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Discipline for a 20 month old, nothing is working PIOG

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 12:55 PM
  • 8 Replies

So I have an almost 1 month old ds and a 20 month old dd. My dd has always been my angel, so good natured, I KNOW her routine and life has been put in a tailspin, but I am doing the best I can we cosleep with both and I EBF my ds, and dd is absolutely not listening to ANYTHING I tell her, if I say no she does it more, including kicking her brother etc. I have tried explaining to be gentle, showed her how to be gentle, showed her appropriate ways to touch (kissing, hugging, etc.) and even as a last resort a swat on the hand or leg (which I DETEST especially at her age). I am at my wits end nothing works. Any advice? No bashing please

by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 12:55 PM
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NoraDun
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:29 PM

Honestly I am not sure if they understand at that age to be gentle. My son was 3 when I had my second but I know between the ages of 1-3 he was really rough with animals. My Aunt raises puppies and we would have to coninuely tell Xavier to be gentle. We would show him how to be nice and he still would be really rough. I think they just don't understand how britle things smaller then them are. Only think I can tell you is really watch your 20 month old around the baby. Don't leave her alone with him at all because you don't want her to really hurt him!!!

I am a Jesus loving, breastfeeding, TTCing, cosleeping, mother of two boys:Xavier 4 , Malachi 9 mn, and married to my wonderful husband, Quentin for 4.5 years!!

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tyfry7496
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:39 PM

She is 20 months old, give her a break. She has been the only child for almost 2 years, she needs time to adjust to the new baby and situation. I don't agree with the spanking,  you are trying to teach her to be gentle to her baby brother yet you are not  being gentle with her. She is not understanding that it is NOT ok to hit the baby because mom is hitting her. You just have to have patience, keep telling  her to use gentle hands with the baby. Spend some time with just her, NO baby, just her. She needs time with you too. It could be as simple as reading a book with her while the baby is napping, going for a walk while daddy sits with the baby. She is probably jealous of the attention the baby is getting and needs some quality time with mommy. 

LilahandElliot
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:42 PM

WoW! I think our kids are the same age. DD was born December 26th, 07. DS was born August 1st, 09. DD does pretty good most of the time with being gentle. If she hits or kicks her brother intentionally then she gets spanked. She knows and understands what we are saying when we warn her and tell her that she's gonna get spanked. usually this is how it goes - she'll get told "no" and will normally listen...if she doesn't stop we remove her from the situation... if she goes back or throws a fit then she gets time out on her bed. If she comes out of her room we go put her back on her bed. She is only aloud out once she is done with her fit or once we come get her. She understands really well..if she starts throwing toys (she does this sometimes when she's in timeout) then we go and give her a spanking... she'll stop... and then once shes done crying she'll come out into the living room.

LilahandElliot
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:45 PM

I don't agree with this... especially when it comes to my 20 month old - My DD knows what "nice hands" are... and she knows that she is supposed to be gentle. We started with out DD learning "nice hands" when I found out I was pregnant. Whenever she would hit or be too rough with DH or I we would tell her "no, use nice hands - good girls use nice hands" and when telling her nice hands we would use the back of our hand and rub her arm or cheek lightly.

Quoting tyfry7496:

She is 20 months old, give her a break. She has been the only child for almost 2 years, she needs time to adjust to the new baby and situation. I don't agree with the spanking,  you are trying to teach her to be gentle to her baby brother yet you are not  being gentle with her. She is not understanding that it is NOT ok to hit the baby because mom is hitting her. You just have to have patience, keep telling  her to use gentle hands with the baby. Spend some time with just her, NO baby, just her. She needs time with you too. It could be as simple as reading a book with her while the baby is napping, going for a walk while daddy sits with the baby. She is probably jealous of the attention the baby is getting and needs some quality time with mommy. 


GailllAZ
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:50 PM

It's difficult for a toddler to adjust to a new baby. You probably haven't had role models for the kind of issues you are having so of course you don't know what to do!

She doesn't listen to no. Stop saying no. This is a great article about how to say no without saying no and getting your toddler to cooperate.  http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/say-no-without-saying-no

A common mistake parents make is calling the older child the "big sister" and the "helper." They may not want to be the big sister or the helper. They may not want the baby around at all. They may act like they do because that is what is expected of them. Then they don't know what to do with their real feelings. Behavior problems start and they can be rough with the baby. Let her know she doesn't have to be big. She doesn't have to be the helper, it is your job to take care of her and the baby.

A great book for parenting toddlers is Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary. It is light on theory and practical. You can find out more about her at her website. http://www.starparent.com/index.html

I hope this info is helpful.

 

WildKat
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:50 PM

At 20 months, about 95% of your battles should be about safety and safety alone.  I would say to keep them separate but I know that's not always possible.   Set one very simple rule (maybe don't touch the baby - let the baby touch you if you want) that she can understand and can be applied consistently.  When she gets near the baby remind her of the rule.  If she breaks the rule, she doesn't get to be near the baby for the rest of the day.  Since you know this is a problem, you need to pay extra close attention to her whereabouts so you can physically move her away from the baby if she breaks the rules or has lost the priveledge of being near baby.  Repeated violations can lead to harsher punishments, like a minute by herself in the playpen or a gated room away from the baby.  You don't have treat it like a full-flown timeout, but that is essentially what it is.  Make sure you explain why she's being put there if you go that route.  Like I said, at this age I'd start with just watching her closely (without the timeouts) and only progress if she say, charged at the baby or something. 

Good luck and peace,

Kat

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karischub
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:53 PM

Do you use timeout? My dd is 23 months and she definately understands the concept of "NO" and be gentle.

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