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Can't handle my 9 year old ANYMORE!!

Posted by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 9:12 AM
  • 42 Replies

I just don't know what to do! Let me start from the beginning. My daughter has some mental issues that run on her fathers side of the family. Bipolar disorder, (her aunt) ADD/ADHD (her father) depression, and who knows what else - that's all we know for sure. 

She has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and has been put on VyVance to help with her school work and so far it's working well. Her grades have improved, shes the highest level reader in her class, and an all around great student/kid - at school. 

At home, it's a completely different story. She has an attitude from HELL. Is defiant, talks back, argues over everything, lies, throws things, pitches a fit, all over something as simple as getting up and getting ready for school. She can be the sweetest thing at times, but I'd say at least 85% of the time she is a handful and a half! 

We've tried EVERYTHING!! 

Therapy

Taking things away

Grounding

Spanking

Positive reinforcement

Chores

A journal

More therapy

Family meetings

Talks

EVERYTHING!

Nothing works with her, she doesn't care, smarts off, always has to have the last word and I find myself losing my temper more often than not. Her father and I aren't together anymore, we divorced a few years ago and at first I thought maybe it had something to do with that. He's the type that's around when it's convenient for him and doesn't even call. So she see's him about 1x -2x every 2-3 months or so.

Here recently I had to strip her room, down to nothing but her bed and her clothes, I sat her down and had a long talk with her over why it was stripped and what she can do to earn her things back. - Chores, keeping her temper in check, not talking back, listening when she's told to do something. etc etc... 

The reason she lost all of her things to begin with was over a major hissy fit she pitched one morning before school. The night before I had class, she was home with her step father and he fixed dinner. Well, she didn't want what he had fixed so he told her that if she didn't want to eat, that she had to go ahead and shower then go on to bed. She has a BAD habit of taking such a long shower that she'll run all the hot water out and we have such a small water heater that it takes a good hour to an hour and a half before it'll heat back up and he still had to give the baby a bath and get him down to bed as well. 

He said that he gave her a time limit, get in, wash, rinse, get out. A 10 minute process at best. My daughter finds every possible reason to challenge that so she will deliberately take as much time as possible, just to get HER way or to prove somehow in her mind that SHE is the boss. 

He told her that for every minute she goes over the limit, a barbie doll was going to be thrown away to give her a bit of a pep in her step. (We have to threaten to take things away, but it does no good because she never believes us anyway then wants to raise holy hell when it happens!) 

So, three dolls were taken from her, she supposedly pitched a duck and went on to bed, she was asleep when I got home. 

The next morning, I go in her room to get her up and ready for school and right away, she has attitude. She wont speak to me, she pushed me out of her doorway and went digging through the trash. I asked her what she was doing and then it started... 

"I'm getting my dolls that ____ took and you are NOT going to stop me!" - I told her to stop going through the trash and to quit. I tried to ask her what happened to get her side of the story (Which is always SO OVER DRAMATIZED) and she wasn't having it. By this time she's slinging trash all over the place and I then grabbed her arms and told her to stop it. 

She then starts screaming at me, "Give them back! I'm not doing anything until I get my dolls! She refused to get ready, started yelling "No!" over everything and just being loud purposefully. We have a 17 month old and I told her to keep her voice down or she'd wake him. She didn't care. Raising hell, raising hell, raising hell... I told her when she got home from school that the rest of her stuff would be gone too due to her attitude. 

So her room was stripped. Did that phase her? No. 

This morning... Once again... I go in to get her up and ready. She lays in bed... 5 minutes later... "_____ get up... C'mon it's Friday... just make it through today and you have the weekend, lets go...chop chop.." 

It always starts that way... soft and sweet. Then she'll push it to the last minute and move as slow as possible. Refusing to get dressed, picking the most ridiculous things to wear - and when I say ridiculous, I don't mean that she's trying to create her own style and I simply don't like it... I mean... picking up dirty clothes and putting them on, coming out with her shirt on inside out and backward, one shoe on and one shoe off... things like that and she does it on purpose. JUST to waste time when I'm telling her, "Hey you have 5 minutes to be out the door! Come on!!" She just thinks it's funny! 

Well, she had snuck a toy home from her grandpas jeep and flaunted it around in front of me, as if to say, "Yeah, I know you took my stuff, but look what I've got" 

I asked her where she got it - She smirks and says, "From pa paw" (he's a problem as well because he thinks that she can just do no wrong and I'm a horrible parent for even so much as thinking to discipline her, but that's another story." 

I told her to hand it over and she says, "No." By this time my blood is boiling because she has ZERO respect for me. She will laugh in my face, bold face say NO. and just be IMPOSSIBLE!! 

