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toddler tantrum! help!

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:18 AM
  • 22 Replies
My three year old is way out of line already. She yells at me, throws stuff at me, pushes her sister around, and never listens. DH is hundreds of miles away working and doesn't come until November, every time she visits grandma she comes back worse. She's even being rude to my mom who takes care of them while I work. I decided to take her toys away. I put them in a bag and stashed them in my closet. It's been literally non stop crying for 20 mind and on going. Nothing else is working I hoping this does.

How would/do you deal with this?
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mommynwife26
by Brianna on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:22 AM
2 moms liked this
Do you do time outs?? Swatting on her butt? (NOT spanking) and of course rewarding her for good behavoir? We do the token system. I got marbles from the $1 with a bowl and anytime my kids do something good ie for my 3yr old, picks up her toys, doesn't have a melt down when I say no, does something I tell her to without telling ME no etc she earns a token. Then they turn their tokens in for things like water park, candy, a small toy, TV time or if they save a trip for ice cream. It works really well.
lizz08
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:33 AM
I feel I've tried everything. She literally has told me "no voy a ser caso" which means I will not listen. I've rewarded her for good behavior, always have but that's a good idea. Kind of like earning enough points for something special. I will try that. Thank you.

P.s. she finally stopped crying....I take that back... it was just a breather.

Quoting Mommynwife26: Do you do time outs?? Swatting on her butt? (NOT spanking) and of course rewarding her for good behavoir? We do the token system. I got marbles from the $1 with a bowl and anytime my kids do something good ie for my 3yr old, picks up her toys, doesn't have a melt down when I say no, does something I tell her to without telling ME no etc she earns a token. Then they turn their tokens in for things like water park, candy, a small toy, TV time or if they save a trip for ice cream. It works really well.
Mommynwife26
by Brianna on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:41 AM
It will be difficult but be consistent it can take a few weeks for her to catch on to the token system and also make sure you do 1 punishment for her bad behavior like a time out. Dealing with a difficult and defiant child takes a lot of time and patience but it is pretty normal at this age to push boundaries. My youngest was/is the same way. She is a lot better now then 6 months ago but there is still days she pushes me. I just have to remember to pick my battles too. Just breathe and have a drink lol. Also let her cry cause eventually she will stop or fall asleep.

Quoting lizz08: I feel I've tried everything. She literally has told me "no voy a ser caso" which means I will not listen. I've rewarded her for good behavior, always have but that's a good idea. Kind of like earning enough points for something special. I will try that. Thank you.

P.s. she finally stopped crying....I take that back... it was just a breather.

Quoting Mommynwife26: Do you do time outs?? Swatting on her butt? (NOT spanking) and of course rewarding her for good behavoir? We do the token system. I got marbles from the $1 with a bowl and anytime my kids do something good ie for my 3yr old, picks up her toys, doesn't have a melt down when I say no, does something I tell her to without telling ME no etc she earns a token. Then they turn their tokens in for things like water park, candy, a small toy, TV time or if they save a trip for ice cream. It works really well.
happynewyorker
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:35 PM
1 mom liked this

Mommynwife26, is right.  Time out and being consistent.  Is the key.  I use to watch Nanny With Jo Frost and she gave good advice.  When my little one at the time (she's 10 now), acted out she received time out.  If she got up, she went back to time out.  It's a control thing right now for your 3 year old.  You have to take charge on the behavior.  You think it's bad now, wait until they turn into teenagers.  bump

emarin77
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:37 PM
1 mom liked this

When my son was 3 he would hit me and his father.  We would put him in a time out each time he hit and taught him to use his words, "I'm angry, we do not hit."  Within 2 months he started using his words.  At 4 he was using his words 95% of the time and now at 6 he uses his words 99% of the time.   My son starting hitting us because his communication became jumbled and we couldn't understand him.  We had our son evaluated by a psychologist and found out that our son has mild Autism. 

