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Need some Advice concerning In-laws

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 8:49 PM
  • 6 Replies

So I live on my husbands parents property in a different house than theirs.  They have been involved in helping to raise my son since the day we brought him home from the hospital, he is 2 now.  Anyway the problem is that whenever he goes up to their house and I want to leave he throws the biggest fits.  Screaming, Crying, Hitting, Kicking, Pinching, ect.  And he runs to them.  So they have always said "oh it's ok, we'll wait a little longer," well when I say I want to leave, I want to leave like right now.  My son always runs to his grandmother because she caves into everything and won't make him do anything.  I get very irritated and they can see that.  But they still don't enforce any kind of rules or follow ones that I've made for my son.  I can't stand it.  They have helped my husband and I out with somewhere to live, financial issues, ect, but I don't believe that gives thenm the right to take over parenting of my son. They always use that they are the grandparents and it's their job to spoil my child, well I believe that that is for grandparents that do not live with or extremely close to their grandchildren. I am at a loss for what to do.  I have tried voicing my opinion but that didn't get too far as I had a "tone of voice" that my mother-in-law didn't quite enjoy.  This has caused a rift in my relationship with them but like I said I really need some advice on what I should do or try.  Any advice would be very helpful.  Thank you.

by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 8:49 PM
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Replies (1-6):
nessy1980
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 8:53 PM

 If you dont stop them now itll get worse. My oldest is 8 and the same thing happened whats happening to you and now my parents act they are his parents. They spoil him and question everything I do with him. so what im doing is cutting them off until my parents learn Im the mother and they arent

momoftwo0720
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 8:54 PM

You can't say anything that ain't going to make them mad. My advice would be deal with it the best you can because you do stay in there house and they can make you leave. Atleast you have inlaws that help you out, mine don't even come see us and we only live 5 or 6 hours away and to them it is to far. Godd luck.

Miranda926
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 9:02 PM

 I do agree that grandparents should get to spoil their grandchildren, however that does not give them the right to undermine the parent.  That is your child...Period.  You are going to make them mad with whatever you say, but unless you put a stop to it now, it will continue to grow into an even bigger problem.  I had the same issue except it was my own mother doing it.  It came down to the biggest word match in all history, but I eventually won the battle. I even had to cut off all contact with my mom for a while for her to get the hint.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mother...but I deserved the right to raise my own child the way I wanted to.

Todaisies
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 9:13 PM

I agree that they are going to get mad no matter what since there is already tension.  But, you also need to stand up for yourself.  Maybe try to go at the situation as they are helping you if they would....  Try to stay calm and non-judgemental when you talk to them.  Come up with a routine when you want to leave, and tell them how they can help.  Find something that your son loves to play with at your house and play with it before you go to Granparents house than remind him his toy is waiting for him, so go give Grandma/Grandpa a big hug!  My daughter gives a hugand kiss than a round of hard high fives so it ends up being a game.  Good luck!

mommyto3062008
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 9:13 PM

We also live with my in-laws but thankfully we don't have that problem. However, we do have a problem with my parents because they don't get to see them very often but after they leave we have to get them back to walking, and not whining which is not easy. It is better now because I had to talk with my mom and I just explained to her that yes she can spoil them in certain things but in others she had to follow what we tell them. She understood and we didn't have a problem. I'm sure that whatever you say to your in-laws will make them mad. Is your husband behind you on this? That will be better if you talk to them together because they will respect their son more than you. Good luck to you!

sijmom
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 9:23 PM

Well I must say that you can not control what your in-laws do, you can only control what you do.   I would take some time to repair the relationship with mom-in-law.   I would also work the relationship to have time, away from the situation and child, to talk to her/them about my feelings and my attempts to parent my child.   Ask mom-in-law how she worked out these situations with her mother/mother-in-law.   Maybe that will remind her and help her to understand where you are coming from.     And in the end I agree with some of the others, limit the time the child has with the in-laws.   That will limit the influence they have.

I also would like to point out that developmentally your child is going through his own stuff.  He is supposed to have tantrums at this age,  They will pass in time.  He is learning to seperate from mom and you are seeing some of that when he is with grandparents (safe people).   He also needs transition time.   Have you tried the count down until time to go.   In 5 minutes we have to leave.   In 4 minutes... all the way to 1 and now it is time to go.  This allows him to understand he has to go.      If he throws a fit, you can pick him up and take him anyway.   He will fight back for a short while but will quickly learn that Mommy means what she says.   So will the in-laws

nerdy

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