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NEW TO THIS GROUP NEED ADVICE ASAP

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:27 AM
  • 13 Replies

I have a 10 year old step daughter. Well, it seems it don't make a f*** what I say. Example: Last weekend we have a red velvet cake, she wanted some so I told her ok. She ate 2 peices that day. Then that night she wanted more. I told her NO because she already had 2 peices that day. So she went and asked her  dad and he says ok. I said I just told her no because she already had 2 peices today. Well, she got it anyway. I am so frusterated. Things like this happen ALL THE TIME. Just like last night. Every time she gets mad at me she tells lies on me, and we fight. I hate this. I don't know what to do. Before I came in the picture, he's even said it, she had a lot of control over him. Come on she was 9 when I came in the picture and STILL SLEPT IN THE BED WITH DADDY. She got whatever she wanted, and still does to an extent. Please help me with this.

PPBHeffaJessica.png picture by jodell80HEFFA-3.png picture by jodell80

 

by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
3jaysmama
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:32 AM

I do not have any step children nor have I been one so I am not speaking from experience, but I would suggest that you work on the friend side and let her dad do the parent thing.  I've heard that it's difficult to parent older step children.  When she wants something (like the cake) have her ask her dad if possible.  If not possible maybe you and dad can sit down and come up with some basic rules that you can write down that way they are set in stone.  Make sure her father is the one who presents them to her.  Good luck!

canthaveboys1
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:37 AM

My suggestion is that he needs to not undermine what you say, because she will never listen to you if she knows she can run to her dad and he will let her do whatever. I think that is a huge problem. I have a 10 yo so I know what you are saying, You and the hubby need an understanding that you are going to have to agree on things before hand, otherwise she may start fights for nothing, just to see the chaos. My 10 yo does that. Its crazy, and when my and s/o argue she tries to stir the pot, no matter how many times she is told to zip it.  

SouthALMommy
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:40 AM

I suggest you and hubby come to an agreement on how to handle her. You cannot parent with her father doing/saying opposite of you. It needs to be agreements between the two of you and not one saying one thing and the other saying another.

I don't have step-children but there are some in my family and this is an issue that usually came up between them. Until they could agree on how to handle them/punish them/what to say to them, there was always conflict.

I am a stay at home, breast feeding, kisses and hugs giving, chubby baby loving, happily married, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, anti-CIO, vaxing, disposable diaper using, PCOS having, baby wearing, sale item buying, in college mommy who believes in and trusts THE TRINITY (Father, Son, Holy Spirit).

callykat20
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:41 AM

What needs to be done is that you and your hubby need to sit down and talk about this.  Especially if you plan on having more children.  Both parents need to support each other when it comes to the rules of the house.  It's an equal partnership, and needs to shown as such.  The 2 of you need to set ground rules and let princess know that when one says no, that means no.  If she comes to either, first question should be "did you ask your father/step-mother?" and if so then next question would be "what did he/she say?" 

She needs to learn to have respect for you, but she will only do that if your hubby gives you that respect and shows her that you have his respect.  If not, your relationship will suffer.

 

Good luck to you!

Michelle

kerijeanbean
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:45 AM

I agree with the first response.  You, like me, are the interloper.  We came and ruined everything.  I know that is not the case, but that is how some step children see it.  I tried to let my husband take charge of discipline unless someone was getting hurt and then I dealt with it. 

You really need to sit down with your husband and talk about how you want to deal with discipline.  Have one set of rules for the house.  Since your step daughter was already walking all over you husband it is going to be hard to change things, but it can be done.  If she comes and asks you for something and you tell her no, go to your husband and relay the conversation so she doesn't try to ask him for what she wants.  She will get the point, hopefully sooner rather than later, that she can't play the two of you against each other.  Good luck.  Being the step parent can be really hard.


Keri,

Wife to Bryan,


Mom to Christopher 3/27/2000, Blaine 12/15/2005, Elizabeth 2/9/2009

AM-BRAT
by Amber on Apr. 8, 2009 at 9:57 AM

I THINK THAT PARENTS UNDERMINING EACHOTHER IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE, EVEN WITH BIOLOGICAL KIDS. MY 2 YO SLEEPS WITH DADDY. I KNOW OF A MAN AND HIS DD THAT SLEPT TOGETHER UNTIL RECENTLY. SHE'S IN JR. HIGH. (NOTHING DIRTY, BUT MOMMY HAS BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, IT JUST WORKED FOR THEM)

THE THINGS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ARE NOT UNCOMMON. BUT, IF SHE WAS DADDY'S GIRL BEFORE YOU, AND EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AFTER YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE BAD GUY. I ALSO SEE THAT YOU'RE NURSING, THAT CAN MAKE KIDS FEEL LEFT OUT NO MATTER WHAT AGE OR IF THEY'RE YOUR OR NOT.

I'M NOT A STEP-MOM. I DON'T HAVE A FIRST HAND PERSPECTIVE. BUT, FROM THE OUTSIDE IT REALLY LOOKS TOUGH. YOU AND YOUR DH DO NEED TO DECIDE ON THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION SO THAT YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS THE HEAVY. YOU NEED TO AGREE IN FRONT OF HER, EVEN IF NOT ALWAYS WHEN YOU'RE ALONE. IF YOU COULD LET IT GO A LITTLE, AND HE COULD STEP IT UP A LITTLE, IT COULD HELP ALOT.

HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? YOU SAID SHE WAS 9 WHEN YOU GOT TOGETHER? AND YOU HAVE, WHAT 4 TICKERS? HAVE YOU HAD 4 KIDS SINCE THEN? OR ARE THOSE YOUR FROM BEFORE? SHE SEEMS PLENTY OLD ENOUGH TO BE REASONED WITH.

OH, AND I WAS A STEP KID. I HATED MY STEP DAD. I WAS AROUND 8 OR 9 AS WELL, WHEN MY PARENTS MET. GOD I WANTED HIM TO GO AWAY. BUT GUESS WHAT, I ALWAYS RESPECTED HIM, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO CONFUSION AS TO WHO WAS IN CONTROL. MY MOM ALWAYS AGREED WITH DAD, AND I WAS ALWAYS THE KID. AND I THINK THAT MAY BE A BIG PART OF THIS. SHE NEEDS TO STEP DOWN AS THE BOSS IN THIS SITCH, AND REALIZE THAT YOU TWO ARE THE PARENTS, REGARDLESS OF HOW THINGS WERE BEFORE.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker



Lilypie Breastfeeding Ticker
armymom05
by on Apr. 11, 2009 at 12:22 PM


Quoting AM-BRAT:

I THINK THAT PARENTS UNDERMINING EACHOTHER IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE, EVEN WITH BIOLOGICAL KIDS. MY 2 YO SLEEPS WITH DADDY. I KNOW OF A MAN AND HIS DD THAT SLEPT TOGETHER UNTIL RECENTLY. SHE'S IN JR. HIGH. (NOTHING DIRTY, BUT MOMMY HAS BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, IT JUST WORKED FOR THEM)

THE THINGS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ARE NOT UNCOMMON. BUT, IF SHE WAS DADDY'S GIRL BEFORE YOU, AND EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AFTER YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE BAD GUY. I ALSO SEE THAT YOU'RE NURSING, THAT CAN MAKE KIDS FEEL LEFT OUT NO MATTER WHAT AGE OR IF THEY'RE YOUR OR NOT.

I'M NOT A STEP-MOM. I DON'T HAVE A FIRST HAND PERSPECTIVE. BUT, FROM THE OUTSIDE IT REALLY LOOKS TOUGH. YOU AND YOUR DH DO NEED TO DECIDE ON THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION SO THAT YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS THE HEAVY. YOU NEED TO AGREE IN FRONT OF HER, EVEN IF NOT ALWAYS WHEN YOU'RE ALONE. IF YOU COULD LET IT GO A LITTLE, AND HE COULD STEP IT UP A LITTLE, IT COULD HELP ALOT.

HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? YOU SAID SHE WAS 9 WHEN YOU GOT TOGETHER? AND YOU HAVE, WHAT 4 TICKERS? HAVE YOU HAD 4 KIDS SINCE THEN? OR ARE THOSE YOUR FROM BEFORE? SHE SEEMS PLENTY OLD ENOUGH TO BE REASONED WITH.

OH, AND I WAS A STEP KID. I HATED MY STEP DAD. I WAS AROUND 8 OR 9 AS WELL, WHEN MY PARENTS MET. GOD I WANTED HIM TO GO AWAY. BUT GUESS WHAT, I ALWAYS RESPECTED HIM, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO CONFUSION AS TO WHO WAS IN CONTROL. MY MOM ALWAYS AGREED WITH DAD, AND I WAS ALWAYS THE KID. AND I THINK THAT MAY BE A BIG PART OF THIS. SHE NEEDS TO STEP DOWN AS THE BOSS IN THIS SITCH, AND REALIZE THAT YOU TWO ARE THE PARENTS, REGARDLESS OF HOW THINGS WERE BEFORE

She is 10 now almost 11. My children "tickers" are mine from a previous relationship. Her dad and I got together when my youngest was a few weeks old. She is plenty old enough to be reasoned with, you would think but there is no reasoning with her. She has had complete control over dad that she thinks she can still walk all over him. She tells him to shut up and that he's stupid all the time. She has no respect for dad, so no respect for me. We recently got married, and she tryed everything to stop it. IDKwhat to do. I am so frusterated at this.  She will follow him around when we are all at home. Even to the bathroom. He used to walk around naked in front of her and I put a stop to that. He would not say anything to her when she follows him to the bathroom, but I do. I THINK THATS WRONG. What do I do

PPBHeffaJessica.png picture by jodell80HEFFA-3.png picture by jodell80

 

armymom05
by on Apr. 11, 2009 at 12:23 PM

BUMP!!!!!!

PPBHeffaJessica.png picture by jodell80HEFFA-3.png picture by jodell80

 

samanthashake
by on Apr. 11, 2009 at 12:27 PM

You should deff talk to your husband about this. maybe ask him not to let her do something if you already told her no. And probably try to get closer to her that way she'll respect you more and listen to you.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker
SIS213
by on Apr. 11, 2009 at 12:39 PM

ttcIS TIME SHE AND HER DAD RELIZE THAT YALL ARE ALL A FAMILY AND SOME TIMES THINGS ARE GOING TO DIFFERNT THEN WHEN IT WAS JUST HER AND HER DAD,HE NEEDES TO HELP WITH THIS CHANG. GOOD LUCK. DONT LET HER ARE HIM GET THE BEST OF YOU.

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