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Sharing Custody of a 3 month old?! So upset...please weigh in.

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:24 AM
  • 92 Replies

Hi everyone.  I'm new here.

My name is Bethany and I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant.  I found out I was pregnant after my boyfriend and I had a very messy breakup and although it was a shock, I am trying to be positive and make the best of it!

My ex and I just had a very upsetting conversation, though.  And I'd appreciate some feedback and advice:

I will be the custodial parent.  I already have a son and have been a single mom to him for pretty much his entire life.  I've never had to really coparent with anyone, so I am willing to admit that I have no real life frame of reference for this.

My ex wants to start sharing custody--as in overnights with him--when the baby is 3 months old.  Actually, he'd prefer earlier.  When he said this, I immediately felt anxious and kind of panicked.  I had assumed that we would discuss custody and make arrangements when the child was older.  

3 months seems very, very young to me for a child to be sleeping in different homes and going back and forth. The thought of sending my baby away at such a young age, even to his/her father's house, is very unsettling to me.  I have no intentions of keeping him from the baby...but am I wrong to think we should wait to start the actual sharing of custody??  I've never heard of anyone sharing custody of such a young baby.  It doesn't seem healthy to me and to be honest, it makes me very sad.  I mean...what mom wants her baby spending the night elsewhere so early??

Has anyone gone through this?  I'm planning on breast feeding, but even if I weren't...I just cannot imagine.  And not only does he want overnight visits so early...he wants more than one night in a row!!  

I don't want him to think I'm trying to keep him away.  I'm truly not.  I want us to get along and I want him in the child's life.  But I also want my child to have routine, to feel safe and secure.  And yes, I want my newborn in my home with me at night.  My maternal instinct is kicking in already.

by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KW123
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:20 AM

My oldest was that age when she had to stay with my friend because I was in the hospital (husband was at sea -Navy).  She was just fine.  I was breastfeeding also.  After that & my husband came home, we would leave her with my sister every now & than. I know that is not the same.  Have you talked to your son's pediatrician about it?  

a_and_j_momma
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:19 AM
Do you have any concerns about safety or his ability?
MollyG87
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:52 AM
You poor thing! That sounds terrible, is there anyway that you and ex bf could live in the same place at least for a little bit for the sake of the baby? 3 months does seem awfully young to be away from mom at night on a regular basis. I know a lot of working moms do it and go bless them, but that's out of necessity.
cjsmom1
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:58 AM
Look up custody laws in your state. The most important thing to find out is if there's no custody order in place do you have joint physical and legal custody. If there's nothing saying you have custody or a court ordered visitation he could take your child and there's nothing you could do about it.

Many states are doing more to keep fathers active in their child's lives and award 50/50 custody as often as possible.
faerie75
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 4:01 AM
I'm all for shared custody but I agree, 3 months is too young.

If you and he can be civil, the best thing is for him to come around for short periods almost daily. A few times a week maybe he can take baby for a short outing without you, but overnights I wouldn't go for as the mother of a newborn.
NBVP1
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:16 AM
Not in terms of caring for the child, no.

But he has absolutely zero patience and is not awesome at managing his temper. Plus he has a 5 year old that drives him nuts.

So while I think he could manage, I'd think he'd be pretty pissed and cranky about it.

Quoting a_and_j_momma: Do you have any concerns about safety or his ability?
NBVP1
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:20 AM
That's what I've been envisioning all this time. I have no intentions of keeping him away. I want him to come over. I want to drop the baby off with him. I want him to take the baby to his mom's or whatever he feels like doing.

I hope we can figure it out. We do not have an awesome history of compromise or even agreeing to disagree...so I guess we'll see.

Quoting faerie75: I'm all for shared custody but I agree, 3 months is too young.

If you and he can be civil, the best thing is for him to come around for short periods almost daily. A few times a week maybe he can take baby for a short outing without you, but overnights I wouldn't go for as the mother of a newborn.
amantonacci
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:20 AM
3 months is young but my ex and I started weekend over nights at around 6 months with our daughter and its worked out really well she 5 now and really well adjusted and has a great bond with both of us
terpmama
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:20 AM
3 moms liked this
You say you don't want to be away from baby... How do you think dad feels.... He's not just some guy you dated... He's dad

My husband lived the newborn, cuddly, sleepy phase almost more than I did. A tiny baby sleeping on your chest is, as he says, the reason for life.
NBVP1
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:21 AM
This scares me. I can't decide if I think he'd do something like that or not.

Quoting cjsmom1: Look up custody laws in your state. The most important thing to find out is if there's no custody order in place do you have joint physical and legal custody. If there's nothing saying you have custody or a court ordered visitation he could take your child and there's nothing you could do about it.

Many states are doing more to keep fathers active in their child's lives and award 50/50 custody as often as possible.
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