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my relationship with my mom is exhausting...advice?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:35 AM
  • 22 Replies
Lately my mom has been bitter and angry. Her and my dad split 6 years ago and she's not over it which weighs heavy on her. I know it must be hard and I don't understand her pain because I haven't been through it but I've tried to be supportive. I have been there for her and lived with her for most of the separation/ divorce process. My brothers don't live as close by so they aren't physically around her as much which I understand. I am the only daughter so I think that's why she talks to me about everything and I listen and comfort. Well since having my daughter she has wanted to give her toys, clothes and buy her food. If she comes over and there aren't meals set aside for DD then she assumes we have no food for her and gets panicked. Keep in mind DD is 18 months so she eats what we eat. We always have a full stocked fridge but she thinks she should have graduates meals. So sometimes she comes over with those and diapers and wipes and whatever else when we aren't asking for it. I get that it's a nice gesture but lately she's been holding it over my head that she does those things for me and that if she calls and needs my help or my DHs help at that exact moment and we say we can't that means we don't care about her. I have a family and I think she forgets that I can't be there at every moment she needs my help. I have told her before if she gives me a day or 2 then yes we can set aside time. What she normally needs help with is rearranging furniture or carrying something heavy upstairs, etc. These aren't urgent things that need to happen at any given moment and could be planned yet she will call and say we have to help her now or never. I talked with her and said that I would like to help every time she asks but it's not realistic then she said that she does so much for me and that I don't do anything for her. I told her she doesn't need to buy DD stuff and she doesn't have to babysit and have told her that so many times I can't count. The thing is every weekend she asks if she can babysit so if we want to go to lunch or something she gets excited bc she can watch DD. Now I don't even want to say yes because she holds it against me and when I asked I won't ever ask for her to watch DD she says I'm going to keep her from her granddaughter. I can't win. Oh and did I mention she says so many mean things about my DH to me! I shut that down fast because it's incredibly disrespectful. Later on she apologized and said she's depressed and that's why she's been acting this way. I think she needs to speak with a therapist to resolve her feelings because her stress is weighing on me and making me upset. I told my brothers they should try to talk to our mom every week because it may help our mom and also I won't carry all of her stress.

Anyone else going through something similar?
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:49 AM
1 mom liked this
She needs to seek therapy.
LoveBird14
by Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:49 AM
bump
LoveBird14
by Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:50 AM
Can you relate at all with having a mom like this? I want to move so I don't have to deal with it as mean as that sounds. I'm not going to move but I feel I need to distance myself but at the same time I would upset my mom even more so it's a lose lose situation!

Quoting Mom2Just1: She needs to seek therapy.
Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:53 AM
I had to cut out my parents. They were toxic. Critical of my marriage. Not supportive.

Quoting LoveBird14: Can you relate at all with having a mom like this? I want to move so I don't have to deal with it as mean as that sounds. I'm not going to move but I feel I need to distance myself but at the same time I would upset my mom even more so it's a lose lose situation!

Quoting Mom2Just1: She needs to seek therapy.
LoveBird14
by Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:53 AM
I'm sorry 😔

Quoting Mom2Just1: I had to cut out my parents. They were toxic. Critical of my marriage. Not supportive.

Quoting LoveBird14: Can you relate at all with having a mom like this? I want to move so I don't have to deal with it as mean as that sounds. I'm not going to move but I feel I need to distance myself but at the same time I would upset my mom even more so it's a lose lose situation!

Quoting Mom2Just1: She needs to seek therapy.
terpmama
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 10:46 AM
You nailed it on the first sentence... She hasn't recovered from the divorce (which I'm guessing was your dads idea).

She buys DD stuff so that you will need her and not get rid of her like your dad did (I'm guessing he's either saying or cheated). So if she buys things for DD then you have to keep her around.

The moving stuff is what your dad used to do and she's not use to not having a man on the house so when she needs one and you guys can't help them for as long as that job isn't done she's focused on her loss of help. She's not used to having to plan out these things because she's not accepting that your dad has left.

