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I need to vent a little... maybe relationship advice.... idk

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 5:01 AM
  • 14 Replies

I don't even know how to start this, because I really don't even know how I feel at this point...
I guess I'll start with the basics and try not to take this too long.
Me and Justin have been together got 7 years. We met in High school and had a kid at 17. We have never been married. We started out things, pretty rough, since I got pregnant pretty quick (had him right before our one year anniversary), after I moved in with him (and his grandmother) and bunch of crud happened, his mother died, his grandmother died, our best friend died... he turned into the biggest ass, and I probably shouldn't have stayed with him than, BUT I did... today things are MUCH different.
At this point he has turned out to be a great guy, and father. We now have two children, he has a good job, and I'm even a STAH mom for the first time ever. Anyhow, One of the big problems at this point is he is for sure an Alcoholic. When he drinks, he turns into the biggest ass in the world. Normally I would just tell him to Fuck Off when he's drunk and he would go to his friends house or something and come home the next day.... but we moved 4000 miles (from Alaska to Kentucky) and have NO friends. So now I have to DEAL With him being a dumb ass and I hate it. LAst time he got drunk he made fun of me for being and Atheist (this dose NOT mean that I want to be preached to PLEASE I'm not in the mood)! He has no IDEA what an Atheist is, and if I try to tell him it goes in one ear and out the other....  I got fed up with  his shit and found his moonshine and poured it down the sink.... YEs I know, that was me antaganizing... but I think I'd rather him be mad at me than be a dumb drunk. I HATE him drunk... as soon as he has a beer I just start to hate him.... I don't know why.. most of the time he can be pretty nice. But he really annoys me when he drinks, no matter what. I just can't help it...
WELL after I poured the moon shine out, he freaked out, called me a fat lazy bitch (yeah ok.. I guess I am), told me that the kids liked him more (WHAT the fuck?), and whatever else, he thought could get under my skin... and he threw his ring at me (we were wearing gold rings because we live in this REALLY small and religious community, and did not want to be bothered by people wanting to be nosey, but when we got them, they were kinda a symbol of a promise ring)! And that wasn't the first time.. he lost it too... the cat took off with it and we have not seen it since.
So pretty much at this point, I feel heart broken, but not surprised. IT's been like two weeks since then, and thinks have calmed down a lot.... but I still feel kinda empty, but when I think about leaving him (which I don't think would be possible here!?!?!?!), I feel sick. I do love him... but sometimes it feels like only sometimes I love him... dose that make any sense?
I'm sad, but happy... I really don't know how to feel.
It's like he's a great guy who I have loved for ever, but he's got such a stupid dark side that makes me want to never see him again.

WELL I guess that's it... I'm not looking for any answers I guess, because I know no one can give them to me... and "leave him." just really isn't an answer.... It's just not that simple... I guess I just needed to let it out.

by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 5:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Eyes4music
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 5:12 AM

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

Jabrw0ke
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 5:26 AM

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 


Eyes4music
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:07 AM

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:


I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 



jnick82
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:10 AM

I completely understand your feelings. SO and I have been together over 4 years. We are having our 2nd baby in January. We are currently sepereated because of his drinking. He is this wonderful loving man and great father and then the tab pushes a hole in the aluminum top and the froth come out of the top and it's like a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde transformation. It's hard when you love them to walk away and technically I haven't but he knows sobriety is the only way we will be together. We've been seperated since September and today is day 9 of sobriety. He has finally agreed to go to AA.

I'm not telling you to leave but I can tell you I've heard the I'll never change and I will be a drunk til I die several times before. My best advice is stop trying to change him and start healing you. Find a local Alanon and start going. That was something else that hekped Bryan see his own problem. He has started to realize that his disease is affecting his whole family.

Also remember Alcoholism is a disease. It's hard to see it that way because you feel like he does this to himself how can it be a disease. but it is. Keep your head up and make sure you take care of your babies first and foremost because whether you can tell or not this affects them too If you need someone to talk to that is there currently hit me up.


