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Only A Man!!!

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 3:55 PM
  • 9 Replies
Only a man would do something so STUPID!

I know it's long but it's worth it cause it so funny!!!
                  *Just try reading this without laughing till you
                  cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!**
                  Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
                  guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
                  their anniversary submitted this:
                  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
                  Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our
                  15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
                  something extra for my wife Julie. *
                  What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
                  pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
                  were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
                  adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
                  adequate time to retreat to safety....??
                  WAY TOO COOL! *
                  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
                  home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
                  pushed the button. *
                  Nothing! I was disappointed. *
                  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
                  pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
                  I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
                  forth between the prongs.
                  * *
                  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
                  that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
                  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
                  to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
                  two triple-A batteries, right?*
                  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
                  intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
                  the directions and thinking that I really needed to
                  try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.*
                  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
                  fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
                  such a sweet cat. *
                  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
                  protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
                  assurance that it would work as advertised.* *
                  Am I wrong?*
                  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
                  with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
                  bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
                  in another.* *
                  The directions said that a one-second burst would
                  shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
                  was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
                  of bodily control; a three-second burst would
                  purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
                  like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
                  seconds would be wasting the batteries. *
                  All the while I'm looking at this little device
                  measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
                  circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
                  itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
                  'no possible way!'
                  What happened next is almost beyond description, but
                  I'll do my best...?
                  I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
                  head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
                  dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such
                  a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. *
                  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for
                  heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
                  pushed the button, and ..
                  .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!*
                  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
                  door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
                  us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. *
                  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
                  position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
                  both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
                  with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
                  position, and tingling in my legs?*
                  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
                  before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
                  fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
                  slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.*
                  Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
                  with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
                  thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
                  You will not let go of that thing until it is
                  dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
                  on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
                  SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
                  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
                  relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
                  (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
                  landscape. *
                  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
                  fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
                  feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
                  right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. *
                  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
                  and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
                  over the drooling. *
                  Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for
                  sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
                  smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my
                  hair. *
                  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
                  significant reward for their safe return!!*
                  P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
                  threatens me with it!
                  'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

"People don't have a pit bull problem, pit bulls have a people problem."

First they came for the Pit Bulls
and they banned them and killed them
their owners cried out in horror but I did not object
because I did not own pit bulls.

Then they came for the Rottweilers
and they banned them and muzzled them
their owners cried out in protest but I did not object
because I did not own Rottweilers.
Today they have come for my dogs
and they will ban them and take them from me
as I cry out in outrage and anger no one objects
because they do not own my dogs.

by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 3:55 PM
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Replies (1-9):
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 3:59 PM
ROFLMAO!!! I have to let my SO read this one!!! He would love it!!!
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 4:08 PM

that was great it went on my myspace lol. thanks!!

by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 4:14 PM
OH MY! that was great!!!
by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 4:19 PM
OMG that is the funniest thing ever. I really should invest in one of those for my DH, he would be so dumb. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 5:19 PM


by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 5:24 PM

rolling on floor

by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 5:35 PM

I can totally see my hubby and his brothers doing this to each other for fun....*note to self* don't ever bring one into my house.

pregnancy week by week
by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 5:48 PM

Quoting whiteprincess2k:

rolling on floor

by on Jan. 28, 2009 at 6:14 PM


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