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If you knew someone in a violent relationship, how could you help them and their kids?

Posted by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:32 AM
  • 10 Replies

Hiyas,

I mostly read and then post an occasional reply... I really need some advice though. My significant other and I are really frustrated... He was frustrated with me because I was helping someone, he didn't understand the situation so he though I was being taken advantage of. Being a survivor of domestic violence, I've taken the cause to heart and will do what I can within reason. I will never jeopardize myself or my family for someone but I also will never just turn a blind eye and walk away. DV can and usually does kill. So once I was given the ok to talk about the situation, my sig other and I are on the same page and both very frustrated. So... I guess it leads me to my asking for advice. Please bear with me because I cannot give out any information. I'll just give the facts but nothing to identify.

The facts are:

It's a married couple. One person is horribly verbally violent with the other and it's now turning physical. Children are involved, however, the children live out of state so they're only visiting. The kids want to live with the parent but unfortunately as it was told to me, the environment is not safe.  I was also told by this person that the abuse has turned to threats of death. I told this person to contact the authorities and get the f*** out, pack the kids, and go! This person is terrified, however, they know (and I know) that leaving right now will only escalate things so the key right now is strategy. This weekend the kids go back and this person will be able to leave. I told them to ditch the cell phone, get one of those pay as you go cell phones and have a bag packed and any money saved ready and available. shut down any joint accounts once gone. What else can be done? What would you do if you found yourself in the position of advisor?

by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Loved4Sure
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:37 AM

I have taken my aunt from my biological uncle 2 times, my mother gother out once. She always went back within a month.

The people you are helping have to want help.

Help as much as you can., but don't let yourself become defeated if it fails.




            

n_ramirez
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:48 AM

If you really want to understand abuse.

You should read the book: "Why Does He Do That?"

 

I'm not going to sit here, type my life story & quote this entire book. But I will say this...the only way you can help your friend is by BEING there for her and keeping her OPEN to wanting to share her problems with you. Because a lot of the time, helpful family and friends become dangerous to a victims life...

You can't be biased. You must remain positive. And you can't plan an escape for her. It just doesn't happen that way. You can keep reminding her how much YOU love her and who she is. Because in an abusive relationship...the victim's identity dwindles away...their will to fight is no longer of use. Just remind her she's a good person, she's loved and that it's going to be okay.

IloveHayden08
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 11:55 AM

Good luck...When my mom almost left my dad it was because he almost killed her...I woke up to him holding her down with his hands over her nose and mouth. I tried to stop him (I was 10 years old), he finally got up and left so I called the cops and my moms friend she came over, the cops came but the cop stopped to talk to my dads sister and mother who were outside and they told him that my dad never does anything wrong. Anyway we left with my moms friend after packing up some stuff. We came back to get stuff when my dad was gone with my moms friends husband. They were never together again although he did continue to abuse her when he picked us up for visitation...after that we didnt see him much for 5 years and I still dont have a good relationship with my dad. Sorry for the rambling

Mamamanic
by Gold Member on Aug. 28, 2009 at 12:55 PM

She really has to do it herself. You could look up sheltures in the area for her to get back on her feet and offer a ride for her. I would meet her down the street or somewhere away from the house. You do not want someone like that to know you helped. I would let her plan things, otherwise he may be able to make her feel guilty and she might go back to him. There is also a domestic violence group on here that will help you look up information as well. They are pretty quick also. Can she have a bag sitting at your house before hand...that way she does not have to carry a bag out with her. The shelters will likely find her clothes. Does she get out on her own at all? A lot of times women isolate themselves. Maybe she can start an excersise walking routine and just disapear one day. Maybe start now with the kids and the week kids are gone, she can diasapper.

latinagrl3526
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 2:58 PM

The person has to want to leave and be ready to leave. It's up to them plain and simple. I think rather than the role of "advisor" your role is more that of "supportive confidant." She certainly DOES need to have a plan in place. Some things to consider might be:

1. Opening a new account elsewhere that money can be deposited into.

2. Having a plan for a place to go.

3. If there is a friend nearby, having a bag packed with one or 2 complete outfits in it, as well as copies of important docs so that if she is in a hurry and forgets anything, copies are accessible.

4. Better than ditch the cell phone... if she is leaving, I would just tell her to delete all contacts on the phone and just leave it at the house on. So that once he realizes that she is not there and tries to call the cell phone he will hear it ring and know that it's not in her possession. That in itself will stop him from calling for hours to a cell phone she doesn't have anyway and escalating his temper unnecessarily.

5. Re: joint accounts... I don't know if she can shut an account down without him present, though she would be able to withdraw funds from it to put into a new one and she may be able to have her name removed from the account. If she is going to withdraw funds, she needs to do that as soon as she leaves so that he doesn't leave the accounts empty and her without money.

6. Shut down all online accounts that he might have passwords to or change passwords.

As a supportive friend I would also remind her that once he realizes she has left and IF he finds a way to contact her, he will try every trick in the book to get her to come home and will make a million promises. She needs to value herself enough to give herself time to get used to being alone, and give him time to realize that if she is ever going to go back, he needs to take time to rehabilitate himself and his actions.