My son used to throw wooden blocks at me too and never listened.  We took away his blocks at that time.  I also changed his activity if he didn't listen.  Her crying shows that she has difficulty communicating her needs.

If her behavier is affecting her and your life I suggest having her evaluated by a private psychologist.

HAHuskey
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:54 PM
I have a 1yo dd and I just ignore her while she's having the tantrum. She doesn't throw stuff at me though. If she did, is swat her butt. Just one or two swats on the diaper. Not even hard enough to sting if you had hit skin, so it won't hurt through clothes and a diaper. Just get their attention.
Retrokitty
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:25 PM
Worst thing you can do.

OP kids don't listen. That part of the brain isn't developed yet. Their impulses run the show at the moment.
The best thing you can do first and foremost is mirror the behaviour you want to see. Kids learn to act from you. Don't want them to hit, yell, or tantrum? Don't hit, yell, or tantrum.
You can expect her to have listening skills, impulse, and emotional control skills at such a young age. As parents that's something we need to teach our children.
Punishment only teaches a child the behaviour is wrong, it doesn't show them what to do instead. Behind every behaviour is a reason for the behaviour. Instead of punishing the bad behaviour, find the reason behind that and solve it. The behaviour is much more likely to stop that way.
Think about it. If a child throws a tantrum and you punish them for it, what does that do? It teaches then the behaviour is wrong (if that). However the next time they get mad they will still repeat the behaviour because all though they may know it's wrong, they were never taught what to do instead.
So if you teach them skills like emotional control techniques the next time they get angry they will know what to do. Although it won't happen over night, and it takes a lot of parenting involvement.

What kind of things doesn't she listen to?

Try to give her choices. "Do you want to pick up your toys now? Or in five minutes?" If she refuses then pick her up, open her hand and physically make her pick them up. You can also try just taking away the toys, but that doesn't always work.
Try to stick to logical and natural consequences.



Quoting HAHuskey: I have a 1yo dd and I just ignore her while she's having the tantrum. She doesn't throw stuff at me though. If she did, is swat her butt. Just one or two swats on the diaper. Not even hard enough to sting if you had hit skin, so it won't hurt through clothes and a diaper. Just get their attention.
HAHuskey
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 6:26 PM
1 mom liked this
So, if a 1 year old throws a fit because you won't let her knock coasters off the table, what are you suggesting? As I said, I let her know I won't cave by ignoring it. I do tell her "We don't throw tantrums when we don't get what we want" then sit her in the floor and continue doing whatever. I don't throw coasters in the floor but, they do it. There is nothing to offer as a choice, they just shouldn't throw things. If I take it and they keep on, I spank to teach them that there is consequences to bad behavior. Not punishing a child is the worst thing you can do. It teaches them that if they act up, you will just let them do whatever. In adult life, if we break rules, we are punished. Teaching kids that an authority figure WILL punish them is best.

Quoting Retrokitty: Worst thing you can do.

OP kids don't listen. That part of the brain isn't developed yet. Their impulses run the show at the moment.
The best thing you can do first and foremost is mirror the behaviour you want to see. Kids learn to act from you. Don't want them to hit, yell, or tantrum? Don't hit, yell, or tantrum.
You can expect her to have listening skills, impulse, and emotional control skills at such a young age. As parents that's something we need to teach our children.
Punishment only teaches a child the behaviour is wrong, it doesn't show them what to do instead. Behind every behaviour is a reason for the behaviour. Instead of punishing the bad behaviour, find the reason behind that and solve it. The behaviour is much more likely to stop that way.
Think about it. If a child throws a tantrum and you punish them for it, what does that do? It teaches then the behaviour is wrong (if that). However the next time they get mad they will still repeat the behaviour because all though they may know it's wrong, they were never taught what to do instead.
So if you teach them skills like emotional control techniques the next time they get angry they will know what to do. Although it won't happen over night, and it takes a lot of parenting involvement.

What kind of things doesn't she listen to?

