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Am I a bad mom? Leaving baby overnight

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:06 AM
  • 44 Replies
Our son is 11 months now. He still gets up 2 to 4 times at night. He is a child full of energy and very curious. He wants us to hold his hand, so he can walk all the time. He pulls shoes out if the rack, pulls rugs, books out of the shelves, pulls chairs around (like the lightweight bar stols). Anyway, he is a lot of constant work. You can not just out him in a crib or playpen and let him play.
My husband and me work full time and we are exhausted all the time. So once every 5-6 weeks, we ask the nanny to stay with the baby overnight and we go to a hotel. We go to a dinner or by the pool, then go to the room, watch a movie, get some wine . We wake up early in the morning and we are home around 8.
We did it 3 times already, we started when he was 7-8 months old.
Here is my problem - I can not relax when I am away from my baby!!! I constantly feel guilty, I wake up every hour or at night because I do not hear the baby moving (he sleeps in our bedroom). When we are outside and I hear baby crying, my heart sops beating for a second and tears come to my eyes, I can't help it but think that my baby may be crying right now and I am out having fun!
We do trust our nanny, she has 18 years experience caring for up to 6 kids at the same time. We are friends with her son and his girlfriend. She cares for our little one since he was 5 months old (6 months now).
Why can't I relax when I am away from my son? Am I a bad mother for leaving my child to have fun? I need it for my sanity and my marriage.... but why can't I enjoy it? Is it going to get better?
by on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tonysgurl05
by Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:11 AM
U just need to relax. What ur doing is perfectly fine. U r in no way a bad mother. Enjoy ur time off. U deserve it
atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:13 AM

We left our dd with my Mom when she was 3 months old.  We left our 2 kids when they were 5 and 2 1/2 for 10 days when we went to Europe.  

Now mine were sleeping through the night at 2 months and 5 months so it was easy for someone to watch them overnight.  

Do not feel gulity.  Having a good marriage is important.  People that live only for their kids don't have a marriage when they are empty nesters.  

S.M.ile
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:14 AM
Thank you!

Quoting Tonysgurl05: U just need to relax. What ur doing is perfectly fine. U r in no way a bad mother. Enjoy ur time off. U deserve it
PinkButterfly66
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:18 AM

Stop feeling guilty!  Relax and recharge your batteries so you have the energy to chase after your little energizer bunny!

S.M.ile
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:20 AM
Thank you!
May be I would have felt better, if he was with his grandmother. But my mom's health is not great and my MIL doesn't want to do it, she usually babysits for up to 2 hours.
He was a very needy baby, he had colic, reflux, teething (8 teeth almost back to back) and he was having long hours of screaming. I guess that makes me always worry that he may be crying. He does not have any of those issues for months.
That's great that you went to Europe for 10 days! We are going in Spetember, but will bring the little one with us (will be fun).

Quoting atlmom2:

We left our dd with my Mom when she was 3 months old.  We left our 2 kids when they were 5 and 2 1/2 for 10 days when we went to Europe.  

Now mine were sleeping through the night at 2 months and 5 months so it was easy for someone to watch them overnight.  

Do not feel gulity.  Having a good marriage is important.  People that live only for their kids don't have a marriage when they are empty nesters.  

S.M.ile
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:21 AM
I know, I do try really hard, but I can't help it. I had two glasses of wine (and I usually have a glass per week) to make me relax and it helped just a little.
Thank you!

Quoting PinkButterfly66:

Stop feeling guilty!  Relax and recharge your batteries so you have the energy to chase after your little energizer bunny!

atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:22 AM

Most of our vacations were without kids till they were older.  Our first 5 day weekend was when our oldest was one.  We have never lived near famly so when they visited us we left our kids and took off for a mini vacation many times.  


Quoting S.M.ile: Thank you! May be I would have felt better, if he was with his grandmother. But my mom's health is not great and my MIL doesn't want to do it, she usually babysits for up to 2 hours. He was a very needy baby, he had colic, reflux, teething (8 teeth almost back to back) and he was having long hours of screaming. I guess that makes me always worry that he may be crying. He does not have any of those issues for months. That's great that you went to Europe for 10 days! We are going in Spetember, but will bring the little one with us (will be fun).
Quoting atlmom2:

We left our dd with my Mom when she was 3 months old.  We left our 2 kids when they were 5 and 2 1/2 for 10 days when we went to Europe.  

Now mine were sleeping through the night at 2 months and 5 months so it was easy for someone to watch them overnight.  

Do not feel gulity.  Having a good marriage is important.  People that live only for their kids don't have a marriage when they are empty nesters.  



