldn't seperate my kids from their father or each other

How will your life benefit from the move? What would it provide different for your kids?
countrygirlkat
by Kathleen on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:46 PM

First off welcome to CafeMom and to the Advice for Moms group.  Okay, now on to your questions.  I personally would do all I could to stay close to the other parent. To me I would weigh if the financial benefits and improved living situation would outweigh the benefits of mentally having both parents be a very active part of the children's lives.  I don't know your situation so I cannot tell you the right answer to that question but I would really see if there is another way.

As for the separation of the kids if you do decide to move, I would never do that. To me not only will they be having to deal with moving away from their father(or having their mother move away) but they will then have to miss their sibling and friend as well?  That is just asking too much of them in my opinion.  I would keep the kids together if you do move and take every opportunity to have them go spend time with their father so if that means they go stay with him every school break and most of the summer then to me that is better then seperating them. 

stephie2603
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:01 AM
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I do not think you should split the kids. I think they need each other. Especially going to a new place. They will support each other in ways you can't.
Jenn8604
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:08 AM
Take both kids and let him have summers and Christmas break IF HE ACTUALLY WANTS THEM.
That's what the kids I baby-sit had happen to them. One parent is in IL the other CT they live with mom for the school year and dad all summer and Christmas break.
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janessa27
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:40 AM

Welcome to Cafemom! As far as your question

Is it wrong to take the kids away from their father, even if it's for a new and improved life for us? I think if you feel you are doing the best for your kids then you guys can make it work with visitations, etc

Is leaving my son with his dad and bringing my daughter with me the right thing to do? Honestly I couldn't and wouldn't want to separate my kids

 But, if I do that is it bad that I'm giving my daughter the possibility of a better life than her brother all because of their gender? I think this is more of a reason to keep both of them with you~ why not give them both a possibility of a better life.

illogicalkat
by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:19 AM

Don't split them. My husband and his siblings were split up as kids, and as adults they have horrible relationships with each other and the other (non-custodial) parents. Seriously, it's not worth it.

If you must move, keep both with you and have them visit their father together.

ceciliam
by Cecilia on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:21 PM

Sounds like you have a tough decision to make but I couldn't imagine leaving a child behind. Have you talked to their father about this or are you just trying to figure it out all on your own?

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