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What should we do???

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:38 PM
  • 11 Replies

Here's the situation: I have issues with my MIL. She's controlling, rude, and unhappy. She's also not a very good parent. My 16 year old BIL is failing a couple of classes. One of which is drivers ed. BIL was held back in 1st grade because he wasn't socially ready to move on, so he's already a year behind where he should be. MIL refuses to help him with his work so that he can catch up. She's horribly impatient with him, and that just makes him feel worse. He learns differently from other kids (he's not slow or anything, he's just different), so it takes him a bit to catch on to things. DH was over there a couple weeks ago (maybe a month ago), and they spent 3 hours going over his drivers ed stuff, and got all of his work done. But he's still failing other classes. DH is really concerned that BIL won't graduate from high school, and so am I. He has no support from MIL in ANY way. She refuses to buy him clothes that he likes (he's kinda into the goth stuff), she's rude and demeaning to him.

We've really wanted BIL to come live with us for a while, but we don't know how to do it. He's going to be 17 in June, and I'm really concerned that if we wait until he's 18 to have him come live with us, it'll be too late. I don't want his family to hate me even more than they already do, but his mom doesn't have his best interests at heart. What should we do? He needs to graduate from high school, but that might not happen living at home. I know that he can be emancipated, but isn't there an easier way? We're getting ready to move, so we could find a place that has enough room for all of us. Please help us out!

by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mills502
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:40 PM

I have no clue, but here's a bump, and kudos to you for being such an awesome SIL!

cbeckham
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:42 PM

You should talk to him and see what he wants to do first and then you and your DH should sit down with your MIL and tell her what he wants if he wants to live with you. From the way it sounds she wouldn't really care anyways because she wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

rockinmomto2
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:49 PM

The problem is that she's irrational and controlling. She sees me as the enemy. She thinks that I took her son from her, and I know that if I'm involved in this, it's going to start World War 3. I really just want what's best for BIL, and she's only concerned with what she wants.

Quoting cbeckham:

You should talk to him and see what he wants to do first and then you and your DH should sit down with your MIL and tell her what he wants if he wants to live with you. From the way it sounds she wouldn't really care anyways because she wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.


lauriebash
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 1:56 PM

 It's WONDERFUL that you are so concerned. God Bless YOU! I am a parent of a 12 year old with some learning disabilities. It's not bad, just like how you describe your BIL, he learns differently than others. Knowing how much patience it takes to help my son, I would be the 1st one to say GO GET HIM NOW! But, you have your own family to consider, also. It is difficult to deal with a MIL like you said. Your BIL needs help and what your hubby has done with him for his drivers ed class is such a loving act! What a wonderful big brother!

Would your MIL give you a hard time about taking him in? Maybe she would be OK, I mean she wouldn't have to deal with it an more!

Is your BIL as great as your hubby? Would he help out? Would he appreciate what you would be doing for him? Would he truly TRY to get those grades up?

The reason that I ask the last questions, is because, in addition to the stated son above, we also have a 16 year old son! He won't try. 16 is a difficult age. The 16 yo's grades (and he has NO learning disabilities) are much lower than his brothers!

Your BIL needs help. He needs patience. He needs understanding. If you and your hubby are willing to provide this for him, I am so proud of you AND you should try to get him!

You are very lucky to be in such a caring relationship.

Refusing to let him be himself, such as the goth look, is damaging, to, imo. Our children have gone through so many phases, it's mind boggling! Their friends are all different, and I love them all. There are jocks, emo, goth, prep. Let them find who they are!

rockinmomto2
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 2:05 PM

What's really made me concerned is that when DH was helping BIL with his work, he thanked him over and over again. He said that he just doesn't understand things, and he needs the help, and his mom won't help him. He also adores our kids. I mean, he's one of the few people that our son will allow to hold him. He is such a good kid, and he's so much like his brother. It just rips my heart out to know that he lives with MIL on a daily basis. I know that 16 is a tough age, and I'm sure he'd have issues wherever he went, but I want him to feel the love and compassion that he should have, not the anger and resentment that MIL has. You see, I was raised VERY differently from my DH and BIL. My mom has ALWAYS supported me in everything that I wanted (and still want!) to do. They weren't raised with that. It's taken my DH 4 years to understand that I support him completely in whatever he wants to do, and it's given him the confidence to do what he wants! I don't want my BIL to have to go through the same thing. Also, DH was 7 when BIL was born, and with their dad pretty much out of the picture, DH had a big hand in raising BIL. I just want to help both of them be the people they want to be, and I want them to feel free in choosing what they want out of life, instead of being told what to do.

Quoting lauriebash:

 It's WONDERFUL that you are so concerned. God Bless YOU! I am a parent of a 12 year old with some learning disabilities. It's not bad, just like how you describe your BIL, he learns differently than others. Knowing how much patience it takes to help my son, I would be the 1st one to say GO GET HIM NOW! But, you have your own family to consider, also. It is difficult to deal with a MIL like you said. Your BIL needs help and what your hubby has done with him for his drivers ed class is such a loving act! What a wonderful big brother!

Would your MIL give you a hard time about taking him in? Maybe she would be OK, I mean she wouldn't have to deal with it an more!

Is your BIL as great as your hubby? Would he help out? Would he appreciate what you would be doing for him? Would he truly TRY to get those grades up?

The reason that I ask the last questions, is because, in addition to the stated son above, we also have a 16 year old son! He won't try. 16 is a difficult age. The 16 yo's grades (and he has NO learning disabilities) are much lower than his brothers!

