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Should I cut ties with this family member?

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:16 PM
  • 13 Replies
I get along with my parents and my sister really well. My little brother is very selfish. I know he has struggles because he is adopted and is gay and says he is having trouble dealing with those (even though we don't care and love him the same). But he is still such an asshole sometimes! He lives in Houston and I live in Austin 3 hours away. The following example is one of this type of incident that occurs towards me from my brother on average every few months several times a year for about 4 years now: He and my dad travel and work together for the family business and were in town last week so they stopped by for a little bit before having to drive back. When they arrived in my driveway, He took the work van and told my dad he was "going to grab something to eat real quick" and my dad said ok and came in the house. I had not seen my brother as of yet as he did this right as they pulled in the driveway. I am on bed rest and must stay in bed right now so when only my dad walked in, I asked where my brother was. Right then, my dads phone rang and it was my brother saying he was just going to keep on driving and not come back to my house and go to Houston bc "he had plans" for the night. This was leaving my dad stranded mid-week in Austin, my son and daughter anticipating seeing their uncle (my brother) who just bailed on them, and who did not even bother to come into my house and say hi to me or my kids. I only get to see him about 5-6 times a year either on holidays or when they happen to be travelling through town. My husband was also pulling in the driveway only seconds behind them pulling in the driveway bc he left his work early for the day so he could come see my dad and my brother before they headed back to Houston. My husband waved at my brother and was being cheerful and mouthed "hi" through the van window as my dad was getting out of the van and my brother just looked at him blankly and backed out to "go get something to eat" as he told my dad. My dad ended up having to stay the night, cancel his job for the next day that was scheduled bc my brother just left him here and took the van all the way back to Houston, my 5 year old son was crying bc his feelings were hurt that his uncle would be here, in another city, sitting in our driveway and not even come in the house to play with him or see him, my daughter was too young to realize, but I was extremely hurt that he would act this way towards them, my dad, and my husband and I. I am over it! Crap like this happens every few months, and then he acts like nothing happened. He has never done this to my sister, only me. I don't know if its bc she is much older than us? One time he randomly deleted me from his Facebook, and I mean very randomly, as the week before it was Christmas and we were together and everything was great. Then he decided he suddenly didn't want to talk to me for like 2 months and he missed my birthday during that time period. no call, no nothing. Should I just cut my ties? This type of stuff has been going on way to long. My parents even had to lecture him on how to behave at my wedding as a "preventative" "just in case". I am 32 and he is 29, so he is definitely an adult and old enough to not act like this. And my second question is, if I do cut ties, how do I behave or what do i say/do around him when I will see him at family holidays and celebrations? Thanks in advance! I could handle his crap when it was just me, but now that my kids are getting old enough to be the brunt of this, I feel I need to protect them from his crap as they don't need to be subjected to unwanted hurt from an adult who knows better.

Sorry this was so long!!
by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AM-BRAT
by Amber on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:19 PM
Drama. I couldn't get past the run-on sentence about him taking off in the van.

Idk what advice to give, what is the actual question lol.

I guess just avoid him, if that's what you're getting at.
AmandaWiggins
by Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:25 PM
Thank u. The two questions were at the bottom after the run on sentence.

Quoting AM-BRAT: Drama. I couldn't get past the run-on sentence about him taking off in the van.

Idk what advice to give, what is the actual question lol.

I guess just avoid him, if that's what you're getting at.
a_and_j_momma
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:47 PM
2 moms liked this
Just ignore him. You aren't going to change him. I don't think you will be able to avoid him but just don't go out of your way to make plans
Momofmenagerie
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 11:24 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm of the opinion of " if you have to ask, you know the answer"
sarahfaith123
by Sarah on Aug. 6, 2014 at 5:32 AM
1 mom liked this
The only thing that would bother me Is stranding your father. The other things I'd overlook, for the most part. Just tell him it hurts your feelings when he doesn't visit your kids, misses your bday. I wouldn't cut ties if it were my brother, especially if you're only with him a couple of times a year .
imandia4
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 6:41 AM
1 mom liked this
He is going through something. He will eventually pull his head out of his ass.
happynewyorker
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:54 AM
2 moms liked this

not only long, but you need to make it bigger.  Thank goodness for cut and past and larger fonts, for me to read.  It's okay, I got it all read.