She bashes your dh because she's been hurt by hers (I'm guessing that your dad seemed great to her until he filed for divorce). She's trying in her own messes up way to help you not be blindsided like she was.

And she babysits because she's lonely and your DD will always love her and cuddle her and bring joy and laughter back into her life and reminds her of when her life was good (when you were little).


I would suggest subtly working on those fears and I bet she's calms down. therapy isn't a bad suggestion but if she's from my parents generation "you don't do that"... So having your brothers call more is a great idea, if their close -ish maybe suggest a rotating weekend schedule to check on mom.
ceciliam
by Cecilia on Jan. 31, 2016 at 3:23 PM

This.

Quoting terpmama: You nailed it on the first sentence... She hasn't recovered from the divorce (which I'm guessing was your dads idea). She buys DD stuff so that you will need her and not get rid of her like your dad did (I'm guessing he's either saying or cheated). So if she buys things for DD then you have to keep her around. The moving stuff is what your dad used to do and she's not use to not having a man on the house so when she needs one and you guys can't help them for as long as that job isn't done she's focused on her loss of help. She's not used to having to plan out these things because she's not accepting that your dad has left. She bashes your dh because she's been hurt by hers (I'm guessing that your dad seemed great to her until he filed for divorce). She's trying in her own messes up way to help you not be blindsided like she was. And she babysits because she's lonely and your DD will always love her and cuddle her and bring joy and laughter back into her life and reminds her of when her life was good (when you were little). I would suggest subtly working on those fears and I bet she's calms down. therapy isn't a bad suggestion but if she's from my parents generation "you don't do that"... So having your brothers call more is a great idea, if their close -ish maybe suggest a rotating weekend schedule to check on mom.



emarin77
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 4:23 PM

Yeah, she needs to see a therapist and she is also lonely. Group therapy might help too. 

timon95
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 5:29 PM
I agree

Quoting terpmama: You nailed it on the first sentence... She hasn't recovered from the divorce (which I'm guessing was your dads idea).

She buys DD stuff so that you will need her and not get rid of her like your dad did (I'm guessing he's either saying or cheated). So if she buys things for DD then you have to keep her around.

The moving stuff is what your dad used to do and she's not use to not having a man on the house so when she needs one and you guys can't help them for as long as that job isn't done she's focused on her loss of help. She's not used to having to plan out these things because she's not accepting that your dad has left.

She bashes your dh because she's been hurt by hers (I'm guessing that your dad seemed great to her until he filed for divorce). She's trying in her own messes up way to help you not be blindsided like she was.

And she babysits because she's lonely and your DD will always love her and cuddle her and bring joy and laughter back into her life and reminds her of when her life was good (when you were little).


I would suggest subtly working on those fears and I bet she's calms down. therapy isn't a bad suggestion but if she's from my parents generation "you don't do that"... So having your brothers call more is a great idea, if their close -ish maybe suggest a rotating weekend schedule to check on mom.
loves2readYA
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:15 PM

Boy, can I relate to this! There are many things here that you mentioned that have happened with me and my mom. There were times I thought my mom needed to feel needed, so we'd let her in and hep, but then got the impression that she thought she was being used. So then we stopped helping her feel "needed."

I'd venture a guess that your mom is definitely lonely and in need of reassurance that her life is signficant and that it matters. We daughters sometimes take the brunt of that sort of thing. I have two brothers who are never guilted into anything!

Here's what I suggest: have an honest conversation about everything you've mentioned here. Let her know that you love her and that you want her in your life. However, that comes with boundaries. First, no disrespectful talk about your husband. No manipulation about time, groceries, and babysitting. No guilt trips. If you first say how much you love her and how much you want her to be in your lives, hopefully she'll understand. If you want extra brownie points, you can even ask her advice on something. After all, she's raised kids before and probably has a lot of wisdom she'd love to share. Sometimes I think about it this way: my mom was patient with me as I was growing up--I should try to be patient with her now.

If you do all of this with love, I'm hoping you'll have good results. Saying a prayer for you and your family...

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