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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Teen step daughter dating 23 year old with his own child &hiding it.

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2008 at 11:16 PM
  • 19 Replies
My 15 year old step daughter just moved in with us.  I've been in her life since she was 6 so we have a very comfortable relationship.  Now taking on the role of custodial parent is a whole new ball game.  Before I was always the go to Mom for advice, etc.  Prior to her staying with us she had all the freedom in the world and made decisions based on having that freedom.  i.e. smoking pot, drinking, losing her virginity in a non-commital relationship.  Now it seems, its our job to redirect her.  School will become her main focus (it never has been), however, shes having difficulties giving up her old life.   She has been having a sexual relationship with a 23 year old man with a child of his own.  I confronted him the other day and told him that unless he wanted to go to jail, he had to leave her be.  I've just discovered that she is still talking to him.  I know that they havent seen eachother to hook up again, but I dont want her hanging onto the idea.   When I threatened him before, she had a huge meltdown and didnt talk to me for days, she complained about me betraying her trust, etc. etc.  I am not sure how to approach it again and could use some advice.  Also, I could use any advice on helping her adjust her attitude towards school.
by on Jan. 19, 2008 at 11:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Hlask06
by on Jan. 19, 2008 at 11:20 PM
I WAS your daughter years ago. I was 16 and dating a 27 year old who had a 2 year old. Telling her NO isnt going to help. Confronting them isnt going to help. Talk to her- Dont be mean or mad. Just talk to her. Tell her its hard to have step kids and raise kids when you're young. Ask her how shes going to drive the baby to day care? She has to step up and be a mom if she wants to date him... It will probably scare the crap out of her, and if you seem to be okay with it, the facination of doing something you wont like and something not the "norm" will quickly wear off.
jenjen81605
by on Jan. 19, 2008 at 11:42 PM
I've been her. When I was 16 my boyfriend was 27 and had 3 children (ironicly, he's the father of my baby-due in june. but that's totally another topic)

My parent's never cared who I dated- because they assumed that I wasn't having sex. The best thing you can do for her is tell her that you're only doing this because you care- I know how cliche that sounds, but sometimes it needs to be said. Try to explain that though you trust her, but it's him you don't trust. Explain that there are laws against that kind of relationship for a reason- she may be mature for her age (or not) but she's still too young to be with a guy who was already making out with girls before she'd even gotten into kindergarden.

There are a million ways to look a it. If all else fails, point out that she's a minor living under YOUR roof and she has to obey the rules that you and your husband set down.

Teenagers are horrible (I still am one, so I know lol) and teenage girls are the pits. Eventually, though, those teenage girls grow into women like you and many of the other women on CafeMom- women that know how to handle life, and know how to ask for help when they need it. You're helping her down the long, painfull road to being an adult. Good luck, honey. :D
kpaganelli
by on Jan. 19, 2008 at 11:51 PM
Has anyone ever followed through with a threat to put the older boyfriend in jail?  How did it play out?  I dont want to do it, but only because of my relationship with my step daughter.  Her Mom is looking to me to be the bad guy for a change.  I expect fully to change how things go around here, I can control certain things, i.e. cell phone, computer.  I'll face that battle, but I was wondering what happened if a parent filed charges.  What happened with your relationship with your daughter, what happend in court, etc?
krazymom2k03
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 12:03 AM
I would make her get a job in a day care and let her see how hard it s to take care of a child. tell her if she is going to act like an adult she will be treated like one. tough love may be your best thing at this point. i would not make threats to her or him this is only going to make it worse talk to her about it as much as you can but do it in a loving way. We all will respond better to a caring understanding person better than a mean  person demanding something out of us.
jjsnape
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 12:18 AM

Quoting kpaganelli:

Has anyone ever followed through with a threat to put the older boyfriend in jail?  How did it play out?  I dont want to do it, but only because of my relationship with my step daughter.  Her Mom is looking to me to be the bad guy for a change.  I expect fully to change how things go around here, I can control certain things, i.e. cell phone, computer.  I'll face that battle, but I was wondering what happened if a parent filed charges.  What happened with your relationship with your daughter, what happend in court, etc?

i wouldnt do that i would go with what the frist too saied....i am telling you that if you do that it will just push her out faster that is what happened to my 14 yr old cusin and now she has a 3 yr old and married and is having another one and thats what happen to my sister too she was told and demaned to stop seeing this guy when she was 16teen and then they had a kid then got merried then had another kid and then devoced and then she went with other guys and going wild and then now she just had another one with and guys that she is dating and not merried to.you and the girls dad need to sit her down and have a talk with her about it and it may be that she is looking for addteson from some one. it will be a big mess if you do that or if you demaned .... dont push her more away pull her closer and make her understand and talk to her and ask why is she doing this to her self and tell her how much you cear for her well being
APRIL MOM OF A LIL GIRL NAMED JESSICA
sacdp29
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 3:20 PM
My question is:  What does her father (your husband) thinks about this?  Does he and his daughter have a good relationship?
I would have him help you with some of the decisions.  She is still a minor and like I've told my 2 kids when they were younger.  You live under my roof then you follow my rules.  Tough love is what it sounds like you are going to have to do.

so sorry you are going through all this.
Susan
proud_mommie_88
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 3:29 PM
I have been there, I was 16 dating a 26yr old doing drugs and being a real pain in the rear to my parents, I'm 19 now and i look back and WOW i realized i messed up big time,

The easiest thing to do would be sit down with her as a mother but talk as if you were her Best Friend and discuss the matter with her.  My mom simply talked to me about things i was doing and that it wasn't a good idea told me the whole STD and pregnancy thing..... she didn't yell at me or try and tell me what to do she just talked to me, That's probably your best option and that will also bring you guys closer together again and she will be able to talk to you about anything =)

I wish you the best of luck =)
mom27g
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 3:36 PM
I wish you good luck with this - I don't really have any advice to offer you. That is such a huge age difference, why would a 23 year old want to hang out with a 15 year old. It's different than like a 20 year old and a 17 year old. I would hate to be in your spot. This is a tough call, I think he is way to old for her and should be arrested for it, but that said that may push her away from you. Maybe take the opposite route, try being supportive and allowing him in your home, maybe she'll get bored and it won't be a challenge for it - just an idea.   I am offering up prayers for you guys.

Pam

Mom to 2 boys, wife to a wonderful husband

 

 

jackiec7707
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 4:03 PM
 I also was your step daughter.  I always dated older guys. My current  boyfriend was 25 and I was 16.  7 years later we are still together, we just had twins. Oh and he had 3 kids at the time we got together. My dad never approved of him so I moved out at 16 and got an apartment with him. My mom always understood me and would come over and spend the weekends with us. 
 More than anything if I was you I would try to understand her.  Maybe even let them spend time together at your house so you can see whats going on. Like I said I was her and anyone that disagreed with us was pushed out of my life very fast.  I never let them back in to be honest. Good luck!!
wiggles1225
by on Jan. 20, 2008 at 8:35 PM
I have dated older men but I was 20 and, I know this sounds horrible, but I only dated them for their money and when I got bored I split. Has anyone ever listened to Dr. Drew Penski? (sp?) He says that that sort of behavior is something underlying. He would say that you need to seek some sort of help because in a teenager that age it's usually going to be depression or something along those lines and you will have to break that habit before it becomes her LIFE. You can find services through the hospital, fire dept. your health insurance, etc. Good Luck.
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