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when is enough, enough? *LONG*

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:59 PM
  • 3 Replies

My husband and I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who just turned 1 on september 2nd. He also has 2 kids (12, and 11) from a previous marriage who don't live with us (not currently at least). We have a nice home, live in our means, and enjoy the simple things in life with each other, our children and our 5 fur babies. So I'm afraid I've come to the age old question.... how do you know when you are done having children??

My husband doesn't feel like he would be able to support or be supportive (meaning attentive) to any more children. He doesn't want anything to be taken away from the kids. He says that he wants to be active in their lives and doesn't think he will be able to do that if we have more kids. He is 33 and is afraid that he will be too old to keep up with them. I'm 25 so I can understand his point, but not relate to it lol

I love our life. I love our family. I love the idea of having a huge family, but at the same time, I love the idea of keeping it the way it is. My daughter has 2 other children for siblings, but they are so far apart I'm afraid she will miss out on any true sibling bonding. But at the same time, (if we don't get custody of the kids) would it be so horrible for my daughter to grow up an only child (for lack of any other term)? I love the idea of being able to focus our efforts on her, but would she be better having a sibling? I read an article the other day that said something about how the need for bigger families just isn't here anymore, and that single children turn out just as well. I'm not an only child so I can't relate.

I know I don't want any more kids right now. My husband and I agree on that and take measures to ensure that. But who's to say I won't want more in the future? I finally went back to school, so assuming I can make it through 4 years, my hubby would be 37 before we thought about having more kids. His thoughts are also that if we support them through college then he will be pushing 60 when they leave. He wants to get "fixed" and I haven't read enough on it to be supportive on it. I've heard that it can be reversed, but I need to do a little more research.

HELP! What would you do? I know I'm not making any decisions right now, but it would be nice to have some sort of plan in mind so I don't worry so much about it, and my hubby is supportive of me and would be willing to have more kids if I really wanted to. He is just afraid he won't be able to be as attentive, and nervous about his parenting skills by the time they all get older. Anyone here an only child or raising an only child? Any regrets? How old were you and your SO when you had kids? How old are you willing to be when you stop having kids? How did you know when you were done? Any advice would be great :)

by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 1:59 PM
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by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 2:12 PM

I wasn't an only child, but I was the only girl after my two brothers who are both much older than I am, and are close to eachtoher in age.  So in a way, I always felt like the "odd one out" in our family.  (still do, in fact)

Because of this, I always said that if I had kids I wanted to have at least four, so everyone could have both a brother and a sister.  HA!  Then I had one and realized how much is involved in parenting.  I did have my second child (my son) almost two years after my first (DD) so they would be close in age, and at that point, I felt I was mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed with it all.  I was 35 when I had DS, and being that tired at 35 with two kids, I couldn't imagine being say, 38 with 3 or 40 with 4. 

Then I got pregnant.  Yeah.... that was a bit of a surprise to us, but my kids are now 7 5 and 3 and I just turned 40 and I am glad I had that 3rd child (she's a sweetie) but I know I am done now.  At times, I wish my son had a brother, but I just finished 7 solid years of changing diapers and life is finally getting easier not harder and you know... I just don't want to go back and start over again.  I always said I wouldn't have kids past 40.  For now, I'm not ready to make anything permanent, so I have an IUD in.  I don't expect to have any more children, though. I also noticed each pregnancy getting harder for me (sickness wise, and PPD wise) and that's another deterrent for me.

I also feel that there are things we want to do with the older kids that are more difficult with a baby - like a ski vacation or boating vacation or camping and hiking and ice skating and bike touring and...  all sorts of adventures.  We reached the point where we felt that another baby would inhibit our enjoyment of the older kids and shortchange them somewhat... 

As for you - it sounds like you don't have to worry about making anything permanent for awhile.   From my perspective, you are both still young and could keep up with another child, but your husband may feel differently, and may change his mind when your current baby gets older.  It sounds like you both respect eachother's feelings so I would just say to keep the options open and keep the dialog going.  I think in time, the two of you will reach an agreement one way or the other. 

Good luck and peace,


by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 2:19 PM

 I am a mother of 2 little ones my son is almost 3 and my daughter is almost 14 months. We are done having kids. My s/o got "fixed" in July. I knew after having two healthy,happy children 1boy and 1girl I was done and so was he. Yes a vasectomy can be reversed but there are no guarantees. We decided after I got pregnant with our 2nd and found out she was a girl that we were done. I am 22 and he is 23, own our own home and Im a stay at home mom. We know that with the two we have we can finacially, mentally and emotionally gieve the children everything they need and want.  The vasectomy was very easy for him. He said it was the best thing he ever did. He had no problems.

by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 9:22 PM


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