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"How many ways can an innocent man unknowingly break a woman's heart? And how long can she survive it without leaving?"

Posted by on Jul. 19, 2009 at 12:06 AM
  • 6 Replies

 "How many ways can an innocent man unknowingly break a woman's heart? And how long can she survive it without leaving?"

 

Why is it that the little things matter so much to some of us, and not at all to others. A hug, a kiss, gently moving hair out of my eyes, noticing that I dressed up or that I'm wearing jewelry or make-up, or that I got the horrible stains out of his darn work uniform and the baby's clothes, that I take care of the kids, pets, house and him, manage the bills, and bring in over half the money and spend very little of it... Noticing something.  Noticing me...  Why is it that it hurts so much that yet again I'm home alone with two kids while he's out with his friends? I'm home alone with them all week.  I need some adult time too, at least on the weekends. I love my children and love being around them and watching them grow.  I was happy as a single mom with just my son. But I could take him out more. We went bowling and to the movies. I can't afford that now though. So why does it have to hurt so much when my husband innocently ignores me.  He doesn't realize he's hurting me. Telling him does no good. He tunes it out or falls back on some excuse his mother or step father gave him.  There are so many negatives and I don't understand why I stay.  Why anyone stays in this position. I fall back on love. But with love, wouldn't it be both ways?  Wouldn't he study my face once in a while or give me a knowing glance or be interested in me physically? It can't be love. Do I feel I deserve this for some nice guy I broke up with previously? Do I feel this is my pennance for some sin?

 Financially, I'd be better off without him. The kids would have a more stable environment.  He's not bad, he's just not there. His priorities are generally his friends and his toys (truck, Harley) while the kids and I sacrifice and do without.  I'm trying. God help me I'm trying, but I just don't know that he can be the man I thought he was, the man I need him to be for me and the kids.  I guess I'm just venting.  Everyone who knows us both tells me to leave, that he's not a bad man but he can't be a good husband or father...  There are times when he looks so interested in the kids, and it's hard to let go of that.  If we split up, I won't be with another man until my children are grown. At least I'll try not to. They don't need a torrent of "step dads" and strangers running in and out of their lives. 

I could go back to college and take the kids with me.  I have that in writing. Signed by both of us and notarized.  I can travel anywhere for any amount of time with them. That's also in writing and notarized. (He kept changing his mind, and forgetting what he told me and I just had to get something in writing so he couldn't try and say that my military trauma is causing me memory problems again. He blames it for too much already and it's crap. My memory is fine.)

I pray for him and our little family every night and day, and beg for God to show me the right way. To help me to understand if there is something I'm doing wrong and what it is.  I wake my husband with notes of good morning and I love you even though he wakes up around six hours after me even when we go to bed at the same time. I was bringing him breakfast in bed, starting a fresh pot of coffee, waking up with the kids and letting him rest,  and calling just to say I love you when he was out.  I tried the Love Dare, and I guess I need to stick with it... but it hurts so much to be rejected constantly by him.  He doesn't even know he does it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I have been through a lot of hurt in my life and I'm not nearly old enough for it to make sense. 26. 

My great grandmother, I called her Granny, used to always say "it's better to be alone than in bad company" and I've always agreed with that. I didn't need anyone.  Why is it different with him?  Even when I think about leaving, I never think of another man, or dating in general, I never have anger toward him just hurt.  And I still want to make it work even if we have to live seperate to do it.

I guess my question is, when do you know without a doubt that you've done everything you can to save a failing marriage/relationship and how do you end it in a civil manner when there are children involved?  How do you bring yourself to leave a man who your babies call Daddy and who you made a vow to spend the rest of your life with?

by on Jul. 19, 2009 at 12:06 AM
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Replies (1-6):
crickettz
by on Jul. 19, 2009 at 2:06 PM

. no reply?  

Cyndi310
by on Jul. 19, 2009 at 2:17 PM

You sound so sad......It sounds like you are tired and you have already made up your mind you just cant bring yourself to do it. I havent left my dh but I have thought about it and went so far as to pack his things. (he was then diagnosed as bipolar and we have worked it out) But I do get your being ignored-that hurts more than the fighting. From what you posted it sounds like you have tried everything you can. You know that when you leave your kids will be taken care of, and you can go back to school. If you need someone to listen i'm here-just pm me.  Good luck-because it will be hard to leave when you are finally ready to do it.

SailorMoonChld
by on Jul. 19, 2009 at 2:20 PM
I don't know what to tell you. It seems i would get tired of being treated that way after awhile as well. Being ignored most of the time for other things was what happened between my ex bf and I. That's part of the reason he is an ex. Live for you and your kids. They are important. Maybe try counseling with DH?

Lilypie
crickettz
by on Jul. 22, 2009 at 7:56 AM


Quoting SailorMoonChld:

I don't know what to tell you. It seems i would get tired of being treated that way after awhile as well. Being ignored most of the time for other things was what happened between my ex bf and I. That's part of the reason he is an ex. Live for you and your kids. They are important. Maybe try counseling with DH?


Yea, I couldn't get him to do the therapy. I've been seewing one on my own, and it helps me get through, but I think I do need to leave. It's just hard.

 

 

Se7enTh1rt3en
by on Jul. 22, 2009 at 8:02 AM

Maybe you should leave...if only for a little while.  Is there family close by that you could stay with for a bit?  Give him a taste of what life would be like without you and the kids - let him see what he's taking for granted.  If he still loves you, he'll come running back to you...if not, then you have your answer, and you're free to move on.  (I know, easier said than done...)

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Iluvjandkplus8
by on Jul. 22, 2009 at 9:09 AM
You only get one life. I always think children should be taken into consideration but you need to make sure you're happy. If you aren't happy, the kids won't be happy. From what you said, it sounds like it's time to make a change. I can tell from your post that you are very smart and pretty-don't let someone take that away from you. Your DH should make you feel like a better person, not less of one. I think the little things are greater than the big ones:) Good luck!
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