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EDIT PLEASE READ DD is really hurt, she was left out of her BFF's birthday, and her mom doesn't care.

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Little background:

My 10 Yr old DD is best friend's with my, I guess you can call her former friend/now acquaintance's DD. They met back in pre school, and her DD has been like part of our family ever since. Her mom was a single parent until last year, so I did A LOT of hosting her DD at our house to help her, and because our daughter's get along so well. She's been to every birthday party my DD's had since  they met. During the school year, she's at our house 5 to 6 days a week, many times eating dinner over. My DD is not invited to her house too often. Once in a while at most. I think it's crappy, but I pick up the slack for the kid's sake.

This past week was my DD's friend's birthday. Her mom made plans to bring her to a small amusement park for the day. She does this every year, and has only invited my DD to go once, last year. But the timing was off because she didn't giuve us enough notice, so she couldn't go. Not to mention her mom warned me her and her friend smoke all the there and back in the car. So I wasn't too upset she couldn't go.

Well, this year my DD is older, and is noticing more. She was never invited to go, or invited for any birthday celebration whatsoever. She feels really hurt and left out. She was very very upset last night, and seemed confused why she was left out. Without me knowing she sent her friend a sarcastic text saying "thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate it"

This morning I text her mom letting her know how upset my DD is, and asking to explain why she wasn't invited. She responded that she went to the land of make believe with her best friend and her daughters. I assume there was no room in the car. But she totally blew me off by complaining about the nasty text my DD sent her. I explained I had no idea, and I would speak with her about that, it wasn't nice.

But she continued to blow off the part where my DD was not invited to any of her birthday. We took her DD to the Liberty Science Center last year, and she slept over the entire weekend. OF COURSE my DD expected to be invited. OR, at the very least, have a separate little party for the 2 of them. SOMETHING! We ended this conversation with her mentioning her sister being in the hospital. So she basically blew me off with that.

I am so upset right now I can't even think straight. I spoke with my DD about the nasty text she sent her friend, and explained it really isn't something to be mad at her for, it's her mother who planned the whole thing. Was this whole thing completely cold and mean?! How could she do that to a 10 yr old? Her DD spends so much time at our house, we joke she's like a step child to us. 

 EDIT :

So, many people don't have the full grasp of the situation. But I did get some insight reading responses.

I agree to a certain extent that it's not a good idea to enforce the feeling, my DD should expect to be invited.

I personally have experienced some really selfish friendships. I have gone out of my way, and been there for people during the worst times in their lives. I tried to not expect anything back. I really did just do those things out of the kindness of my heart, not to expect anything in return. But that gets old. I don't want my DD to follow in my foot steps. Maybe I projected those feelings onto her, because I'm more insulted by her mom, who I feel has taken advantage thru the yrs. Whether or not she likes me as a person, I don't want it trickling down to my DD.

To say she's an entitled brat  is a little crazy. She was hurt, and still learning how to deal with those feelings in a more positive way. So I didn't endorse it when I found out what she text her. She's already apologized for that. She is a sweet and caring child, she went shopping and picked out a present, then found out she went away for her birthday without her. She was hurt, what child wouldn't be.

Next time, I won't make a big deal in front of her. But I fully believe after all the countless times we've had her DD over, and many birthdays she's been invited to, her mom could have done something, not completely ignore her, like she did.

 

by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:21 AM
Replies (61-70):
JenniferMiller0
by Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:31 PM

I feel really sorry for your DD. I know what it's like to never be invited to friend's b-day parties....of course, even when I was invited, I was never allowed to go.

veggiemom474
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:33 PM
1 mom liked this

At this point, she's fine. But this has stirred up some feelings for me. Sounds like u too. 

Quoting JenniferMiller0:

I feel really sorry for your DD. I know what it's like to never be invited to friend's b-day parties....of course, even when I was invited, I was never allowed to go.


mollymolly
by Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 5:20 PM

In my case, I had to admit that it was the little girl, also, and not just her mom.  If the little girl wanted to invite my DD over, at some point and time, they would have.  Maybe not as often as we were doing it, but I feel that they would have listened to their daughter and invited my DD over.  I've tried to teach my daughter that she is in her rights to expect reciprocation, and I've also taught her to reciprocate.  When one little girl from her new gang of friends has her over, and then the next weekend my daughter wants to invite someone else from that gang of friends, I'll remind her that we need to reciprocate because so-and-so had her over last weekend.  

If you have a habit of befriending people who don't reciprocate with favors, what do you need to change to make sure that you don't pass that on to your daughter?  (You know how we parents pass crappy things on to our kids.)  

And seriously, I doubt that it's because you're annoying.  My hunch is that you want to reach out and be of help to those who could use it, and in so doing, you're picking people who need help and know how to take form others and use others.  It becomes a good fit between you wanting to help and their tendency to use people.  I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here but you had mentioned that you had the desire to help that sinle mom by having her daughter over a lot.  

