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Indifference---A Child's behavior

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:03 AM
  • 13 Replies

Step Mom here:  Okay....I don't understand something.  My step kids....all 4 of them....spend 1/2 time with us and 1/2 time with Bio Mom.  Whenever we (My Husband and or I) see the kids in the presence of their Bio mom or her parents they virtually ignore us.  Whether it be in public or in a private setting they are indifferent to our existance.  They don't show any genuine affection.  Any actions of affection are reluctant and reserved.  My husband fand I feel very confused and hurt when this happens.  When they stay with us for our week they are loving, attentive and seem to have a good week.   I think there is a loyalty issue and do not feel comfortable to happy to see their Dad...but I might be delusional.  Anyone out there who has had the same scenario that can shed some understanding?  Please, please, please.

by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
VerucaSallt
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:07 AM

Is there any ill feelings bio mom still holds?  Perhaps there are and the children pick up on it so when the kids are with her and you & hubby they don't want to hurt their mom by showing you affection?


I am an "I don't summarize my parenting style in a paragraph because it's none of your business" mom of 3.




Magly
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:14 AM

good thought Veruca.  Bio Mom has always had the standpoint of NOT having any ill feelings....however...there has been incidences in the past that lead her to being the victim of many of lifes circumstances.  The kids make comments that make me believe they feel sorry for her.  Not sure what the gig is but there are many secrets that have been kept from Bio Father....the kids have kept the secrets and reinforced not to tell things.  It is all very unhealthy and I fear they are being manipulated a lot. 

VerucaSallt
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:19 AM

This kind of stuff really saddens me.  I don't talk to my father because how he tried to manipulate me and turn me against my mom.

She's gonna lay in the bed she's making one day. 

The kids love you and I wouldn't fault them for this :-)


I am an "I don't summarize my parenting style in a paragraph because it's none of your business" mom of 3.




Magly
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 8:46 AM

I really don't fault the kids.  I think we just need some survival skills to help us cope during the encounters.  It is amazing that rationally we know we shouldn't be affected but we are.   We unfortunately feel like we are "On Stage" when we are around this behavior.  And again....unfortunately we are not Oscar Winners.  Any advice is very much appreciated.  Thank you

truely914
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:01 AM

     I would like ask if there mother has s/o ?   If not,  then the children are just trying to give her the attention to make her happy like their father is.    It is a hard adjustment on children of divorce parents.  believe me I know.  Parents need to talk more to their children to understand their thinking and feelings about situations.   Just don't make them feel guilty or responsible for it.

   Love the step children it makes a big difference.

Magly
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:07 AM

yes she has a live-in S/O.   He is much younger and more like a big brother to the kids than a father figure.   We don't want the kids to feel our pain we just want to understand so we can help them keep a healthy balance and hopefully with understanding we can cope better with every encounter of indifference.  Thanks for your help and words of encouragement.

squidsmommy
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:33 AM

Sounds to me like they're uncomfortable having all of you in the same area and are reacting to such. It may not be a matter of what she has said/done to them, it may just be that they don't know how to act. I know from my growing up, it was awkward to have my parents around eachother after they got divorced and they got along great always, so it wasn't that either was saying anything negative at all. It was just my awkwardness and until I figured out how to deal with it, it was all on my shoulders. I don't know if it ever made my parents uncomfortable or not, they never let on. I'm sure they knew I was adjusting in my own way. Now, 22 years later, they can both be at an event for grandchildren and I'm not uncomfortable at all, but it does take time for children to adjust.

peepszaya
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:36 AM

 I'm coming from the other side of this...my boyfriend is always complaing that my kids do this to him whenever they are around my parents and him together(mainly my mom)...they will ignore him pretty much the whole time and be all over my mom. So I feel it is more a loyalty thing, me and my kids have lived with my parents since they were  born and they are now 7 and 9 and they feel as if my mom is going to be upset if they show him any attention while she is there.

truely914
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:45 AM

 Your hubby and you should sit down with them and have a casual talk about the situations and ask them how it makes them feel?  Ex. When we and your mother are in the same place... what do you think and how does that make you feel?   answer from them might be "I don't know".  Your husband can say.  It makes me feel good that we all can spend time together and get along.  Just keep open communication with them.

Magly
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 9:49 AM

All good discussion...Thank you very much.  We are a very complicated species.  It is really hard to know what is really going on in a child's head.  We will persevere and stay the course and be there when they need us and work hard on not being affected by their indifference.  They all need unconditional love.  Thank you all.

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