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why do people say "its ok, he is fine."

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 1:22 AM
  • 24 Replies
I have a 7yr old boy im adopting. He has been with us for almost a year. Im new to being a mom... and very concerned about manners and behavior. When I do small polite corrections in regards to manners people say, "oh its ok he is fine." I hate that. Any advice? I was raised with manners and I intend to raise my son the same way.
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 1:22 AM
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by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 1:25 AM
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They probably say it's fine, because they feel it's fine. Just tell them that behavior isn't fine with you and needs to be corrected.
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by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 1:56 AM
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They feel like they are the reason he is being scolded. Guilt
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 1:57 AM
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Just ignore them and keep teaching him manners.

by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:21 AM

I say ignore too. But if you feel you need to reply, tell them its an issue he is having trouble with and you need to correct him when it happens.

by Barb on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:42 AM
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They likely don't want to cause him or you embarrassment.  They shouldn't say it is fine, but being polite, it just slips out before they think. They don't want you to think they were offended.

by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 3:00 PM

He should have manners instilled in him.  Good job being a parent.

by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 3:26 PM
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It's not because he's adopted.  It happens with my son as well. And if you think about it, it happens to us as adults as well.  

If you say excuse me, or tell your child to say excuse me to someone they are interrupting or trying to get by, you generally get an "oh it's fine" or " oh, no problem".  If you say, "I'm sorry" for bumping into someone or some other little infraction, you typically get, "no problem" or "it's fine".  Those who have been taught to excuse themselves or apologize for small little inconveniences to others usually encounter that response.  I think,people genuinely want you to know that there was no harm, no offense taken, etc.  When it happens to you as an adult, it's easy to just overlook it and move on.  

But when it happens when you try to teach your kids to be mindful and considerate of others, it almost feels like they are trying to undermine what you're trying to teach your child.  Which can be frustrating.  But I really don't think most people mean it that way.  They just don't have a different response handy and reply in autopilot.  If it's people that you see often, speak to them about it and encourage them to reply to an "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" with  a "thank you" or "thank you for your nice manners", instead.  That way they are reinforcing the skill that you are trying to teach.

If it's a situation where you are correcting behavior (running/shouting in the house, touching things they shouldn't, interrupting, etc) and the person replies with, "Oh, he's fine".  Respond with, "I appreciate your understanding, but this is a skill that we are working on" and continue to remind/reinforce the appropriate behavior with your child.  You have to assert your right to parent the way you know you need to parent, even when others are around.  Again, I don't think they are deliberately trying to undermine you so much as just wanting you to know that they aren't put out or offended by your child running/shouting/interrupting, etc.  They also don't want to feel like they are the reason that the child "gets in trouble", so to speak, even if that only amounts to a verbal reminder of the expectations.

Good luck and hang in there. Keep doing your thing and people will figured out eventually . . . Or at least your son will figure out that their comments don't change what's expected.

I will also add that giving your reminders/corrections privately (whispered in his ear if necessary) helps cut down on the "feedback" a bit.  I will sometimes mouth, "say thank you" or "say excuse me" to my DS.  Or at this point I can just make eye contact and tilt my head a certain way and he'll catch the reminder to go thank a person, etc. When it seems like it's coming from them instead of you, people tend to respond a little better.  Also, pre-correcting or pre-reminders work as well.  If you know that you're going into a crowded situation, remind him ahead of time, "remember to say excuse me when you move by people" or "remember to offer a handshake and introduce yourself when Grammy's friends speak to you".  Practice those skills a few times before you go into the situation.  Make a game of it.  Say, "I'll bet you can introduce yourself like a gentleman 3 times tonight at Grammy's party", to which he'll probably reply that he's sure he can do it 5 times.  LOL

by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 4:00 PM

Just say "I appreciate that, but it's not fine. We're trying to instill manners, and he needs to understand  what is and is not appropriate."

by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 4:05 PM
I don't feel you need to explain to anyone why you are correcting his behavior. Let's say you're wanting him to apologize and they say it's fine, just continue with instructing him to apologize.

They may not see whatever being a big deal, doubt they mean ill by saying that. Don't let that get to you
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 4:07 PM
1 mom liked this
I get the same way. I have 3 "spirited" boys who speak politely very well but their behavior has to be reigned in occasionally. No, salesperson, it's not ok to be climbing on all the furniture in the store!
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