I said, "You aren't taking that to school ______, put it down and get ready. You have to go.." She runs in her room and slams the door. I follow behind and she flings herself on the bed (LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD) and starts laughing when I'm trying to get it from her. 

I'll admit, I did snatch it from her hands and I grabbed her by her sweatshirt and pulled her up off the bed. Then she wants to start yelling that I choked her because the front of the shirt left a red mark on her neck. I told her that she's lucky that's all I did that I could get a switch if she wanted me to. (Had no intentions of doing so and have never... I've spanked her when she was younger but she'll be 10 this year so she's too old for that now anyhow) 

I sat the toy down in the kitchen and told her once again to finish getting ready. She runs into the kitchen, grabs to toy and runs outside. I go outside and am yelling, "______ STOP IT! You have to go to school! Knock it off!" She throws the toy at me and goes on. (We are down to one car that DH takes to work early so as of right now her pa paw comes to get her and drops her off on his way to work until we get a second car this month... she would ride the bus but I cant trust her to walk to the bus stop alone and don't want to get the baby up that early so right now, this works for us.) 

 I can only imagine what the neighbors must have thought if they got to see that happening!! 

It's like this ALL the time. Like I said, nothing phases her. NOTHING. We can take things, take privileges, ground her, make her scoop dog poop, whatever... nothing works! 

She will:

Talk back

Argue

Fight

Yell

Purposely annoy you when you ask her to stop - jumping on you, pulling hair, throwing things at you, mimicking you etc... 

She straight DOES NOT listen to anything you tell her to do

Ignores you

Purposely does the opposite if what you say, "____ you have 5 minutes to be ready..." She takes 20. 

Smirks and laughs in your face

Tells you what she's going to do or not going to do -

For instance if we have plans to do something (Such as going to the Circus Monday... I already have the tickets...) I can say, "Fine.. then I guess when Monday rolls around, you wont be going." She'll say, "Yes I  will... watch me" 

She acts like a damn teenager already and if she's doing this NOW, I can only imagine how it's going to be when she does hit the teen years. I just cant take it anymore! I don't know what to do! I'm to the point where I just want to send her to her dads and tell him, "Here, you deal with the attitude!" But that wont help, he's already signed her over to me so he decided a long time ago that he didn't want to be a dad. 

I'm over here like who the hell are you and where is my daughter?! There is NO talking to her!! 

Sorry for writing a book but short of sending her ass to a damn military school... I don't know what to do!!! 

Just needed to vent I suppose.  I know she knows how to behave, she's a gem in school... she respects her teachers and everyone has nothing but great things to say about her! She's so smart, creative, funny, artistic, talented and she's a quick learner. She's also great with her baby brother (although sometimes she will completely ignore me if she's supposed to be doing something such as homework and instead she's playing with him - great, I know you love our brother but put him down and do your homework...) I love her with all my heart but she is the most difficult child I think I've ever seen!!

I just wish that she could act the way she does in school, here at home. When she's good, things are great! She's the best kid ever! Her and her step dad will play catch in the yard, he's been trying to teach her how to play soccer, we have bonfires, movie nights with popcorn, she's helpful, polite, generous and just all around great... but we get that once in a blue moon... Bipolar disorder maybe??

 I just  don't know how to get her to respect me. Or her step dad for that matter! It's like she thinks everything is one big joke. She can get my blood to boil within 5 minutes of coming home! It drives me crazy! I'm at a loss. I really just don't know what to do and I'm terrified of the teen years. - Her aunt was so bad as a teen that they had to send her away. I mean that girl got violent. I was there to witness it! Now she's a damn crack whore with 4 kids by 4 different men and she has custody of none of them and isn't even sure who belongs to who. Needless to say, she is NOT in the picture, this is just what I was told after she had the second one. No one even knows where she is today! Probably dead somewhere. 

I do NOT want my daughter to end up the same way. I see her going down this destructive path and it seems nothing I do can stop it. I don't want to give up on her, but she needs to know that she does NOT run the show. She has it made here! She has (or had) her own TV, That was taken forever ago because she was peeing in the vent in her room! Yeah. She has toys, gets great Christmases and Birthdays, clothes on her back, food in her belly, so it's not like she's neglected or abused. I've tried to tell her when she's pitching her fits that kids out there have it way worse! I even showed her pictures of starving kids in Africa when she pitched a hissy fit over what we had for dinner one night and all she said was, "That's them... not me" 

UGH!!! I'm just so exhausted. I want her to go to the Circus with us, I've already bought the tickets and she just doesn't care. I want her to be able to have sleep overs and do fun things but once again... she just doesn't care. I just don't get where I went wrong or how to fix it. 

Thank you if you made it all the way through this. I'm sure some of you will bash over the fact that I'm not a "perfect" mom, (none of us are) or the fact that I had her young (19) and should have raised her better. Did the best I could with the mindset that I had. Now it's biting me on the ass I suppose. 