Try to give her choices. "Do you want to pick up your toys now? Or in five minutes?" If she refuses then pick her up, open her hand and physically make her pick them up. You can also try just taking away the toys, but that doesn't always work.
Try to stick to logical and natural consequences.



Quoting HAHuskey: I have a 1yo dd and I just ignore her while she's having the tantrum. She doesn't throw stuff at me though. If she did, is swat her butt. Just one or two swats on the diaper. Not even hard enough to sting if you had hit skin, so it won't hurt through clothes and a diaper. Just get their attention.
Retrokitty
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 6:39 PM
You can discipline without punishing. For a 1 year old you should be using redirection and distraction. They are all impulse.

Studies show that almost all children stop being impulsive at similar times. Spanking vs redirecting has shown no difference between the time the child stops touching things. So if spanking is not needed why would you use it? Now children who aren't disciplined at all are another story.

Also even in the adult world punishment doesn't actually work. Countries (like America) that push jail have higher crime rates. Countries that push rehabilitation have much lower crime rates.

The same can be seen in parenting. Parents who focus on teaching often have kids who show resilience. They can adapt well and understand how to use emotional control. Children who are spanked may obey but show less self and emotional control.

I will also point out jails are filled with people who were spanked, not children who weren't.

I work with parents on changing their parenting approaches from punitive to non punitive. After the first 1-2 months all the children were MUCH better behaved. It's been 6 months now and most parents report little problems with their children. We are tricked into thinking the only way to discipline out children is to use punishment when in reality it rarely works. A lot of it is correlation. Parents use both teaching and punishing. So many times they think it's the punishing when in reality it's the teaching how to do things.


Quoting HAHuskey: So, if a 1 year old throws a fit because you won't let her knock coasters off the table, what are you suggesting? As I said, I let her know I won't cave by ignoring it. I do tell her "We don't throw tantrums when we don't get what we want" then sit her in the floor and continue doing whatever. I don't throw coasters in the floor but, they do it. There is nothing to offer as a choice, they just shouldn't throw things. If I take it and they keep on, I spank to teach them that there is consequences to bad behavior. Not punishing a child is the worst thing you can do. It teaches them that if they act up, you will just let them do whatever. In adult life, if we break rules, we are punished. Teaching kids that an authority figure WILL punish them is best.

Quoting Retrokitty: Worst thing you can do.

OP kids don't listen. That part of the brain isn't developed yet. Their impulses run the show at the moment.
The best thing you can do first and foremost is mirror the behaviour you want to see. Kids learn to act from you. Don't want them to hit, yell, or tantrum? Don't hit, yell, or tantrum.
You can expect her to have listening skills, impulse, and emotional control skills at such a young age. As parents that's something we need to teach our children.
Punishment only teaches a child the behaviour is wrong, it doesn't show them what to do instead. Behind every behaviour is a reason for the behaviour. Instead of punishing the bad behaviour, find the reason behind that and solve it. The behaviour is much more likely to stop that way.
Think about it. If a child throws a tantrum and you punish them for it, what does that do? It teaches then the behaviour is wrong (if that). However the next time they get mad they will still repeat the behaviour because all though they may know it's wrong, they were never taught what to do instead.
So if you teach them skills like emotional control techniques the next time they get angry they will know what to do. Although it won't happen over night, and it takes a lot of parenting involvement.

What kind of things doesn't she listen to?

Try to give her choices. "Do you want to pick up your toys now? Or in five minutes?" If she refuses then pick her up, open her hand and physically make her pick them up. You can also try just taking away the toys, but that doesn't always work.
Try to stick to logical and natural consequences.