The thing between your brother & dad, has to be dealt between the two of them. 

I don't speak to my sister, for some reason she hates me.  I use to tell people that she didn't like me. Until she and I had a fight in her house 10 years ago and she told me.  Was it hurtful, yes.  I'm happy she told me that she hates me, but don't know what I've done to her for her to hate me.  She adopted a boy after I had my daughter, he's a year and 1/2 younger then my daughter. They know they are cousins, but he doesn't know that his mother is my sister.  with that said...........

It it really that hurtful that he forgot your birthday or didn't speak to you for 2 months.  Did you call him and ask him what happened?  Were you close to him growing up??  Did something happened that you may not remember?  Did you promise to name your son after him and go back on your word?? 

Now, if you decide to not associate with him, are you going to let your children know this??  Will you be honest to your brother and tell him why? Will you show him what you see, as we both see things differently? 

I wish I can say that we live in a perfect world and things will get better over time. I cannot. But, I don't know your brother and his feelings towards you. 

I would give anything in the world to have a relationship with my sister.  I recently emailed her asking if she can put her dislike for me and maybe meet and become friends instead of sisters. She never replied.  the answer is no.

I wouldn't let his behavior get the best of me. I'd call him.  instead of telling him that he hurt the kids feelings. let your children speak with him expressing how they felt and just to speak with their uncle.  Ask him what happened.  Make a joke of his behavior on the food.  OMG!!! What kind of food was so important that you couldn't visit??  something stupid, and odd. For him to reply with thought. 

as someone that doesn't have a relationship with a sibling.  I'd speak to him.  If it doesn't work out, you know you've tried.  But, try.

If it doesn't work out. how do you behave.  Just normal.  If you attend functions, you say "hi" or say nothing and don't acknowledge him.  over time, your children will see it. 

best regards

You have to decided if this is the path you want to go with.  It seems that your brother is avoiding you for some reason. Since you're on bedrest you really can't do anything right now. 

Jrom
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:11 PM
2 moms liked this

What about setting some good, healthy, protective boundaries. Cutting ties should be saved for last resort measures. As of now, it would seem that some necessary boundaries would be helpful for everyone. There is a great book about this called, Boundaries. Hope the best for you all!

- Jrom828

VinVanMom
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this
My bros know better than to pull that on my dad. Even my adopted one who is a but crazy like yours. I would give up my expectations of him. Is he on drugs? Mentally ill? Who knows what his background was like or who he was exposed to. He's prob jealous of you. In any case he sounds miserable.
LauraBee46
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 5:16 PM
1 mom liked this

That's a tough one.  I don't have any advice--perhaps, instead, you can go out of your way to keep in contact with your parents at places where your brother won't be.  Kids need to know they're a part of an extended family, and, there's usually one uncle who is a jerk or an alcoholic or a molester to deal with, but that doesn't mean that you can't find workarounds for the rest of your family.  I actually have a similar problem with two of my brothers--they are selfish and mean, and I try to just avoid them.  Which would be easier if they weren't sponging off of my Mom, living in her house.  That used to drive me nuts, but at some point about 10 years ago, I realized that this is my MOM'S choice, not mine, and I should respect her choice.  However, that still poses the problem of my not wanting my daughter to be around my brothers. So, instead of going to my Mom's house for a visit, I offer to meet her somewhere for dinner.  That way, we can get rid of the riff-raff.  Anyway, I wish you luck.  Your kids will be OK, as long as they know you love them.  :)

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