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Need some advice about adoption

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:21 PM
  • 14 Replies

When I was in middle and high school, I was best friends with this wonderful girl. We were really close, and a lot alike. We got along, and did everything together.  When we graduated, we lost contact a little and grew apart, like people do. We talked on the phone occasionally for a year, but we haven't seen each other since I got married, and we haven't talked in almost a year.  It hurt, but the little I'd talked to her let me know that she had changed, and not for the better.  Then, out of the blue, she called me last night.  She said she was in town and wanted to come over. I said sure. When she came over, the first thing I noticed was that she is pregnant.  She told me she is in 12 days.  I congratulated her, the usual.  We chatted for about nothing important for about half an hour, and then she says, "Holly, I need your help."  I said sure.  And then she told me that she wants me to adopt her baby.  I was floored. I  had no idea to react.  She seemed happy about the pregnancy, and had given me no indication that something was wrong.  After I found my voice, I asked her why. She said she didn't want the baby, but had been talked out of an abortion by her mother.  She said she would either give me the baby, or drop it off at the hospital when she delivered.  She also told me that she is struggling with drugs and alcohol addictions. She has scars on her wrists from cutting.  After she stopped pretending to be fine, it was obvious that she was nothing like the girl I used to know.  She left at 2 in the morning, we talked that long.I told her my husband and I would discuss adopting the baby.

I haven't brought it up yet with my husband. I have no idea what to do.  I'm devestated that my best friend has turned into this damaged, broken woman.  I'm glad that she is aware of her problems, but still. I don't know how she turned from a happy, good girl to a druggie and drunk. 

About the baby.  I have no idea what to do. I have kids, and I'm pregnant. But can I turn her down? I'm not sure what she will do if I don't give her an out.  She didn't seem happy about leaving her baby at the hospital. She wants a good home, but she refuses to try to make on herself. Maybe she will change her mind when the baby is born, but maybe not.  Since she is doing drugs, there is a good chance that the baby will have problems. She is black, already a strike against the baby.  Really thinking about having another baby, even though I'm pregnant, makes me happy.  We can afford another child, and if I should need it, extra help.  We have the room.  I will of course talk to my husband first. I'm not sure what he will say.

Have any of you adopted a child? Do you know what that entails?  My friend isn't going through an agency, but she already knows a lawyer that will help her.  So what does adopting a baby entail?  Do you think I'm crazy for wanting to adopt a baby?

Thanks.  And please, I can't think of any reason for bashing, but I'm sure someone will, so please, no bashing. Thank you

by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
citymomch
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:25 PM

No one?

lauratupper
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:29 PM

if you want to adopt her baby i would talk with her lawyer and yours about it...i haven't adopted and don't know much about it...but no you are no crazy for wanting to adopt.

citymomch
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:30 PM


Quoting lauratupper:

if you want to adopt her baby i would talk with her lawyer and yours about it...i haven't adopted and don't know much about it...but no you are no crazy for wanting to adopt.

Thank you. I needed to hear that I think. :)

citymomch
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:33 PM

BUMP!

Momof3Ts061011
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:35 PM
I think you have a huge heart for considering this- but more importantly you need to discuss this life changing event with your husband. Make sure rules & boundaries are set with the birth mom if you decide to go thru with it & make sure documents are signed by the birth mom to agree to all terms & conditions of the adoption. Good Luck!
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Khis_Ma
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:36 PM
I think what you doing is great, and after all these yrs she came to u, ii think it says a lot about who you are, if you can afford it, and dnt mind idk what the problem would be, but you should go with her to the hosp for ur mental heatlh, and see if the baby will be born wiith any problems and fnd out before hand.... But wish u the best... And I think your a great person
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Flaca43
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:36 PM
I agree.


Quoting Momof3Ts061011:

I think you have a huge heart for considering this- but more importantly you need to discuss this life changing event with your husband. Make sure rules & boundaries are set with the birth mom if you decide to go thru with it & make sure documents are signed by the birth mom to agree to all terms & conditions of the adoption. Good Luck!

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maria1613
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:36 PM

I was adopted as a baby, however I'm not sure what the adoption included, I'm thinking you'd be paying her hospital bills for when the baby is born, and possibly and agency fee if she goes through an agency. Then I think also she'll have todecide if she wants and open or closed adoption. Good luck to you with your pregnancy and to your decision on adopting or not. And I know you said no bashing but I jsut need to say this as non bashy as possible, I don't think the fact that she's black is any strik against the baby, it's how the baby is raised that makes the child a "good kid" or a "bad kid". Thats all. Best of luck to you

citymomch
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:39 PM


Quoting maria1613:

I was adopted as a baby, however I'm not sure what the adoption included, I'm thinking you'd be paying her hospital bills for when the baby is born, and possibly and agency fee if she goes through an agency. Then I think also she'll have todecide if she wants and open or closed adoption. Good luck to you with your pregnancy and to your decision on adopting or not. And I know you said no bashing but I jsut need to say this as non bashy as possible, I don't think the fact that she's black is any strik against the baby, it's how the baby is raised that makes the child a "good kid" or a "bad kid". Thats all. Best of luck to you

I know being black doesn't mean the child will be good or bad. I meant that it will be harder for the baby to be adopted, especially in our area.

expectantmom81
by Erin on Apr. 13, 2011 at 1:43 PM

I know that there are classes that you would need to take and she still has the option to decided later down the road that she wants the baby back (I am not sure for how long just that she can do that). I don't think you are crazy for wanting to if you have the money and space to take on another child. I just know that it is a lot of work and you definitely need a lawyer. There are also different types of addoption that you would have to think about. I have never adopted so I don't know the whole process but my hubby's aunt and uncle adopted a few years ago and I saw a lot of what they went through. You might have to get your own lawyer. I don't know if you can use the same lawyer as her. I would maybe call a local adoption agency to get an idea on what you would need to do. GL with what every you decide.

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