Quoting HAHuskey: I have a 1yo dd and I just ignore her while she's having the tantrum. She doesn't throw stuff at me though. If she did, is swat her butt. Just one or two swats on the diaper. Not even hard enough to sting if you had hit skin, so it won't hurt through clothes and a diaper. Just get their attention.
HAHuskey
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 6:50 PM
Now I understand. I hardly ever spank. I try to redirect and distract. Only if it's something that is hazardous that EVERY other thing won't work on. For example: she like to crawl under cars while playing outside. For a week, she made it a goal to get under the car. I redirected and distracted as much as physically possible, took her inside and didn't let her out the rest of the day, even(so kinda grounded her). Eventually I just did a solid(and not hard AT ALL) pat on the diaper. after doing it twice, she quit. I'm not saying you have to spank.

I just thought you were saying that you should never punish your kids. Where I live "punish" and "discipline" are interchangeable. Lol

Quoting Retrokitty: You can discipline without punishing. For a 1 year old you should be using redirection and distraction. They are all impulse.

Studies show that almost all children stop being impulsive at similar times. Spanking vs redirecting has shown no difference between the time the child stops touching things. So if spanking is not needed why would you use it? Now children who aren't disciplined at all are another story.

Also even in the adult world punishment doesn't actually work. Countries (like America) that push jail have higher crime rates. Countries that push rehabilitation have much lower crime rates.

The same can be seen in parenting. Parents who focus on teaching often have kids who show resilience. They can adapt well and understand how to use emotional control. Children who are spanked may obey but show less self and emotional control.

I will also point out jails are filled with people who were spanked, not children who weren't.

I work with parents on changing their parenting approaches from punitive to non punitive. After the first 1-2 months all the children were MUCH better behaved. It's been 6 months now and most parents report little problems with their children. We are tricked into thinking the only way to discipline out children is to use punishment when in reality it rarely works. A lot of it is correlation. Parents use both teaching and punishing. So many times they think it's the punishing when in reality it's the teaching how to do things.


Quoting HAHuskey: So, if a 1 year old throws a fit because you won't let her knock coasters off the table, what are you suggesting? As I said, I let her know I won't cave by ignoring it. I do tell her "We don't throw tantrums when we don't get what we want" then sit her in the floor and continue doing whatever. I don't throw coasters in the floor but, they do it. There is nothing to offer as a choice, they just shouldn't throw things. If I take it and they keep on, I spank to teach them that there is consequences to bad behavior. Not punishing a child is the worst thing you can do. It teaches them that if they act up, you will just let them do whatever. In adult life, if we break rules, we are punished. Teaching kids that an authority figure WILL punish them is best.

Quoting Retrokitty: Worst thing you can do.

OP kids don't listen. That part of the brain isn't developed yet. Their impulses run the show at the moment.
The best thing you can do first and foremost is mirror the behaviour you want to see. Kids learn to act from you. Don't want them to hit, yell, or tantrum? Don't hit, yell, or tantrum.
You can expect her to have listening skills, impulse, and emotional control skills at such a young age. As parents that's something we need to teach our children.
Punishment only teaches a child the behaviour is wrong, it doesn't show them what to do instead. Behind every behaviour is a reason for the behaviour. Instead of punishing the bad behaviour, find the reason behind that and solve it. The behaviour is much more likely to stop that way.
Think about it. If a child throws a tantrum and you punish them for it, what does that do? It teaches then the behaviour is wrong (if that). However the next time they get mad they will still repeat the behaviour because all though they may know it's wrong, they were never taught what to do instead.
So if you teach them skills like emotional control techniques the next time they get angry they will know what to do. Although it won't happen over night, and it takes a lot of parenting involvement.

What kind of things doesn't she listen to?

Try to give her choices. "Do you want to pick up your toys now? Or in five minutes?" If she refuses then pick her up, open her hand and physically make her pick them up. You can also try just taking away the toys, but that doesn't always work.
Try to stick to logical and natural consequences.



Quoting HAHuskey: I have a 1yo dd and I just ignore her while she's having the tantrum. She doesn't throw stuff at me though. If she did, is swat her butt. Just one or two swats on the diaper. Not even hard enough to sting if you had hit skin, so it won't hurt through clothes and a diaper. Just get their attention.
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