Ugh. Well, the house is quiet (finally) baby is still asleep, I'm going to have more coffee and get his breakfast ready then get started on some school work and brace myself for when she comes home this afternoon. 

Thanks again. 

by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 9:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
amje
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:18 AM
9 moms liked this
*no one is a perfect mom, though you won't convince some of these ladies of it*😉

Okay:

She DOES run the show. She has you guys by the short hairs. You're her own live little puppet show that she gets hopping for her own amusement whenever she wants.


I don't see this as a mental illness - yet. I see inconsistent parenting, a spoiled kid, and the parent-child balance is way off. Basically, because of what you mentioned a few times: she is in perfect control of herself at school (& I bet with other people in their homes). She's making a choice to behave like this at home. She is capable of behaving. She knows what is expected of her and can meet those expectations. She sounds more like a spoiled brat to me. The torture will continue until you guys learn to #1: be consistent. Always do what you say. You CANNOT take her to the circus if you have already said to her that she cannot go. I have a feeling she gets her way more often than not. Otherwise she would believe you when you say something the 1st time.
#2.Disengage, use planned ignoring, and don't reward undesirable behaviors with attention. She doesn't care if it's positive or negative, attention is attention and it's a payoff she likes. It's scary, but you have to walk away. Roll your eyes when she starts her shit and avoid her until she's quiet. #3. Allow her to face natural consequences. If you tell her there's 5 minutes, then she knows. Don't run around getting more upset as she kills time. Be calm and ignore her. If it's time to go and she's not ready, pick her up, put her in the truck AS IS, and send her on her way. She wont like that. Also, she doesnt want to get in trouble for tardies at school, and if she has no one to blame but herself, then tough shit. If she makes you late to go to a movie or skating, just say "never mind" and stay home! Tell her ONE TIME. Don't stress yourself.

Btw: I have two teenaged sons and a 12yo daughter (as well as a 2yo dd and 3yo DS). Teenagers don't act like that! They act better. Kids will act as expected, usually, with a few anomalies. I expect my kids to know better and be better -- waaaay better than your DD is behaving. If one of my kids tries that, I promise it won't happen again. Don't say she's acting like a teen around her, or this is how DD will still be acting as a teen b/c it's what you expect.


Take back your power and control. Quit letting a 10yo get you guys so worked up, stressed, exhausted, etc. She's a manipulative little thing, and she is enjoying her power over you and your inability to keep control of her and your own emotions. She has you guys reacting to the littlest applied pressure; you guys DANCE for her! Just quit.


Good luck!
faire_jour
by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:21 AM
1 mom liked this

You are doing too many things and nothing consistently.

ceciliam
by Cecilia on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:23 AM
1 mom liked this

Well said, Amje! :)

mommahellbetty
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:37 AM
Have you thought about military school?seriously.it sounds like she needs behavior modification by people she doesn't have any buttons she thinks she can push.
My oldest loved to argue any and all points.he was/is a walking encyclopedia too,so it was unnerving at best,lol.
I didn't have the other stuff though.sounds like you are worn out and she's still in pregame mode.
She would probably benefit from consistent,highly structured long term environment.some kids thrive in that.
I'm kind of one of those people.
I don't know what else to say but good luck momma.look into your options with some out of your home programs.she has a game plan for the people in her life at the moment.
If this doesn't change before teen yes start,jail,school issues and more.
She's in some kind of therapy right?an outlet of sorts.how bout a structured thing like yoga,karate, anything that teaches discipline and gives an outlet.
goodnurse1
by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:38 AM

My Son was a NIGHTMARE! I MEAN, JUST AS BAD AS YOUR DAUGHTER. He didn't improve until we finally placed him on Risperidone. He improved greatly after that. Oh, and we were blamed for "bad parenting" too, and made to feel like it was our fault. IT WASNT!

ILovemyPaulie
by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:45 AM
1 mom liked this

I didn't get to read your whole post but I think I got the gist of it. I have one recommendation. Extracurricular activities. Fill all her down time with them. Sports, piano, volunteering at the library, anything you can find to keep her busy after school and weekends. They have evening programs at the local libraries too like reading to younger kids (book buddies) and crafts, putting books away etc. Keep her busy.

amje
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 10:59 AM
Thank you!


How nice!😊


Quoting ceciliam:

Well said, Amje! :)

SweetLuci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 11:03 AM

Sign her up for a martial arts class. They teach discipline, and she would work off some of her hostility.

Don't use the excuse that she has mental problems. She can behave at school and in other homes. She is punishing you. Figure out some simple rules, be consistent. Don't get in arguments with her. When you say something, do it only once. Then don't say anything else. When she starts mouthing off, just ignore her, she'll soon get tired of having a fit if it gets no attention.

amje
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 11:03 AM
This is most likely spot on!



