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Daughter, 12 ~ just don't get it! (kind of long, sorry)

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
  • 3 Replies
I'm typing in pink...because pink makes me happy!

I tried reading some of the other postings from parents, but non of them seemed to fit my daughter.

She is in 7th grade, and pretty much the first 6 months she was 12 were hell.  He started lieing all the time, her grades started slipping and she just started being a person that I had never seen before.  After seeking advice from many people and trying many things she finally started turning around.  She had all of her privileges taken away from her and her room was emptied of anything other then what she needed, so she had her bed, blankets, one pencil, one pen, note book paper and clothes.  She was not allowed to watch tv or talk on the phone.  then it's like she woke up one morning and realized that she had turned into "teenzilla" and she started communicating more and not lieing.... at least that we found... and her grades were the best they had been in years!  Sweet!  We thought this was all behind us and we were thankful that it was a short but hectic phase!

Well about 3 weeks ago she started acting up again.  She is supposed to call me at work when she gets home... just so I know that she didn't get ran over by a car (which happened to a young girl just a few weeks ago) or kidnapped.  She understands why I want her to call, and had been really good about it for over a year.  She started calling me about 15 minutes later then she used to so I asked her, casually why.  it's not like I came unglued and freaked out I just ask if everything was alright and why she was late calling me..... she said that sometimes the bush driver takes a different rout and her stop is first and sometimes it's last.... so I said ok and didn't think much of it.  But then a few weeks later she was another 15-20 minutes calling me.  So I said this time, more in a what the heck did you forget about dear sweet mom kind of tone, "so why are you late calling me this time?" she said she had to go to the bathroom, so I didn't think anything of it.  but that entire week she was calling me at like 4:45 instead of 4:10-4:15 which was the normal time.  So everyday I asked, "why are you calling me so late?  I was worried!"  she said one thing after another, her lunch wasn't very filling so she was starving and she got a snack before calling me, she had to poop or she was talking to Dad.  I knew something was up.... even if it was that she just wasn't doing what she was supposed to and calling me as soon as she gets home.

So after about 2 weeks of her calling me late, and her using talking to dad as an excuse too many times, I decided to call dad right after hanging up with her and ask him if she had been talking with him.  He usually gets home around the same time so she could have been upstairs talking to him...... but he said "no I haven't seen her yet, is she home?"  I said yeah she just called me and said she was late calling me because she was talking with you! 

So needless to say.... she was lieing.  She is supposed to come straight home after school to be with her little brother Kyle who just turned 9 this week.  He gets home about 30-45 minutes before her so he's usually ok for that long before he gets worried.  You know kids don't like to be home alone ~ and like I said sometimes Dad gets home around the same time as the kids.  So after confronting her she lies and lies. 

While talking with her brother and telling him that I thought something was going on I just didn't know what yet.... I finally get out of him that she has called him once or twice to say that she had to go pee so she was going to go to her friends house and would be home in a few minutes.  AHHHH HA!  So I now know what she's doing and that she IS lieing to me!

So I confront her.  I said "I have had a feeling that something is going on and that you are lieing to me..... I want to believe that we are past that.... so I'm giving you one last chance to tell me the truth about what you are doing after school instead of coming home."  Again she lies and says that it's the bus driver or she is just going to the bathroom as soon as she gets home....... which I now know she does in fact go to the bathroom as soon as she gets home because she is washing off the make up that she's not supposed to be wearing!  Anyway.  Let's just say that I feel like we have tried everything with her at one time or another and the only thing left to do is swat her bum!  So in comes dad... mom doesn't like doing this, but is in the room and supports it being done.  So she gets a couple of swats... then she decides that she wants to tell us what she has been doing.  Now I never told her that I knewshe was doing..... only that I knew what she was doing. Does that make sense?

So she admits that she has been hanging out with her friends after school.  I guess she goes to visit her friends grandparents that live just around the corner from us, that her friends take the bus to and from everyday.  That's cool.   Not a huge deal to me if she wants to hang out with old people!  I think it's great!  I would like to meet them just to make sure they are not feeding her pot brownies or something but other then that ~ as most of the things she gets in-trouble for ~ all you have to do is ask!  She has never asked to go over there any other time!  I didn't even know that she knew them!

So there's that. 

Then on top of it all.... there's two more issues at the same time........ are you still with me???