Maybe I'm just projecting because I've done that same thing.  What I finally figured out is that I was hurting my own more than I was helping anyone else.  That's when I refocused on exposing my daughter to the types of kids whose parents are more mannerly and thoughtful.  My DD deserves the thoughtfulness of others just as much as someone else's DD does, even if my DD doesn't have the same kinds of problems at home as they might.  

I don't know why anyone would call your child a brat.  The truth is, you have to parse out the replies on CafeMom, in case you didn't already know that.  There are some mean-spirited (and more than likely sociopathic) women on here that attack at the first sign of vulnerability.  To me, your daughter's response was that of a typical 10 yr old child whose feelings were hurt.  

Have you thought about getting her into Girl Scouts or some sport where she could meet others?   



Quoting veggiemom474:

Thank you so much.

I had her apologize about that text. She is simply learning how to communicate her feelings. She just needs more guidance, obviously.

I have experienced many "friendships" where I feel I give and give, but they don't ever reciprocate. I ended one recently because of that, and this girls mom has become an acquaintance because of that same scenario. I don't get it. It's easy to think maybe I'm just really annoying, but you don't take favors from someone if you really don't like them. That's called using someone.

It's not her friend tho, it's her mom. Honestly, I personally feel entitled right now because I'm so fed up with these people who don't reciprocate. Another poster told me how her child has a friend she can't stand. So she never invites them over, but feels my DD must be a brat. Sorry but what she described she is doing with that persons child she doesn't like, is using the parents. They'll get tired of it. And the kids will suffer because they won't get to see each other anymore.

Quoting mollymolly:

I think it's perfectly reasonable that your DD would have expected to be invited to her BFF's b'day party.  I mean, who WOULDN'T be hurt if their BFF left them off of the guest list?

We were in a situation where my DD would invite her friend over, and the friend would never reciprocate.  Finally, I began spending less time, energy, and money on that particular friend and started inviting other little girls over and out to places with us.  We focused on making new friends; ones that have the manners to reciprocate because, after all, my DD wants to get out of the house sometimes, too!  

BTW, in reading some of these posts, I have to wonder:  When did it become fashionable to be rude and take, take, take without reciprocating, and when did it become unsavory for those who are being taken advantage of to get tired of it?

I do have to disagree with you about saying that your DD shouldn't have sent that text.  Imo, she expressed her hurt feelings to her BFF in a 10-yr-old manner, with sarcasm.  To me, it's not a bad thing.  If she had called her names or something, then that would have been crossing a line.

Your DD sounds like a very sweet girl and it sounds like you are, also, a sweet person who may be being taken advantage of by this other woman.  I hope that you can find other cirles of friends for your daughter: Girl Scouts, church, school, sports, etc, and help guide her to build HEALTHY relationships.  It doesn't sound like the one she has is very healthy.  Good luck.  



atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 5:40 PM

I would say kids make friends and friends come and go.  Move on.  This will happen a lot and you just have to move on.  My girls are in their 20's.  You can't expect to always be invited to everything also. 

mollymolly
by Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 7:07 PM

My heart goes out to you.  It really does.  Do you think it might be an issue of boundaries?  We all have to learn them:  what is reasonable and when to back off when we're being taken advantage of.  Anyway, good luck to you and your DD.

JTE11
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 7:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like this relationship has always been a lot one-sided, with you and your family carrying most of the weight of getting the two girls together. The girl's mother has not made it a priority to invite your DD over even for playdates and even though the girls may be friends, the mother probably had the last say on what was happening on the birthday for her daughter. I honestly don't think the mother feels your DD is as important to her DD as you feel the birthday girl is to yours. Given the fact that this friendship between the girls would have not been what it is if you hadn't stepped in, I am not totally surprised that she wasn't invited. I think it just comes down to that. You and your DD feel this girl is a closer friend than her mother does. All I can say is sometimes life hurts, it's just an unfortunate lesson for your DD. Sometimes things just aren't what you think, or aren't fair, people don't think the same was as you do, they don't reciprocate or recognize you for who you are or what you've done. I'm sorry she went through this, but I would just chalk this up to a one-sided thing and then be more hesitant to be going out of my way to invite the other girl over so much (if it was to help the mother out) in the future. Live and learn, I suppose.

-PB
by Gold Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 9:31 PM

 I can understand why she is upset but that's life unfortunately.  We can't always get what we want.  Friends come and go.  She'll get over it.

mona165
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 9:42 PM
Thia type of things happen to my daughter because we have no family here in Tennessee only my husbands family friends, except my daughter is 2 and isnt close to other kids only her sister and now our neighbors. But when we go to my sister in laws house all her husbands niece's are there and ofcorse my daughter wants to play with them, and they push her away, and out of the rooms and I noticed it last time, and sense then I havnt let my daughter around them, she might not know whats going on, but I wont have my daughter around those type of people because all thise little kids gang up on my daughter because all the moms are always saying how cute and pretty my daughters are and the kids get jealous, and push my daughters aside. So I wont have them around those kids.
strictmomhere
by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:18 PM
You DD needs a new BFF!
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Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Aug. 12, 2014 at 11:47 PM
Your daughter is not entitled to anything. I can't believe you actually texted and demanded and explanation.
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