 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

 


happyJennifer

jnick82
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:13 AM

I don't want to sound mean or bitchy but unfortunatly with addicts the if you love me argument will never work. It would be like telling a cancer patient if you love me you won't have cancer anymore. It's not something they can control with out help. Most alcoholism steems from a chemical imbalance like depression and the alcohol is just that persons way of medicating themselves

Quoting Eyes4music:

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

 

 


Jabrw0ke
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:32 AM

I completely agree. IT unfortunately has nothing to do with love.
I took an Alcoholics class a while back (it's a long story, when I was 13 I got a minor and I was suppose to take the class but no one told me, than when I went to renew my license last year, they were all "You have to take this class, we didn't notice because we didn't give you your license" I had gotten though a driving course, and just took the test to the DMV and they printed it up... ANYWAY, I was in a class when I shouldn't have been, but I did learn a LOT about Justin...).
I'm just tired, worn out, depressed, I feel like I'm at this point that I'm going to be leaving when I don't want to at all.... it breaks my heart, and it will continue to break my heart. I know that I cannot change him, and I don't want to. I love who he is... I just hate that other guy.
But he doesn't look at it like that, in fact if I say anything "I'm Nagging" or "Bitching" I actually can't talk about anything serious without being a bitch anymore... he'll just roll his eyes at me.
Shit... we got a dog, and I he wants to breed it, and I Tried explaining to him reasions why we shouldn't, or if his health test results come back bad, that it would be bad for the breed, and I just saw my worlds going in one ear and out the other.
Course that's off the topic.
One of the things about Justin is that he came from a hugely troubled past, family, childhood, you name it... anyways, he's been in and out of treatment, till he's met me. HE went to jail some and has quite a bit of drama just because of his alcoholism.
When he was in treatments, he didn't get a thing from them. HE didn't try, he just put a smile on and told them what they wanted to hear.
When I was PG with out son, he was in a treatment center for teens for 6 months and I talked with him and a councillor over the phone and I could have sworn that he was going to come back a changed person, but no.... no no no.... he was just "playing there game" ya know.
I'm not  trying to come up with any excuses for anything, I just am trying to give more info really. So much has gone on with him for the past 7 years, that I can't possibly remember it all... it just feels like when I look back on our lives together, it's all been BAD, like bad memories. And I know that's not true, otherwise I wouldn't still be here? Right?
I know there has been good times, but very few, and I can't recall them.

I think were just in an unhealthy relationship. Emotionally draining, and mentally abusive.
One thing that gets me though, is he doesn't seem as worried as I do.

Quoting jnick82:

I don't want to sound mean or bitchy but unfortunatlywith addicts the if you love me argument will never work. It would be like telling a cancer patient if you love me you won't have cancer anymore. It's not something they can control with out help. Most alcoholism steemsfrom a chemical imbalance like depression and the alcohol is just that persons way of medicating themselves

Quoting Eyes4music:

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

 

 

 


jnick82
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:52 AM

And until he's ready to get help he won't be as concerned as you are. That's the worst part of of alcoholism. Again it took me leaving and several months of showin him I wasn't going to do it anymore. We ended up at the hospital last sunday because of his withdrawals and it scared him into realizing he was going to die if he didn't do something. His liver is inflamed and his enzyme levels are 120 points higher than the max that they should be. It's scary it's heartbreaking and sometimes you just want to give up. Remember whatever decision you eventually make you are a strong woman. It takes a strong woman to leave and it takes a strong woman to stay.God willing one day (soon) he will see that he has to have help. It sounds like he has alot of issues from when he was young and only counseling (that he is serious about not that is court ordered) will get him through this. Try not to "nag" and don't treat him like a child or monitor his drinking because that will only make him angry. Ad again find a local ALANON meeting I've only been once but plan on going more after the first of the year and I can tell you just being aound people that totally get what you're going through and being able to talk about it without that initial "You need to leave him" response is like a sigh of relief.

