Photography as a Reminder of the Good and the Bad.

I had a sneaking suspicion that I would have a hard time finding photos of Addie at three months old to compare to Vivi. It's not because we didn't have a camera, because we did. It's not because anything happened to the pictures. They are all loaded onto a computer, backed up onto two external hard drives and copied on two different CDs, one of which is in a locked firesafe box.

The reason we don't have many photos from March of 2005 is because I was gone.

Only now as Vivi gets older do I realize just how absent I was for Addies first seven months of life. After a rough pregnancy and then being thrown headfirst into postpartum depression, I was not the best mom I could have been. I was a mom barely surviving from day to day. I don't remember this phase of Addie's life. I remember little parts here and there because there are photos, the first toy she played with, her first time meeting her great aunt. But the day to day stuff?

I don't remember any of it.

Addie was well cared for and loved, I know this. She has grown into a remarkable first grader with the smarts of fourth grader, the logic of an attorney and with confidence and creativity to spare. There are times I feel awful that she had to experience me at my worst during PPD, but she doesn't remember it.

When the guilt sets in that this new baby is getting the properly medicated mom that Addie never had I remember that Addie has had over six years of my undivided attention, something Vivi will never have.

I've noticed before that during dark periods of my life the thing that is first to go is my photography. I have such emotional reactions to photos. I can be taken immediately back to a place or memory with a single photograph, which is why I don't take photos during dark times, I simply don't want to remember them.

The good news is that my life is currently filled with photos. All of them reflecting this new life with this new baby and our new family of four. Addie loves her little sister more than anything she's ever known and I am good.

I am so, so good.

How does photography play a role in the memories of your children?