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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

6 year old with mean girl attitude.

Posted by on Aug. 30, 2014 at 11:15 PM
  • 7 Replies

Gosh! I hope I don't get Judgement for this....I am honestly just looking for some good advice. I have 3 children. My oldest dd is 10. She loves everyone! If you want to be her friend she will be your bff! She shows empathy when others are treated wrong. My son is 8. He is shy but is kind to other people and shows empathy also. Then there is my youngest dd who is 6 1/2. For about 2 years She has been developing this mean girl attitude. It is like she has this idea image in mind of how someone is suppose to look or act and if they don't fit that mold she is not thier friend. Fortunelty she doesn't say things directly to most of the kids only to herself, me, or other friends. I in no way encourage what she says and I correct her everytime. There was one little girl, I am very good friends with her mom but I cannot bring my dd around hers because my dd is just mean. Calls her name and laughs at her. I will discipline with scolding, time outs, taking things away, making her miss out on things, and even popping her mouth for saying certain things. My older dd went through this for a short amount of time around the same age. It didn't last long because when I turned the table and said "how would you feel if this was happening to you" she would think about it and say it would make her feel bad or sad etc... but This dd will respond with "I don't care, I don't even like her!" I think it may stem from her being defensive. She is also very competitive. It is almost like she has that bully mentality of "If I hurt them they Can't hurt me" She is very shy which attributes with maybe a self esteem issue, worried someone isn't going to like her (probably because she has so many reasons she doesn't like people). I think she copes with the feeling by getting defensive and deciding not to like them so that they can't like her, if that makes sense...I hope it does. I Don't know how to fix it. I try to talk to her about other peoples feelings. I try to encourage her to make friends, the right way. She doesn't seem to have this problem at school, at least her teachers have never said anything. She has alot of friends there. I think she also deals with jealousy and control. If she can be in control of whatever they are playing she is happy as can be. but if someone doesn't want to do what she wants them to do sometimes she won't play at all. I know there is a truly sweet girl under all this controlling, jealous, shy, mean girl she tries to act like. I see the sweet side all the time but I don't know how to help her get past this bad social behavior. Anyone else deal with this?? HELP!

by on Aug. 30, 2014 at 11:15 PM
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Replies (1-7):
AM-BRAT
by Amber on Aug. 30, 2014 at 11:34 PM
1 mom liked this
Idk...

Anytime I have troubles with the kids, I remind them life is not a barbie movie. Sometimes I feel like they absorb the mean characters' traits... They come back to real life. :)


Does your dd play team sports?
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2014 at 1:58 AM

You sound like a great mom, it will rub off on her, it's probably just a phase, keep doing what you're doing, and modeling kindness. It doesn't hurt to get some childrens books about manners and bullies and that sort of thing and read with her. Tell stories from your childhood, lessons you learned, without lecturing, it may not seem like you're getting through but she IS listening.

MamaLauri
by Member on Aug. 31, 2014 at 1:40 PM
2 moms liked this

Self-awareness is an executive function she is starting to develop. She may need help.

Try making a list with her of the things she likes in people  and a separate one of the things she does not like. The next week start rewarding her for finding the things she says she likes in different people, make it a game. How fast can you find ... This might be enough, if not, have her and separately others compare her behavior to her don't likes. First explain behavior is not the same as the person. Behavior can and does change. Our behavior can change other people's behavior toward us.

butzi
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2014 at 2:42 PM
This mean bully like behavior is really really tied to self esteem . Being shy is not really tied to low self esteem. There are lots of really shy people who are very comfortable in their skin. I have a now adult daughter who has always struggled with this mean girl behavior. She has always had very definite, largely superficial ideas about what is important in a friend, or even in herself. She has been super aware of her deficiencies in all of these things. You are right in your understanding that it is a defensive behavior, rather than an offensive one. I have worked hard to help her find confidence, and develop comfort with who she is. That is one of the keys and it is super difficult. You can't give these things to your daughter, only look for ways to help her develop them herself. Good luck, parenting is really hard work!
Valentina327
by on Sep. 1, 2014 at 7:06 AM
That's a really nice idea!

I know some adults who could benefit from such an exercise as well!

Quoting MamaLauri:

Self-awareness is an executive function she is starting to develop. She may need help.

Try making a list with her of the things she likes in people  and a separate one of the things she does not like. The next week start rewarding her for finding the things she says she likes in different people, make it a game. How fast can you find ... This might be enough, if not, have her and separately others compare her behavior to her don't likes. First explain behavior is not the same as the person. Behavior can and does change. Our behavior can change other people's behavior toward us.

barefootNky113
by Bronze Member on Sep. 1, 2014 at 7:17 AM
I have no clue. My dd is also 6 and she is very shy and very sensitive. She had a friend like your dd and her mom would watch my dd before and after school. Because of her friends behavior they are no longer friends and she would cry everyday when I picked her up not to take her back so I eventually had to find another babysitter because of this one little girl.
Bieg9093
by Bronze Member on Sep. 1, 2014 at 11:04 AM
1 mom liked this

 I would ask the teachers to keep a very close eye out for it and to come down hard on it if they see it.  A common characteristic of this behavior is the sneakiness...waiting until the grownup isn't looking to get a quick dig in.  Or not nven needing to say anything...a dirty look or a loud sigh is enough.  And getting away with it is it's own reward and encourages future attempts.  So make sure they're on board with how serious this is.

I'd also cut out any tv shows in which this behavior is evident.  Youngest kids usually watch what the older kids watch and tend to be exposed to more mature content earlier.  Actually...better than cutting it out, watch with her and discuss.  I always use the phrase "have problems."  Like, "Why is Sam always so nasty to Freddie?  I think she must have problems." 

And find ways for her to use her superpowers for good instead of evil.  Again, hoping you're familiar with ICarly... look at all the things Freddie does to try to make people feel good.  And then look at all the things Sam does to make people feel bad.  If your daughter has the power to make people feel bad, she certainly has equal power to make them feel good.  I'll bet she'll get more satisfaction from making them feel good if she just gives it a go. 

Good Luck!

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