Explain to me why you let your huband run over you!!!

WOW not one of you ladies?  I am trying to understand because reading some of these things the last couple of days I want to reach thru the screen and first shake you then hug you.  I guess if you don't admit it you can keep telling yourselves its OK.  God I hope I raise my daughter not to take it.  I know I raised my grown sons not to treat women like that.

First, I think your post comes off kind of rude; and second, who wants to hash out those issues on the internet...seriously. I think you just want to nose around in their business and make them look bad!

I am firmly against letting a man have that kind of power BUT for most of the women on this post they have other post that have lead to this it didnt just happen over night. Many of these women are trying to save their marriages i dont believe in alot of things but i do believe in that letting a man hit you and cheat over and over is one thing but when you have a simple problem you dont just get up and walk out. So i understand your question but i'm with the other mom when i speak that it came off very rude. I think as a women we deserve to be treated a certian way i dont believe in letting a man mentally or physically abuse a women My husband is very old fashioned in that matter also. I think your asking this question to women who are having a problem in their  marriage when NONE of us know that full story so how can you say with just one post that was posted that they let their selves be stupid girls? to comment on that post is one thing but to say you knwo there whole life story through it is another? you took a vow you dont just get up and leave because her husband snuck solids into a baby bottle. so yes i understand what your saying but i think your coming off COMPLETLEY TO strong in asking that.

LOL not at all I feel so sorry for them.  And I didn't just pull subject out of blue I am responding to what these ladies put out there first.  Are you one of them and embarrassed?  No need to be I just wonder why so many here?  Is it a younger woman thing?  I am truly curious and sad about how a woman, a mother could feel so little for herself.  I thought maybe those of us who are stronger could help.   that is what support is about honey.  If you have information I need or I have information you need then we share.  if i am having a problem and you have suggestions or vice versa.

I guess I don't understand you being so upset by honest questions.  Guess you missed the part about shake them then hug them huh?

That could very well be another part of this problem.  Women not just being open and honest and automatically assuming nasty things about someone who is.

Wow I never used the word stupid not once.  also I only mentioned divorce after he not getting a clue as to being partners.  This was nOT in reference to 1 post but numerous one the last few dyays.  while I appreciated your thoughts and thank you for responding could you guys ACTUALLY READ the whole post before going off on something that was said??

 Ok this post is kind of attacking others (just my opinion). As someone who was in an abusive relationship and was able to leave after nearly a year and a half of living in hell, thoughts like this make me sick. Women who are in abusive/controlling/manipulative relationships have enough to go through without total strangers judging them. Every persons story is different and they may be wondering why you are 45 with an 11month old, so be careful what you say and how much you judge. I'm not judging you I think it's great that you have a little one especially a girl after 3 boys!

This could be their only outlet to tell their story. I tried to tell people anyway I could what I was going through, but just couldn't find the words or the chance to say it. I even slipped and showed a neighbor my bruises. Do you think they helped me? NO!

I got out while I could and luckily we had no children together. Some don't ever get the chance to leave or when they try to leave it escalates into more and more violence until someone winds up dead-the mother or the child. I'd rather have my child be alive and with me than dead or me dead and the child stuck with an abusive or controlling father.

This is a touchy subject, trust me I live with it every day and I get judged when people find out I was in an abusive relationship. I get asked the same questions you are asking and there are no answers. I wish I could give every woman going through something like that the strenghth to stand up and fight, but you never know, fighting back may only make it worse.

Please don't judge women going through this- instead be an ear they can talk to when they need it, or give advice when they need it and don't question them.

I didn't judge anyone.  I truley wonder what could happen to make a woman think she has no other option but to take it. 

BTW I don't get the big secret of being 45 and having an 11 month old???  You lost me on that.  ROFL  See this is what I meant if you have a question why don't you just ASK?

i understand that you never said divorce but how else would you handle your husband in a abusive relashionship? you gonna go out and pick flowers come home kiss make up and bake cookies? uh NO .... Dont put into incline that i didnt read your post and all of it for that matter All i said was i found it kind of rude. Now the girl the car seat is one thing.... but the reason divorce came up is like i said if you read ALL OF MY REPLY.... They are trying to the last point to save their marriage it has nothing to do with letting them get taken advantage of it has everything to do wtih putting forth their best effort so they can feel comftorable enough to say they tried and its not so easy to just get and leave in an abusive relashionship,He's been going at it with her for a while saying stuff NO ONE deserves and yes i understand completey what your asking because I do ask myself how someone thinks they deserve this kind of behavior but i'v seen close  hand an abusive relashionship...... CLOSE hand and believe me I'm a HUGE bitch and i let NO one run over me but when it comes to that and you have kids you always think of your kids first and my mom always thought of us and always thought that no matter what happen to her as long as she lived through it we needed both parents. So yes i understand what your saying but saving a marriage and trying to make your kids understand when their that young is harder than just packing and walking away.

 I was also in an abusive relationship many years ago and attitudes like your is what makes it nearly impossible for abused woman to get out.  Abuse causes enough shame and helplessness without people judging.  You arent trying to understand, you are attacking other woman.  In fact, instead of encouraging woman to leave an abuser, your attitude and other people like you make woman feel like there is no way out because they will be judged and hurt just as bad out in world.  Abuser wear down a woman so that they believe that they are already worthless, and people like you just reinforce that with your judgements.  If you want to help, volunteer with you local abuse shelter and see what these woman actually go through before you jump to conclusions.

    One of the most frustrating things for people outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn't just leave. A letter to Dear Abby on the subject was signed "Tired of Voluntary Victims."

    The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from case to case. Some of these include:

• Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children?
• Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.
• Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
• Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
• Fear of emotional damage to the children.
• Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.
• Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.
• Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.
• Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
• Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
• Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
• Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
• Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
• "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
• Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.
• Ties to her home and belongings.
• Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
• Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
• Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)
• Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

• Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.
• Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."
• Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
• Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
• Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).
• Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
• Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.
• Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
• Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
• Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."
• Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
• Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
• Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
• False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
• Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
• Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
• Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
• Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
• Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."
• Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
• Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

• Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all."
• Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
• Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."
• Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
• Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
• Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.
• Belief that marriage is forever.
• Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
• Religious and cultural beliefs.