S.M.ile
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:32 AM
That's a good strategy! And That's great that family would agree to help with the kids. And it's good for the relationship between the husband and wife! Every couple needs quality time and happy moments!
We are brining my mom and my MIL with us, hoping that we can still have some time to go do sightseeing. Our goal is to see how much my mom can help (considering her health) same with my MIL (and how much would she be willing to do, as when she visits, we barely make her stay with him while he is napping, so we go to run some errands).
I am craving adults only vacation, but I am too anxious to leave the baby. So anxious, that we are paying parts of the grandmas' expenses, so they can join us.
I am always afraid that he may fall and hit his head while walking or pull something off a shelf on his head (we are usually very careful not to leave things) or when he pulls the bar stol, it will fall on his head.... I know, I should relax... and he will get hurt through the years, no matter how much we are trying to protect him...


Quoting atlmom2:

Most of our vacations were without kids till they were older.  Our first 5 day weekend was when our oldest was one.  We have never lived near famly so when they visited us we left our kids and took off for a mini vacation many times.  

Quoting S.M.ile: Thank you!
May be I would have felt better, if he was with his grandmother. But my mom's health is not great and my MIL doesn't want to do it, she usually babysits for up to 2 hours.
He was a very needy baby, he had colic, reflux, teething (8 teeth almost back to back) and he was having long hours of screaming. I guess that makes me always worry that he may be crying. He does not have any of those issues for months.
That's great that you went to Europe for 10 days! We are going in Spetember, but will bring the little one with us (will be fun).

Quoting atlmom2:

We left our dd with my Mom when she was 3 months old.  We left our 2 kids when they were 5 and 2 1/2 for 10 days when we went to Europe.  

Now mine were sleeping through the night at 2 months and 5 months so it was easy for someone to watch them overnight.  

Do not feel gulity.  Having a good marriage is important.  People that live only for their kids don't have a marriage when they are empty nesters.  

lovingladyo4
by Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:34 AM

I think you are doing yourself a great disservice to categorize yourself as a bad mother. Rather, classify yourself as a loving, caring, and attached mother. There is nothing wrong with that, especially in the formative years of a baby's development. Bonding is the single most crucial ingredient that will shape your child and help him identify his self worth.

But I don't think that is the problem - in fact there isn't really a problem at all! Just a hurdle that is taking you time to overcome. Not only does your child have growing pains, (learning from your instruction, learning what discipline is, etc.), but you too as a mom have your own growing pains as well (learning to trust, learning to relinquish, learning how to be free within the confines of your own expectations, etc.) 

I do believe that time spent with your spouse is factored into the equation for a healthy marriage, and a healthy marriage makes a happy home. 

How does your husband feel about this? Has he displayed any resentment or frustration that your attention is always on the baby and not on him? I can't answer these questions, but they are just food for thought.

As with everything else in life, there has to be a balance. All components of family life need to be in balance that results in harmony. 

Your best bet is to talk more about this with your husband and let him be your counselor and encourager.

S.M.ile
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2017 at 11:47 AM
Thank you!
I know that in the future if I do not lose up, I will cause problems to my child, I should not be overprotective helicopter mom. But it's stronger than me.
First when I went back to work, I was in the verge of crying all the time. But when I am at work, it's because I have to make money. But when I am out for fun, I feel so guilty!
But ever since I got pregnant I started constantly to worry, that something bad will happen any time.
My husband and me had some issues when the baby was born, we grew apart for some months due to exhaustion and me always working about the baby. I slept on a couch next to find bed for the first 6 months (I did not work at that time). Then when I started working, we have a company sponsored daycare, a block away from the office, but I refused to put him in daycare. I did 3 weeks transition with the nanny, so I could feel comfortable that he knew my baby well before I would go back to work.
We are generally good with my husband now (when the colic and reflux are gone and the baby sleeps more or less). We try to down an hour together every night after we put the baby to sleep.
I don't think that we are having a second child... I can not handle the stress to constantly worry about everything....


Quoting lovingladyo4:

I think you are doing yourself a great disservice to categorize yourself as a bad mother. Rather, classify yourself as a loving, caring, and attached mother. There is nothing wrong with that, especially in the formative years of a baby's development. Bonding is the single most crucial ingredient that will shape your child and help him identify his self worth.

But I don't think that is the problem - in fact there isn't really a problem at all! Just a hurdle that is taking you time to overcome. Not only does your child have growing pains, (learning from your instruction, learning what discipline is, etc.), but you too as a mom have your own growing pains as well (learning to trust, learning to relinquish, learning how to be free within the confines of your own expectations, etc.) 

I do believe that time spent with your spouse is factored into the equation for a healthy marriage, and a healthy marriage makes a happy home. 

How does your husband feel about this? Has he displayed any resentment or frustration that your attention is always on the baby and not on him? I can't answer these questions, but they are just food for thought.

As with everything else in life, there has to be a balance. All components of family life need to be in balance that results in harmony. 

Your best bet is to talk more about this with your husband and let him be your counselor and encourager.

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