Ok, from the time she as like 4 I have always wanted a girly girl!  Ya know the little girls that like purses and lip gloss.... well that's never been her ~ and I have come to terms with that.   but about a year and a half ago I started up with Mary Kay Cosmetics.  She as just barely 11 at this point and not at all interested in make up.... trust me I have asked!  But I told her that this was the best stuff out there and that if she wanted to start wearing it to just let me know and I would hook her up!  I even got her some of the teen line skin care and started teaching her about really taking care of her skin.....and asked again if she wanted any make up... lip gloss, sparkly eye shadows.... still nothing.  But then about 8 months later at Parent Teacher Conferences we decided to swing by her locker because there were several home work sheets that were "in my locker" so guess what I found!  That's right... all sorts of make up!  Ohhh it's not mine she said.... yeah right.  And it was crappy stuff too!  The cheep stuff that people by for their kids... YUCK!  So when we got home we talked about the germs and things she could get from sharing make up with her friends..... especially if there were lots of girls using it!  That and they colors were all dark colors and not something I think 12 year old girls should be wearing ~ So again I offered to get her some of her own from Mary Kay.... .she said no and swore that she was not wearing it.   Well a few months later she was in-trouble for sneaking chocolate pudding and a real coke into her room!  She's not even allowed to drink real coke!!!!  So we searched her room and guess what we found!  MORE MAKE UP!
So after arguing with my husband I decided to just get her some of her own damn make up!  That way if she was going to wear it at least she would have her own to wear!  So when it came we talked about wearing appropriate colors and what she was allowed to wear and what she was not allowed to wear.  And as far as I know it took the excitement out of make up and she only wore it every once in a while.  I always complemented her when she was wearing it.... besides..... I picked some of the best colors for her!  That's what I do best!  But right around the same time that she started going over to her friends grandparents house I noticed something else.  I would come home and her eye lashes would look wet or like she had mascara on.  The first time I asked her and she said no, the second time I asked her she said no and I went straight into the bathroom and got my most awesome "Mary Kay oil free eye make up remover" which is the only thing that will get my water proof mascara off!  And I swiped a cotton ball over her eyes with the make up remover on it and nothing come off!  So I had to believe her!  There was no proof that she had any make up on at all!  But then just 3 days later I saw little specks of something under her eye and asked her again if she was wearing mascara or eye liner or something.... she said no.  So I said don't move you have something that's going to get into your eye and rushed to the bathroom and this time put the oil free make up remover on a q-tip and gently wiped under her eye and there was just the finest little bit of crumbs on it.  They were dark!  I couldn't tell if they were black, brown or purple.... so I showed it to her and said "here's proof that you are wearing something..... why don't you just tell me the truth this time"  so she said it was purple.... I asked purple what... .she said eye shadow.... and it was mine!  Now we had a talk about using my stuff.... I said that if she asked she may be allowed to borrow some of it.... but most of it was not sutff that she could wear everyday.  Now this purple is dark purple.... it's one of my favorite colors but I wear it mostly at night..... not a color a young girl should be wearing!  So there again.... doing things she knows she is not supposed to do and lieing about it!

WOW this is long.... can we say life story?  Thanks if your still reading.... I'm almost done I promise!

The last thing is school.  Some of the parents on here have talked about their kids waiting until the last minute to do their homework.... she just never does hers!  She doesn't bring anything home ~ never really has.  I have bought her so many things and tried to help her with ideas on how to stay organized.  I have talked to the school, asked the teachers to e-mail me before something is so late that she would get an F even if she turned it in.  I just don't know what to do!  We have talked to her about bring home homework but nothing ever seems to happen.  How on earth do I get her to even bring it home?  We have searched her bag many times and it's usually empty!  It's like she throws it away on her way out of class.  He school used to send home these progress reports weekly but I have only seem 1 for the month of Jan.  and no one has contacted me about her not bringing them back to school signed!  at every PTC for the last 2 years I have asked for ideas and help to get her to do her homework.... but the teachers never have any ideas.  About 4 months ago I started feeling so guilty thinking perhaps she really has a problem and I'm just being mean.... so I talked to the school counselor and she suggested getting her tested for ADD, ADHD and some other things.... so we did that!  The teachers were involved, the school counselor and the head of special ed!  I mean if something was wrong I would hope that they would have some ideas!!!!  But the only thing they said was that she was too chatty in class and didn't have much common sense :(  great check them off the helpful list.  So great... she's not a technical spaz ~ she just chooses to be one!?!?!?!?