You have to be consistent CONSISTENTLY, OP.


Quoting faire_jour:

You are doing too many things and nothing consistently.

WillowRose24
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 11:14 AM

Thank you for understanding and not bashing! She is spoiled, SO spoiled. Alot of it has to do with her grandparents.

I couldn't afford child care when she was younger so they kept her while I went to work. Even if I told them she couldn't have something, all she had to do was say she wanted it. (soda, new toy, COFFEE.. yeah, even coffee) and they'd just give in.

She's had stability for the last 4 years. Before that it was a ton of bickering back and forth between her dad and I ... Moving a ton because he couldn't or wouldn't pay the bills on time. Moving in with my parents when I finally left him and then trying to grow up and get us out of there. I worked a ton of hours to get a place so they had her a lot... 

Her step dad is strict. He was raised on one end of the spectrum while I was raised on the other. I was spoiled, but I never gave my parents half the back talk she gives me. I respected them. Knew that if I were to act out I'd get a whoopin' (can't do that now days) 

We try to stay consistent. She's on a schedule. Homework at 4, Free time, Dinner at 6, then shower, then bed by 7:30-8:00 Usually both kiddos are in bed by then. She knows the deal. It's nothing new. Yet, she'll have her water or whatever before bed and then after she's in bed and lights out she starts yelling. "Mom...MOM Can I have more water?" I just ignore her but she keeps it up and keeps it up until DH finally snaps and goes in there to tell her to stop. She never laughs in his face. There was a time where he was getting her up and ready for school and she left with him because the baby was little and I was usually nursing him in the mornings, and she NEVER gave him any issues. But his job changed his hours so now I get her up at 6:30 and she's out the door in an hour. (sometimes) 

I work from home so I can start whenever, that's why as soon as we get our second car this month, I'll be taking her to school. 

I usually try my best to ignore her or stick to what I say. I said she's not coming to the circus and she's not. I'll give her ticket to someone else. We were supposed to go with my best friend and her two children plus dinner. - Know what she said to me when I excitedly told her we had tickets?? 

"I don't even like the Circus. I mean, I'll go.. but just keep the clowns away from me." 

I'm like, you've never even been to the Circus. . . -_-

I've never told her she's acting like a teen. That's just my own observation. I'm just dreading when the hormones kick in and the mood swings, and cramps, and just ugh... 

Quoting amje: *no one is a perfect mom, though you won't convince some of these ladies of it*😉 Okay: She DOES run the show. She has you guys by the short hairs. You're her own live little puppet show that she gets hopping for her own amusement whenever she wants. I don't see this as a mental illness - yet. I see inconsistent parenting, a spoiled kid, and the parent-child balance is way off. Basically, because of what you mentioned a few times: she is in perfect control of herself at school (& I bet with other people in their homes). She's making a choice to behave like this at home. She is capable of behaving. She knows what is expected of her and can meet those expectations. She sounds more like a spoiled brat to me. The torture will continue until you guys learn to #1: be consistent. Always do what you say. You CANNOT take her to the circus if you have already said to her that she cannot go. I have a feeling she gets her way more often than not. Otherwise she would believe you when you say something the 1st time. #2.Disengage, use planned ignoring, and don't reward undesirable behaviors with attention. She doesn't care if it's positive or negative, attention is attention and it's a payoff she likes. It's scary, but you have to walk away. Roll your eyes when she starts her shit and avoid her until she's quiet. #3. Allow her to face natural consequences. If you tell her there's 5 minutes, then she knows. Don't run around getting more upset as she kills time. Be calm and ignore her. If it's time to go and she's not ready, pick her up, put her in the truck AS IS, and send her on her way. She wont like that. Also, she doesnt want to get in trouble for tardies at school, and if she has no one to blame but herself, then tough shit. If she makes you late to go to a movie or skating, just say "never mind" and stay home! Tell her ONE TIME. Don't stress yourself. Btw: I have two teenaged sons and a 12yo daughter (as well as a 2yo dd and 3yo DS). Teenagers don't act like that! They act better. Kids will act as expected, usually, with a few anomalies. I expect my kids to know better and be better -- waaaay better than your DD is behaving. If one of my kids tries that, I promise it won't happen again. Don't say she's acting like a teen around her, or this is how DD will still be acting as a teen b/c it's what you expect. Take back your power and control. Quit letting a 10yo get you guys so worked up, stressed, exhausted, etc. She's a manipulative little thing, and she is enjoying her power over you and your inability to keep control of her and your own emotions. She has you guys reacting to the littlest applied pressure; you guys DANCE for her! Just quit. Good luck!


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