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

I completely agree. IT unfortunately has nothing to do with love.
I took an Alcoholics class a while back (it's a long story, when I was 13 I got a minor and I was suppose to take the class but no one told me, than when I went to renew my license last year, they were all "You have to take this class, we didn't notice because we didn't give you your license" I had gotten though a driving course, and just took the test to the DMV and they printed it up... ANYWAY, I was in a class when I shouldn't have been, but I did learn a LOT about Justin...).
I'm just tired, worn out, depressed, I feel like I'm at this point that I'm going to be leaving when I don't want to at all.... it breaks my heart, and it will continue to break my heart. I know that I cannot change him, and I don't want to. I love who he is... I just hate that other guy.
But he doesn't look at it like that, in fact if I say anything "I'm Nagging" or "Bitching" I actually can't talk about anything serious without being a bitch anymore... he'll just roll his eyes at me.
Shit... we got a dog, and I he wants to breed it, and I Tried explaining to him reasions why we shouldn't, or if his health test results come back bad, that it would be bad for the breed, and I just saw my worlds going in one ear and out the other.
Course that's off the topic.
One of the things about Justin is that he came from a hugely troubled past, family, childhood, you name it... anyways, he's been in and out of treatment, till he's met me. HE went to jail some and has quite a bit of drama just because of his alcoholism.
When he was in treatments, he didn't get a thing from them. HE didn't try, he just put a smile on and told them what they wanted to hear.
When I was PG with out son, he was in a treatment center for teens for 6 months and I talked with him and a councillor over the phone and I could have sworn that he was going to come back a changed person, but no.... no no no.... he was just "playing there game" ya know.
I'm not  trying to come up with any excuses for anything, I just am trying to give more info really. So much has gone on with him for the past 7 years, that I can't possibly remember it all... it just feels like when I look back on our lives together, it's all been BAD, like bad memories. And I know that's not true, otherwise I wouldn't still be here? Right?
I know there has been good times, but very few, and I can't recall them.

I think were just in an unhealthy relationship. Emotionally draining, and mentally abusive.
One thing that gets me though, is he doesn't seem as worried as I do.

Quoting jnick82:

I don't want to sound mean or bitchy but unfortunatlywith addicts the if you love me argument will never work. It would be like telling a cancer patient if you love me you won't have cancer anymore. It's not something they can control with out help. Most alcoholism steemsfrom a chemical imbalance like depression and the alcohol is just that persons way of medicating themselves

Quoting Eyes4music:

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

 

 

 

 

 

bama_mama07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 15, 2008 at 10:04 AM

ok sit him down when he is sober talk to him and tell him that his drinking bothers you. Tell him that he is a totally different person when he drinks. You need to get out and meet people and find you some friends, so if things progress to him doing things he regrets you will have somewhere to take the kids. I hope that things stay good for you.


Eyes4music
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 11:20 AM

Well she limited the responses by saying she didnt want to hear that she should leave him.  Which personally is what I would do,  well I guess I wouldnt have had a child with an alcoholic to begin with but what's done is done and I am not trying to be bitchy either so I was comming up with a solution that didnt involve her leaving him.  But since you so elequintly put it that the if you love me argument will never work then here is my advice.  LEAVE HIM!!!  He will not change, he will only progress further and you do not want your children to grow up with a father who is an alcoholic and is an ass everytime he is drunk. 

