"How many ways can an innocent man unknowingly break a woman's heart? And how long can she survive it without leaving?"
Why is it that the little things matter so much to some of us, and not at all to others. A hug, a kiss, gently moving hair out of my eyes, noticing that I dressed up or that I'm wearing jewelry or make-up, or that I got the horrible stains out of his darn work uniform and the baby's clothes, that I take care of the kids, pets, house and him, manage the bills, and bring in over half the money and spend very little of it... Noticing something. Noticing me... Why is it that it hurts so much that yet again I'm home alone with two kids while he's out with his friends? I'm home alone with them all week. I need some adult time too, at least on the weekends. I love my children and love being around them and watching them grow. I was happy as a single mom with just my son. But I could take him out more. We went bowling and to the movies. I can't afford that now though. So why does it have to hurt so much when my husband innocently ignores me. He doesn't realize he's hurting me. Telling him does no good. He tunes it out or falls back on some excuse his mother or step father gave him. There are so many negatives and I don't understand why I stay. Why anyone stays in this position. I fall back on love. But with love, wouldn't it be both ways? Wouldn't he study my face once in a while or give me a knowing glance or be interested in me physically? It can't be love. Do I feel I deserve this for some nice guy I broke up with previously? Do I feel this is my pennance for some sin?
Financially, I'd be better off without him. The kids would have a more stable environment. He's not bad, he's just not there. His priorities are generally his friends and his toys (truck, Harley) while the kids and I sacrifice and do without. I'm trying. God help me I'm trying, but I just don't know that he can be the man I thought he was, the man I need him to be for me and the kids. I guess I'm just venting. Everyone who knows us both tells me to leave, that he's not a bad man but he can't be a good husband or father... There are times when he looks so interested in the kids, and it's hard to let go of that. If we split up, I won't be with another man until my children are grown. At least I'll try not to. They don't need a torrent of "step dads" and strangers running in and out of their lives.
I could go back to college and take the kids with me. I have that in writing. Signed by both of us and notarized. I can travel anywhere for any amount of time with them. That's also in writing and notarized. (He kept changing his mind, and forgetting what he told me and I just had to get something in writing so he couldn't try and say that my military trauma is causing me memory problems again. He blames it for too much already and it's crap. My memory is fine.)
I pray for him and our little family every night and day, and beg for God to show me the right way. To help me to understand if there is something I'm doing wrong and what it is. I wake my husband with notes of good morning and I love you even though he wakes up around six hours after me even when we go to bed at the same time. I was bringing him breakfast in bed, starting a fresh pot of coffee, waking up with the kids and letting him rest, and calling just to say I love you when he was out. I tried the Love Dare, and I guess I need to stick with it... but it hurts so much to be rejected constantly by him. He doesn't even know he does it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I have been through a lot of hurt in my life and I'm not nearly old enough for it to make sense. 26.
My great grandmother, I called her Granny, used to always say "it's better to be alone than in bad company" and I've always agreed with that. I didn't need anyone. Why is it different with him? Even when I think about leaving, I never think of another man, or dating in general, I never have anger toward him just hurt. And I still want to make it work even if we have to live seperate to do it.
I guess my question is, when do you know without a doubt that you've done everything you can to save a failing marriage/relationship and how do you end it in a civil manner when there are children involved? How do you bring yourself to leave a man who your babies call Daddy and who you made a vow to spend the rest of your life with?