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Marriage Problems...In Need Of Advice

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:05 PM
  • 14 Replies

So last night my husband of two years slept in a hotel. The night started off that he didn't want me to go out and spend time with a friend and so he said he wanted us to start having dinner together and he cooked dinner. I told him I would cx my dinner plans.I began watching Oprah and feeding my nine month old and the show was about Moms and how stressed we are. Well, for the most part my husband has been helpful lately. He has really tried to step it up because he sees that I am so stressed, I am an assistant principal for a school in an impoverished area and still struggling with doing the housework and taking care of Hannah. After dinner he decided to help me out and cut Hannah's nails. He actually filed them until they bled. I knew she normally didn't like her nails cut but this was a full blown cry so I went upstairs and I saw that she was bleeding and I said "What are you doing!?" She is bleeding. He said "Don't ever talk to me like that." I said, please stop. After he was done he cooled off and said that didn't appreciate me making him feel guilty for what he did...I didn't respond and he kicked the toy box across the room and yelled I am sick of this shit. Later in the night he apologized, I said I knew he was trying to help but that I would cut Hannah's nails from now on. We started to talk in bed and I was expressing to him how difficult motherhood has been that there are days where I don't pee for two hours trying to get her ready. I said I felt like I was always on and never got a break. He responded by saying, "are you saying I don't do anything?" I said no, this really has nothing to do with you, I know you work hard. He said I think you overreact and don't do as much as you think. I was hurt and he said....you really don't appreciate me at all. I do things around here too. He started screaming again, slammed the door and pictures fell off the wall. He then called a hotel and booked a room and left. I am lost? I praise him for everything he does, but isn't him cleaning and taking care of our child part of his job too? And why when I vent about how tired I am does he take it as a dig on him? This is my first marriage. I am so confused, but  It isn't okay that he is screaming, kicking things, punching things?

by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
humanjunglegym
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:10 PM

For me, I have a tendency to be disrespectful with the way I tell my husband things.  Like when he cut her fingernails too short.  I know he screwed up but I'm sure he felt pretty bad so you saying something (even if it wasn't meant to be disrespectful) could easily have set him off.  I need to learn to hold my tongue when my dh does things "the wrong way" with our son.  If he was already feeling sensitive about what happened earlier you venting could have easily been taken wrong too.  I don't think it's ok, at all, for him to be violent, even if it's not at you.  He needs to learn a healthy way of dealing with his anger.

fcangel9
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:10 PM

sounds like my DH.  he has put holes in the walls, thrown stuff and broke things... he is normally level headed, but when he gets mad there is no stopping him.  i think alot of it is they sometimes feel guilty about not doing it and not like the fact that someone points it out.  they know they need to step up and help.  my dh and i got into it last night as well and i ended up with a hole in the door.  all because he yelled about something not being where he thought it was and i yelled back.  men are stupid sometimes about the dumbest shit.

Fostersforbeer
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:12 PM

men punch shit for some reason..

idk...

mine does the same thing. it sucks

Quoting fcangel9:

sounds like my DH.  he has put holes in the walls, thrown stuff and broke things... he is normally level headed, but when he gets mad there is no stopping him.  i think alot of it is they sometimes feel guilty about not doing it and not like the fact that someone points it out.  they know they need to step up and help.  my dh and i got into it last night as well and i ended up with a hole in the door.  all because he yelled about something not being where he thought it was and i yelled back.  men are stupid sometimes about the dumbest shit.


LOVE-5.png Peace, Love, Happiness image by muh-aggie

Ssgtadkinswife
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:12 PM

IT'S SAD THAT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED THEY DON'T GIVE OUT A HANDBOOK ON DOS AND DON'TS!! BUT, HOLD IN THERE IT WILL GET BETTER!! WHEN HE GETS HOME SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE GREATFUL FOR EVERYTHING HE DOES AND THAT YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT THINGS SO THEY DON'T BUILD UP INSIDE SO YOU DON'T BLOW UP LATER. GOOD LUCK HUN!! KEEP US POSTED ON HOW YOUR DOING!! LOVE AND HUGS TOO YA!!!