Your BIL needs help. He needs patience. He needs understanding. If you and your hubby are willing to provide this for him, I am so proud of you AND you should try to get him!

You are very lucky to be in such a caring relationship.

Refusing to let him be himself, such as the goth look, is damaging, to, imo. Our children have gone through so many phases, it's mind boggling! Their friends are all different, and I love them all. There are jocks, emo, goth, prep. Let them find who they are!


lauriebash
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 5:50 PM

hugsIn that case, I wish you all the best in trying to get him out of his situation! Good luck to your family! 

collegemama67
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 2:17 AM

First you need to understand that what my profession is, I am an Education Specialist and I specialize in working with kids who want to get into college.  I have students in my private practice from 8th through graduate students working on their PhD's.  Seen lots of kids with learning disabilities (many that were undiagnosed until I saw them and reviewed their histories) and also kids dealing with depression issues. (My 19-year old daughter has both ADD Axis 1 and Clinical Depression brought on from getting salmonella blood poisoning at age 11 and almost dying)

First question - Where is his dad?

Second question - Has he been seen by a mental health counselor?

Third question - Does he have an IEP (Individual Education Plan) on file at his school?

Fourth question - Does your husband have enough " chutzpah " to go toe to toe with his mother about his younger brother?

Fifth question - If bio dad is out of the picture, is you MIL seeing someone?  Many times that man wants the kid out of the picture and will be HAPPY to help get the "snot nosed brat" out of what he considers his turf. (This is why tom cats kill any kittens a female cat has/had with another tom.  It is sad to say that humans are very similar creatures) 

Sixth question - Do you know if his school district has an "alternative school" that should he NOT graduate with his class will help him finalize and get his diploma anyway?

Seventh question - What does your BIL want for his life AFTER high school?

Trust me, his high school counselor/teachers haven't helped him either so someone needs to step in as his mentor and guide him and help him see the" big picture." If his mom is inept then decide if this is a hill you are willing to do battle over.

Once I see your answers I can give you further steps.

Take care,

Collegemama

 

 

 

BingsMommy
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 2:29 AM

       Well, you can't do anything about the MIL.  And you can only help your BIL if he's willing to help himself. High School is hard, and maybe he's not into it right now.

KaseyHickman
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 5:20 AM

 This is what I think. I think you two have alot of love and compassion that this young man needs. His mother isnt providing that for him. Why dont you sit down and talk to your bil and see if he would like to come live with you. Then have you husband talk to your mil. It sounds to me like she wouldnt care if he left anyways. But you never know. So people who be really mad even though they dont like their kids if some one tried to take them because it makes them look really bad. But I think what you two are doing is great you are giving you bil a chance to make it in this world and you shouldnt give up on that. Keep going!

rockinmomto2
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 8:28 AM


Quoting collegemama67:

First you need to understand that what my profession is, I am an Education Specialist and I specialize in working with kids who want to get into college.  I have students in my private practice from 8th through graduate students working on their PhD's.  Seen lots of kids with learning disabilities (many that were undiagnosed until I saw them and reviewed their histories) and also kids dealing with depression issues. (My 19-year old daughter has both ADD Axis 1 and Clinical Depression brought on from getting salmonella blood poisoning at age 11 and almost dying)

First question - Where is his dad? He's been out of the picture since my DH was 16, and BIL was 9. He was abusive, an alcoholic, and a drunk.

Second question - Has he been seen by a mental health counselor? He was going to see a therapist for a little while after he ran away in 2007, but I think that stopped after MIL refused to listen to the therapist.

Third question - Does he have an IEP (Individual Education Plan) on file at his school? I'm not entirely sure. I don't think so, though. I don't think he's been tested for anything.

Fourth question - Does your husband have enough " chutzpah " to go toe to toe with his mother about his younger brother? My DH helped to raise his little bro, so he feels more of a fatherly instict for him. He told me last night that if we go through with this, that he wants me to stay out of him dealing with his family. So yeah, I think he does. To him, it's not even about his mom or the rest of his family. It's about making sure his little brother succeeds.

Fifth question - If bio dad is out of the picture, is you MIL seeing someone?  Many times that man wants the kid out of the picture and will be HAPPY to help get the "snot nosed brat" out of what he considers his turf. (This is why tom cats kill any kittens a female cat has/had with another tom.  It is sad to say that humans are very similar creatures) No, MIL is not seeing anyone. The only man she saw since her divorce was married with children. Yeah, she's a real winner there.

Sixth question - Do you know if his school district has an "alternative school" that should he NOT graduate with his class will help him finalize and get his diploma anyway? You know, I have no idea. I would think so, but I'm not sure.

Seventh question - What does your BIL want for his life AFTER high school? He's not sure. He really looks up to DH, so he's wanted to work with him (DH owns a portion of a landscaping company). But I don't think he really has one singular goal in mind.

Trust me, his high school counselor/teachers haven't helped him either so someone needs to step in as his mentor and guide him and help him see the" big picture." If his mom is inept then decide if this is a hill you are willing to do battle over.

Once I see your answers I can give you further steps.

Take care,

Collegemama

The problem with my MIL is that she sees me as the enemy. She thinks that I stole her oldest away from her, and she's not going to let BIL go without a serious fight. What I've been thinking is that maybe we should try to get custody of him. He does what my DH did in order to escape his life (he listens to his ipod and draws). He hates living with her, and I don't blame him. She's not a nice person, she's not loving, kind, or supportive. She wants what she wants, and that's it. It doesn't matter to her what her children want. She thinks that she knows best, and she's not willing to see where she's wrong.





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