Quoting jnick82:

I don't want to sound mean or bitchy but unfortunatly with addicts the if you love me argument will never work. It would be like telling a cancer patient if you love me you won't have cancer anymore. It's not something they can control with out help. Most alcoholism steems from a chemical imbalance like depression and the alcohol is just that persons way of medicating themselves

Quoting Eyes4music:

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:


I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 





jnick82
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 11:38 AM

Ok so my trying to be non-confrontational apparently didn't work. I was telling her from experience and research that that argument gets you no where because they don't drink because hey don't love you. Unfortunatly in alot of cases you are right the person doesn't ever change but until you've walked a mile in the shoes of either of the people in the relationship you don't fully understand where the difficulty lies in leaving. I am so sorry I offended you with my response that was really no reason to attack OP with some of the comments you made

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well she limited the responses by saying she didnt want to hear that she should leave him.  Which personally is what I would do,  well I guess I wouldnt have had a child with an alcoholic to begin with but what's done is done and I am not trying to be bitchy either so I was comming up with a solution that didnt involve her leaving him.  But since you so elequintly put it that the if you love me argument will never work then here is my advice.  LEAVE HIM!!!  He will not change, he will only progress further and you do not want your children to grow up with a father who is an alcoholic and is an ass everytime he is drunk. 

Quoting jnick82:

I don't want to sound mean or bitchy but unfortunatly with addicts the if you love me argument will never work. It would be like telling a cancer patient if you love me you won't have cancer anymore. It's not something they can control with out help. Most alcoholism steems from a chemical imbalance like depression and the alcohol is just that persons way of medicating themselves

Quoting Eyes4music:

I am not sure what to say, the best advice I can give you is that if he is too scared to go seek a professionals help on his own, try marriage councling, or couples councling.  And you dont sound Bitchy, you sound scared and desperate.  I know that it can be costly to go to a counslor but if it can save your marriage then I think it would be worth it.  Sometimes you can find programs that will offer counsling at a discounted or even free rate due to income or whatever.  Explain that if he loves you then he needs to do this with you, if not for the sake of your twos relationship then for the sake of both of yours son.  Your son deserves to healthy (mentally and physically) parents who love eachother.  Explain that this is an issue for you and that you love the person he is when he is sober and you dont want to change that person but you do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking, They are two different people and he needs to see that.  If he is so sorry afterwards for how he acted when he is drunk then he must know that how he is acting is not ok and that he has hurt you. 

Quoting Jabrw0ke:

 

I do talk to him when he's sober. But he just sits there and hangs his head, and tells me he's sorry... and sorry doesn't work for me any more. I'm sorry I know that sounds bitchy, but it's the truth, I have heard it so many times, and it has been broken so many times, that it really is just nothing to me (well when it comes from him).
I talked to him last time and he has not drank since then, but I know it won't last. It NEVER dose, because he's an alcoholic. He can go maybe a month.... and than he will forget everything that happened before and it'll start all over again. I've been doing this for like the last 5 years (the first two I partied down with him, now I Hate to drink with him).
I suggested about a month ago that he seek help.... or something, and he freaked out. He said he doesn't want help, I shouldn't change who he is.... he pretty  much told me that he likes being an alcoholic.
It's really stressful, and I know this isn't really message board type shit.... but it's all I got, I don't have the money for a councilor or anything.... I just don't know.

I'm really scared for the future.
I know that if we were to break up, I probably would not see him again (because he would leave and drink his self away, I'm sure of). And that breaks my heart, I don't want him to die! I don't want my son to lose his father. If we broke up, this would break my sons heart.
Than again.... I'm 23 and I feel like I'm 40, and I'm scared that were gonna stay together till the kids get older, than break up, and than I'll be too old to start a new relationship (not that I want to start a new one right now, but I know that when I'm older it's gonna be a lot harder to meet people, seeing as how I have a hell of a time meeting them now.)

Quoting Eyes4music:

Well I dont know if this is an answer or not but if he is such a great guy when he is not drinking I would just try to talk to him while he is sober about how he acts when he is drunk and tell him it hurts your feelings and that you love him and know how good of a person he is and that you just want him to maybe talk to someone about why he feels the need to drink to the point in which it changes who he is as a person. 

 

 

 

 


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