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I feel like jumping off a bridge

Posted by on May. 24, 2009 at 8:51 AM
  • 16 Replies

Ok, so I love my family, I love my son, and i love my husband, but lately, i have been so overwhelmed, i just want to rip my hair out. I do EVERYTHING except for bring home the paycheck. I worry about the bills, i take care of our son, i go to school full time, i take care of my husband, and if it has anything to extended family, weekend plans, or anything else, i do it. He always tells me that he doesnt understand why i am so exhausted all the time because i, in his words, "get to stay home all day". I asked him oh really, what time do you get off work? He said 5pm, and i said well, you know what, i dont ever get off of work. My job is 24/7 and 365 days a year. I dont ever have a day off. I dont get to look forward to friday, every freaking day is like monday to me. To top it all off, ever since the baby was born, i have been the only one to wake up with him at night, that was my gift to my hubby, i told him, since he had to work, i would wake up with the baby on the week days if he would sometimes give me a break on the weekends. well, news flash, i dont even get a break on the weekends anymore. I dont get to buy myself a new kyak, or canoe, or new rifle, or anything. I have ONE pair of jeans, just one. i tell him all the time how guilty i feel when i buy myself things because i always think how it could have been something for the baby or for him. but he could seriously take me to the store and make me get something instead of bringing home one of his expensive toys. And then he gets all frustrated when i ask him to pay some attention to me. he doesnt take my feelings into consideration at all anymore. I feel so depressed, which is another thing, i have a history of depresion but i told my husband not to put me on his insurance because it was so expensive and i felt guilty that it would take so much of his check away, so he didnt. the only reason why i wanted insurance anyways is because i wantd to be able to see a psychologist or something from time to time when i am at my low points. well, i have ben at a low point for two weeks now. i feel like crying everyday, i have the lowest self esteem possible, i feel fat, ugly and worthless. my husband has his head in the clouds, or just doesnt care. Dont get me wrong, i love my son so much, i would do anything for him, and i love him too much to ever actually hurt myself, but that doesnt mean that im not depressed. i literally want to cry everyday,  feel like ripping my hair out. and in my quest for worlds greatest mom i still feel entitled to have a break every once in a while. but apparently, i dont deserve one.

by on May. 24, 2009 at 8:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
samgirl03
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:11 AM

I know what you mean girl... my husband didn't even stay in the hospital with me after our son was born not even for the night because he had PT first thing the next morning... they wouldn't give him leave because they were about to deploy... which he's deployed now and he didn't do ANYTHING when the baby was born because he "just wanted to relax because he was about to go sweat his balls off in Afghanistan" He didn't wake up ONCE to feed Cooper he sat around playing video games and chillin' the whole time while I took care of a newborn, did all his laundry that he needed done before he left made his food did the dishes cleaned the house that his buddies messed up while they were visiting WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL they TRASHED my house!

While I was pregnant I did not get to buy a single piece of maternity clothing... my mom mailed me a pair of pants and then I just wore my sweat pants and t-shirts the whole time. I haven't done ANYTHING for myself in I don't know how long... while I was pregnant I STILL got up every morning at 7 to make him breakfast when he got back from PT regardless of how little sleep I got the night before because I was a BALLOON (started showing when I was just 3 months!) and had RIDICULOUS heart burn like I couldn't even drink water 3 hours before bed! and I had a rash called PUPPP.

Now that he's gone he says he regrets not helping because now he feels selfish because he would do anything to hold his son. He says he realizes now how he just sat around lazy while I did EVERYTHING and girl I SURE hope that he means it when he says he IS going to change because this is the first time he's ever realized how he actually treated me. He even said he was being an asshole and my husband NEVER admitts things like that!

Have you tried to talk to him about it? I mean shit I even tried once to just clean up after myself and finally it drove me crazy his shit was everywhere so that tactic didn't work. I dunno I think its the distance that made him realize what a jerk he was being..



 


babybump87
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:16 AM

i tried sharing my feelings but he thinks i am just being emotional or something. he doesnt care, which hurts the most. i feel completely alone in the world, i just want someone to love me or to make me feel loved anyways, i try so hard and t never feels like enough

lilyrose73
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:17 AM

 I'm sorry you are going through this.  I would call your county and see if you qualify for any free mental heath services... I wish I could come and give you a big hug, and your husband a kick in the ass... If your husband isn't being supportive, do you have any family that can help you?  I hope you can find the help you need.

hugs

milmiracle
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:20 AM

Only thing I can say to this post is "Welcome to divorced world".  No evil last 100 years and no body will resist it.  Take a stand for yourself and do what u feel needs to get done, with or w/out your hubby.  U might snap and go psycho on one of you household family members. 

babybump87
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:20 AM

thank both of you so much for being supportive

babybump87
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:26 AM

i would never hurt anyone

2milesboys
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:37 AM


Quoting babybump87:

i would never hurt anyone

you may not hurt anyone else but you may hurt yourself. trust me thats just as bad as hurting someone else. take deep breaths and see if you can find someone other then DH to talk to. and give DH a swift kick in the ass

samgirl03
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:38 AM

if you ever need anyone to talk to just pm me at least I'll listen and won't judge! I think you need to decide whether he's worth the effort or not. Tell him how exhausted you are physically and emotionally. I'm sure there are support groups somewhere near you try to find one so you can talk to people with similiar issues and see if they have any good advice because its not something you should tolerate because the sooner you figure things out the better before it gets too much!

Good luck and seriously I check this thing like everyday so if you want someone to talk to or just to listen to what you have to say I'm here.

Quoting babybump87:

i tried sharing my feelings but he thinks i am just being emotional or something. he doesnt care, which hurts the most. i feel completely alone in the world, i just want someone to love me or to make me feel loved anyways, i try so hard and t never feels like enough




 


babybump87
by on May. 24, 2009 at 9:42 AM

thank you for being so sweet

ProudArmyWife85
by on May. 24, 2009 at 10:01 AM

THIS IS just an idea but do you have any friends or relatives close by that you could"escape" to on the weekends for a couple of hours...leave him with the baby and dont say when youll be back or something so he will have no choice to get up and take care of the baby? or maybe lock yourself in your room...i call it mommy time.... i lock myself in my room for about an hour every night after dinner so dh will have no choice but to pay attention to his son. unfortunaitly alot of woman go thru this and unless you put your foot down it probably wont change. i have a lil background of depression and anxiety so i know how it feels to not have it for a while and then start getting it back and its a horrable feeling!!! if you EVER need to talk i can try to help.....im always online so just come and find me =) i hope things get better for you!!! STAY STRONG!!!

hugs


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