The Unspoken Truth of Antenatal Depression

My experiences with antenatal depression come back to me in little snips and flashes. I remember how cold and rough the wall felt on my cheek as I used it to hold myself up because I was crying too hard to make it any farther. I remember what a relief it was to cry in the shower, where I didn't have to worry about tissues or maintaining composure in front of my six year old. I remember walking from one room into another and being so overcome by my own emotions I simply piled into a sobbing heap on the floor, which is where my husband found me later that day.

With my first pregnancy so many warning signs of antenatal depression were disregarded as side effects of my already difficult pregnancy. It wasn't until I was too far gone and hospitalized for my depressive state that people around me began to realize that this wasn't just pregnancy that was making me so exhaustively emotional.

Antenatal depression afflicts 10-20% of pregnant women, my guess is that number is probably much higher but women do not seek the help they may need either out of fear or shame. When I was pregnant the first time, well meaning people would ask "Are you so excited!?" Honestly I wasn't. I felt so disconnected from this supposed human in my stomach that I was having a hard time seeing past anything but tomorrow. But I learned quite quickly that when someone asks you a lighthearted question about how excited you are? You go along with it, because if you tell them the truth? You'll find out quite quickly that not being excited about your baby doesn't go over too well in most circles.

Some of the most common symptoms of pregnancy mirror those of depression eerily well. Especially the exhaustion.

Oh, the exhaustion.

With my second pregnancy I stayed much more in tune with my emotions, I was better able to separate what was pregnancy and what was depression. When I noticed a dramatic shift downward around 5 months I stayed away from situations where I would be asked about excitement and anticipation. I kept those closest to me even closer, trusting them to care for me and my unborn baby. Knowing that they would see us through to the other side.

Depression is a horrible thing to experience, especially while pregnant. It leaves you feeling empty yet overwhelmed with guilt that you are somehow damaging your baby. In my case I never felt attached to my baby in the first place which only compounded my guilt. I had no appetite but I had an entire life relying wholly on me to take care of myself. With both pregnancies I made the decision to go on medication towards the end of the second trimester.

With my second pregnancy I took a much more active role in my treatment. My doctors were made well aware of my depressive history, especially while pregnant, so when the time came that I needed help a plan was already in place. It still took several long weeks to dig out from the pit of antenatal depression, and truthfully there was a lot of fear that I would fight through it only to be thrown head first into postpartum again. I ended up switching medications after several weeks and noticed a dramatic improvement. The final weeks of my pregnancy were spent in actual joyous anticipation of meeting my daughter. A concept completely foreign to me.

When she was born the bond I was never able to experience the first time around overwhelmed me, the bond was not only instant with my new baby, but it grew even stronger with my older daughter as well. While I may have been mentally absent for her first seven months of life she got six years of my undivided attention. Everything I went through we went through together as a team, and now we had this new little life to revel in together.

Both of my girls have been trapped in my body at its worst. During times I was sure I was falling apart from the inside out. I made it out alive, we made it out alive. I have been blessed through these difficulties with the ability to talk about them. To bring attention to antenatal depression and to let others who may be experiencing it know that they are not alone and that it can and will end well if you want it to.

I've said before that my older daughter is my heart and my little baby is my soul. Both kept me alive when I wanted so desperately to give up and now that they are here I am stronger having these living breathing manifestations of my strength as a constant reminder to never, ever give up.

What about you? Is antenatal depression something you or someone close to you struggled with? What did you find helped the most?