SpiritWish
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:20 PM

Very sound advice... It's frustrating... I went back to my ex 3 times before I finally left. It's very hard and the fear is just insane. It's one of the worst feelings of helplessness any human should ever have to endure...

Quoting Loved4Sure:

I have taken my aunt from my biological uncle 2 times, my mother gother out once. She always went back within a month.

The people you are helping have to want help.

Help as much as you can., but don't let yourself become defeated if it fails.


SpiritWish
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:23 PM

I might have that book actually... As a survivor myself, it's hard to not get lost in the emotions of it because sometimes, I can relate so much, it's almost like reliving my own nightmare but then at the same time, the decision for anyone to leave abuse is ultimately theirs.

Quoting n_ramirez:

If you really want to understand abuse.

You should read the book: "Why Does He Do That?"

 

I'm not going to sit here, type my life story & quote this entire book. But I will say this...the only way you can help your friend is by BEING there for her and keeping her OPEN to wanting to share her problems with you. Because a lot of the time, helpful family and friends become dangerous to a victims life...

You can't be biased. You must remain positive. And you can't plan an escape for her. It just doesn't happen that way. You can keep reminding her how much YOU love her and who she is. Because in an abusive relationship...the victim's identity dwindles away...their will to fight is no longer of use. Just remind her she's a good person, she's loved and that it's going to be okay.


SpiritWish
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:27 PM

It's actually why I've no ties at all to my ex. My son hasn't seen my ex (his bio dad) since he was a baby. My ex has shown no attempt at establishing a relationship (he's also got another sweet little one who he hasn't seen in years!  he tends to just disappear!) and my son wants only to know who he is, what he was like but has no desire to meet him or visit. My son is 13. I don't believe any child, no matter the age should be subjected to that kind of problem...

Quoting IloveHayden08:

Good luck...When my mom almost left my dad it was because he almost killed her...I woke up to him holding her down with his hands over her nose and mouth. I tried to stop him (I was 10 years old), he finally got up and left so I called the cops and my moms friend she came over, the cops came but the cop stopped to talk to my dads sister and mother who were outside and they told him that my dad never does anything wrong. Anyway we left with my moms friend after packing up some stuff. We came back to get stuff when my dad was gone with my moms friends husband. They were never together again although he did continue to abuse her when he picked us up for visitation...after that we didnt see him much for 5 years and I still dont have a good relationship with my dad. Sorry for the rambling


SpiritWish
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:30 PM

That's actually a great idea! I'll see if I can get an overnight bag prepared and stored here. Also... I'm still learning my way around Cafe Mom so is there a main URL to go to to search for a DV group? Thanks again!

Quoting Mamamanic:

She really has to do it herself. You could look up sheltures in the area for her to get back on her feet and offer a ride for her. I would meet her down the street or somewhere away from the house. You do not want someone like that to know you helped. I would let her plan things, otherwise he may be able to make her feel guilty and she might go back to him. There is also a domestic violence group on here that will help you look up information as well. They are pretty quick also. Can she have a bag sitting at your house before hand...that way she does not have to carry a bag out with her. The shelters will likely find her clothes. Does she get out on her own at all? A lot of times women isolate themselves. Maybe she can start an excersise walking routine and just disapear one day. Maybe start now with the kids and the week kids are gone, she can diasapper.


SpiritWish
by on Aug. 28, 2009 at 3:35 PM

These are great tips to pass on. Organized and I think that between the responses I've already seen so far and what I'm trying to find online, I think I have a pretty good list of ideas to offer in order for a plan of "escape" to be possible.

Quoting latinagrl3526:

The person has to want to leave and be ready to leave. It's up to them plain and simple. I think rather than the role of "advisor" your role is more that of "supportive confidant." She certainly DOES need to have a plan in place. Some things to consider might be:

1. Opening a new account elsewhere that money can be deposited into.

2. Having a plan for a place to go.

3. If there is a friend nearby, having a bag packed with one or 2 complete outfits in it, as well as copies of important docs so that if she is in a hurry and forgets anything, copies are accessible.

4. Better than ditch the cell phone... if she is leaving, I would just tell her to delete all contacts on the phone and just leave it at the house on. So that once he realizes that she is not there and tries to call the cell phone he will hear it ring and know that it's not in her possession. That in itself will stop him from calling for hours to a cell phone she doesn't have anyway and escalating his temper unnecessarily.

5. Re: joint accounts... I don't know if she can shut an account down without him present, though she would be able to withdraw funds from it to put into a new one and she may be able to have her name removed from the account. If she is going to withdraw funds, she needs to do that as soon as she leaves so that he doesn't leave the accounts empty and her without money.

6. Shut down all online accounts that he might have passwords to or change passwords.

As a supportive friend I would also remind her that once he realizes she has left and IF he finds a way to contact her, he will try every trick in the book to get her to come home and will make a million promises. She needs to value herself enough to give herself time to get used to being alone, and give him time to realize that if she is ever going to go back, he needs to take time to rehabilitate himself and his actions.


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