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please please please help...

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 1:15 PM
  • 7 Replies
My husband and I have been together 5 years, married almost 4 and have a 3 year old together. I also have a 7 and 12 year old from a previous marriage. My ex isn't the most involved guy, and my husband is very active in all three childrens lives.

I haven't done a café mom post in a few years, but I'm desperate here... so this is my problem...
My 12 year old talks back ( other than this, he's a verywell behaved kid). The majority of his back talk is towards my husband. Its never anything major, typically a "sigh...why do I always have to take out the trash..." kind of thing. My husband has no tolerance for it. His responsesare rediculous. "Don't complain about! I'm tired of the complaints! No xbox for the rest of your life!" This type of response, often leads to an argument. I am always put in the middle. Its very frustrating because my husband always wants me to take his side, its like he's another kid.

On to my 3 year old...who continually talks back to me. And I don't just mean yelling "no" or voicing his opinion. I mean nasty comments, yelling at me, and within the last few days, even swatting at me. Punishments mean nothing to him. My husband is the kind of guy who is extremely outgoing, friendly, and also, jokes with people by making fun of them. There was a time when I found it funny, but its typically aimed at me now and is very hurtful. I tell him. He doesn't stop. I feel that my 3 year old sees my husband treat me that way, cannot distinguish jokes from reality, so he in turn is mean to me, thinking that's the acceptable way to treat me. Its becoming out of control with both situations. I look at my youngest and feel sick to my stomach with the thought that he will someday be just like my husband is to me, to his own wife. I know maybe I'm not portraying the situation to be as serious as it is, but believe me, its bad. It gets worse all the time. I need help.

by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 1:15 PM
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Replies (1-7):
atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 1:19 PM

He is over reacting but if he is in your teens life he shouldn't have to take your sons backtalking. 

Your husband hitting you?  Hell no.  That is not to be tolerated.  He needs counseling and if he doesn't change you need to leave. 

MZ82
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 1:32 PM
No, my 3 year old is hitting. Not my husband. I just feel that because my husband constantly pick on me ( which he thinks is funny, and I think is hurtful), my youngest pick up on it. He doesn't realize my husband is trying to kid with me. He thinks he's really being mean to me therefore, is mimicing what he thinks my husband is doing.

Really, this is nothing to leave my husband over. We have a pretty close relatiinship, really. Its just these few things we can't seem to get right...counseling maybe, but leaving him seems a bit extreme, lol. My issue is how to deal with the boys more than how to deal with my husband. Like I said, he's an overall great guy and is very active in all 3 childrens lives.
Bleacheddecay
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:57 PM

Sit down without the kids and talk it out with your husband. Set up consequences good and bad for behavior and both of you enforce it every time.

veggiemom474
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:43 PM
1 mom liked this

Your DH sounds very immature in many ways. The crazy threats can be adjusted. Can you explain to him if he is gonna threaten with taking the x box, at least make it real. Not his entire life.

My sisters x used to talk to her like a piece of crap in front of my nephew his whole life. He is now 16, and a very intelligent, and respectful teen. So not all kids are automatically screwed by witnessing this crap. Not all, but some are.

I think you would really benefit from a few counseling sessions, if he is willing. Especially if the rest of your relationship is good, you just need to force him to see it your way. He is acting childish, and he thinks it's funny in front of the kids. They may not respect you as a result.

btw, your son is totally normal. 12 yr olds are like that.

Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Aug. 13, 2014 at 4:41 PM
1 mom liked this

I think counseling would be helpful.

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Bmat
by Barb on Aug. 13, 2014 at 4:52 PM
1 mom liked this

For this kind of question, why do I have to always take out the trash, it is worthy of a discussion - a conversation, especially with a boy who is almost a teen.  He should be allowed to question and to give his input, without fear of ridicule . As long as it is respectful, which of course means that the adult also needs to speak in a respectful manner.

mollymolly
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this post, below.  I mean, if the kid is just sighing and saying, "Why do I always have to take out the garbage," that's not backtalk, imo.  To me, you hit on it when you mentioned that your husband is like a kid, himself.  Making those kinds of over-reacting threats are not doing anything but allowing your husband to vent his frustratiosn at that moment.  

Have you two considered therapy so that you could get an unbiased opinion?  If you can't afford conventional therapy, maybe you could find some counseling through a church.  In any case, setting aside time with your husband to talk specifically about this when neither kid is home and no one is upset might be a starting point.  Good luckl

Quoting Bmat:

For this kind of question, why do I have to always take out the trash, it is worthy of a discussion - a conversation, especially with a boy who is almost a teen.  He should be allowed to question and to give his input, without fear of ridicule . As long as it is respectful, which of course means that the adult also needs to speak in a respectful manner.


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