So that's pretty much it.  She lies, she doesn't even bring her homework home to not do and she is starting to fail at school!  What do I do??????

God bless you for reading all of that!  And thank you from the bottom of my heart for any advice you might have!

by on Jan. 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
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by on Jan. 25, 2008 at 3:28 AM
I know she's only 12 but she may be experiencing the hormonal rages that teenage girls, today, experience. I've written an article that has some good tips for Moms of teen daughters that may help you:


Your daughter is definitely rebelling against you and trying to find her own "self" at this point in her life. Maybe you should get her involved in some after-school programs. Find out what her interests are and hobbies and then find a program that will help her focus her hobbies and interests. Or, see if there is some sort of hobby she would like to start up and learn more about and get her involved in it.

There are also after-school tutoring programs that may give her some one-on-one help. Some kids just need that one-on-one attention in order to truly focus and comprehend the work presented in a classroom.

But most important is you need to just sit down and actually listen to her---make her feel like she doesn't have to build a lie and that she can discuss what is going on in every facet of her young life with you. She obviously doesn't feel that she can let you in---maybe she fears the reprecussions of being honest, some kids just create that anxiety and need extra reassurance that no matter what they have to say or come clean with that you as their parent will responsibly stand by them and help them through it no matter how bad it may be.

She's 12--a pre-teen and she is going to continue on the path of learning who she is and who she wants to be---you have to be that positive influence and encouragement, because if you aren't her friends will be and they aren't wise enough to give the best advice as they are also in the process of making mistakes that they have to learn from. You want to be her first line of defense and the person she can always come to, especially during this time in her life.

You may even want to try some counseling mediation for you and her so you two can develop a better line of communication that isn't one based sifting through her lies.

by on Jan. 25, 2008 at 3:57 AM
Honeslty she has a right to hang out with her friends, do you think its fair to hold her responsible to watch her little brother everyday after shcool.  Maybe you need to loosten up let her try having a life of her own and be her own person.  If your willing to let her wear make-up then it really isnt fair that you should choose the colors she can wear.  Trust me being an invloved parent is a good thing but you also need to let her be a teenager.  Do you remember how annoying your mother was when you were her age stop stressing the little things, as long as shes following basic rules whats the big deal, wouldnt it bother you if someone told you what you could eat, drink, wear, and pretty much how to live your life.  You sound lkie a very caring mother but maybe just a little overbearing.
by on Jan. 25, 2008 at 5:42 PM

Dear july20080305,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, but perhaps you are mistaking me for your mother?  You seem to have some serious aggression about what I am going though? 

In my family yes, I do expect her to come straight home and keep an eye out for her brother, if her Dad is not already home.  She doesn't usually have to watch him for more then an hour sometimes less.  It sucks but someone has to be the first born and I'm sure that many first borns have to have some level of responsibility ~ and she was given that as an option not a have to.  I was planning on having her brother go to before and after school care.... it was her idea for him to come home.  Besides she should be at home having a snack and doing her home work.  She spends lots of time with her friends.  The only time we say no to her spending time with her friends if it interferes with family activities ~ family first! 

As for the make up I strongly believe that it is perfectly normal for a mother to decided what colors within reason her 12 or 13 year old daughter can wear.  I will not allow her to walk around looking like a street walker.  Besides.... we choose the colors together.  I gave her some options and she picked the ones she liked.... and they are some of the same colors I wear on a daily basis.  One thing that I hope you learn for your 10 month old daughters sake is to be reasonable.... you have to set limits with children or they will turn out to be out of control! Children need boundaries.... look it up.

As for my mother, she was pretty much never involved in my life and that sucked.  I have done the opposite of what my mother did, and although I may not be perfect..... I feel I am doing what's best for my children.

Did you even really read what I posted?  I am not so not sweating the small stuff.... and she doesn't follow the basic rules!!!  That's the problem!  She breaks every rule we set!

Even though I completely disagree with what you are saying, I still thank you for your time, if everyone agreed the world would be a boring place!  I wish you lots of luck with your daughter and your pregnancy ~ God Bless.

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