2wndrfl_btrflys
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:16 PM

it is never okay for anyone to kick, scream, and throw things unless they are trying to act like a child. No offense. but he is a man, husband, and a father. he needs to learn to control his anger in a way that is healthy for him and his marriage. maybe you two should maybe see a marriage counselor or if you go to church sit down with your pastor and discuss it or even an objective friend. you need someone to talk to who can be objective to both sides and not judge. you both have to understand that not only is motherhood a difficult job but it is just as difficult for a father. Most women are built with the maternal instinct/ desire for children. many men are not and they need to adjust to being a father and the new lifestyle. i am not taking his side or anything but you both need to understand that it was a huge leap. one minute you were just husband and wife now you are parents who created a life together and the responsibility of that aspect has impacted your life dramatically. a man can go through the same emotional outbreaks a woman can. like men can have post partum depression too it can just affect them differently not saying yourhusband has that. you guys need to sit down and talk about your problems and get them out inthe open. tell each other how having hannah has changed your life/relationship.

you need to communicate and not yell scream or hit anything and most importantly respect each others feels do not judge and be supportive keep me posted

Vandyswife
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:16 PM

Damn i wish my DH would DO SOMETHING...


since our DD was born 4 weeks ago.. hes been "too tired" im soo sick of hearing that I could SCREAM.. IM TIRED TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I deal with a crying baby all day plus do your laundry, plus cook for you EVERYNIGHT, plus clean...

Im getting sick and tired of it...


I am sorry no advise.. but it fealt good for me to vent a bit thanks!!! :)

orange4agua72
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:28 PM

Well... you need to understand that his way of doing something may not be the way you do it, but he is trying and it will probably get done!!!!! He WAS trying to help by cutting her nails, and I bet he felt bad enough about it, why don't you try showing him how you do things for the baby. It sounds to me like he's trying to help, and I know you praise him for what he's done, but it's like if he doesn't do it your way, it's wrong!!! Men process things differently, and unless we tell them EXACTLY word for word what we want, they will take us as complaining to them. Men see things at face value and do not normally look much deeper than that, so unless you give him specific JOBS of things to do to help you out, he thinks he's helping a lot just by maybe doing a little!!!! I SURE DO understand that you are stressed about being a new mother, being a mother is the hardest job ever, but he feels the SAME way about being a father!!!! We all need to vent sometimes and he should try to be more understanding about that........ I think you just need to sit him down tonight and talk to him about what you NEED HIM to do, be specific, but don't attack him for not doing those things, that's when he will get defensive and angry!!! I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm attacking you, but my fiance and I went through similar situations very early in our relationship because of my 3 children and him saying he wanted to help, but I felt like he wasn't helping because he wasn't doing what I wanted him to how I wanted him to. We went through a LONG talk and he just needed to be told EXACTLY what I wanted and needed from him and if there was something he did differently as long as it got done I just needed to deal with it!!!!


For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:13-14

kwilliams79
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:38 PM

I think you are absolutely right. I think that I can be critical and want him to do it my way, but I have really tried to improve that. I was upset last night cause Hannah was bleeding. I know that I need to be more understanding and specific as to what I need help with. I have no problem with that, but is that kind of anger okay? Is it okay for him to stay in a hotel over night? How do I know he wasn't at a bar or something? I don' t know. I can understand wanting to be appreciated and understood, but I don't know how to deal with the anger and staying in a hotel??

sassyandy124
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:39 PM

      No marriage is perfect, and you are both fairly new at it. His reactions seem out of proportion to the comments, but 'tone' of voice means a lot as well, and we can't know "how" things were said. I DO know that men are generally action oriented. Some more than others. Generally they truly do NOT understand the need to 'vent' that women have. When they hear their s/o complaining or even just talking about how hard things are, they want to 'fix' it. When their efforts are not appreciated (because you may criticize even though you thank, or you don't take their suggestions) they feel frustrated. This is a two part problem. You need to explain to him, that sometimes you just want to talk about things and don't expect hime to have the answer. It's ok that he doesn't, you just want him to understand and sympathize. Seriously most men don't get this until it's explained in simple terms, many times. LOL He needs to grow up, and quit acting like a tantrum throwing, child. That doesn't help anyone.

   Those who can't get behind our troops should feel free to stand in front of them!!!!!

4LifeTupperware
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:00 PM
3 things

Get the movie Fireproof and watch it with him. He will like it it's about a firefighter so he will watch it, it's not a chick movie, but not all guy either so you will like it too. You can look up the trailers to the movie on youtube and things.

Get the love dare book they talk about in the movie, can be found online and even at walmart and things.

Get the couples kit for the movie and work on that too... after you have done the love dare book...

Now if he doesn't want to do the movie and the love dare book fine, YOU DO THEM!!!

TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK... I have been married for 15 years talking with a NICE TONE means the world!

Melanie, Wife for 15 years and a Mom, to 14 year old daughter, 10 year old son, 3 year old son, 14 month old son and two angel babies that would also be 14 months old "Only one life, will soon be passed, only what's done for Christ will last." 

 

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