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Is It Ever OK to Say Terrible Things About Your Baby?

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:31 PM
  • 9 Replies
Posted by Amy Keyishian
on August 16, 2011 at 3:25 PM

Let me just say it’s great to blow off steam. We can’t always be appropriate, and among good friends, it is incredibly refreshing to be able to say “holy freaking crap, my child is driving me around the bend.”
 
This is quite the trend lately, what with the popularity of Go the F to Sleep, Moms Who Drink and Swear, and Mommy Wants Vodka. We’ve given ourselves permission to be imperfect, and that is great. Hell, I’ve been known to refer to my baby as an asshole when she was colicky and I was teetering on the edge of sanity.
 
I just wonder if sometimes we overdo it.
 
Here’s the sitch: A friend of mine forwarded me an email that was sent to a public email list -- the one for parents in my neighborhood. The title was “Parenting a 6-year-old douchebag.” Maybe it’s because my babies are still babies, but ... to me, that crossed a line.

I should stress that I do have history with this mom. She is actually one of the moderators of the list, which means she was one of a very small group who scolded me when I made a joke on the list that bedazzled maternity clothes could cause gay babies. I was told that this was “hate speech” and kicked off the list.
 
This same woman complained that her kindergartener was “a major douchebag” and went on to call her “a whiny, manipulative, mercurial, tantrum-prone little s**t.” Several friends of mine forwarded me the email and asked, “Didn’t she kick you off the list for hate speech?” They also forwarded me the responses, most of which said things like, “Oh, you are soooo funny!” “I just spit my tea!” and even “I know just what you mean!”
 
Now, my older child has tantrums that are somewhat unbelievable. She’s kicked me in the boob, and some days there’s nothing I can say that doesn’t result in shrieks of protest. The little one has her moments, too. But the one thing I try very hard not to do is take any of it seriously or personally.
 
My stepkids can annoy me, too, and I have on occasion referred to them in not-so-flattering terms. And? I would die if they heard me do that. Because they didn’t ask to have a stepmom, they didn’t ask for their parents to divorce, and they certainly didn’t ask for the hormonal changes that sometimes kick them into high-stress mode.
 
Of course, that’s the salient point here, right? This mom isn’t saying, “You are a douchebag” to her daughter, she is thinking, “Shut up you douchebag” when her kid acts out. Well, sure, who doesn’t have moments of doing that.
 
I just wonder if it’s wise to announce that to the world. Not that the daughter’s going to go back and read the email 20 years from now and judge her exasperated mother. More that -- the more you indulge that kind of sentiment, the more it’s going to come through in how you relate to that person. If you think “I hate you,” your face is going to show “I hate you,” even if your lips are somehow saying “I love you.” I mean, duh, right?
 
On the other hand, there’s Louis CK, the standup comic who now has a half-hour comedy show on FX. This show is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and he’s one of the few comics who have actually made myself pee laughing. And he has called his kids (NSFW) terrible things! And it's funny!
 
Here’s the difference: (a) He doesn’t say those things anymore, actually. He thought better of it after he divorced his kids’ mom and got into a better mental state. (b) He’s a professional comedian, not a desperate housewife trying to be funny. (c) He tells other stories that show he's kind of awesome. (d) He never kicked me off an email list.
 
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too fussy. Moms, help me out: When is it okay to blow off steam and call your kid a little sh*t -- and when do you realize you need to dial it back, button your lip, and realize that the douchebag doesn’t fall far from the tree?
 
Have you ever called your kid a nasty name? Did you regret it, or was it all in good fun?





by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:31 PM
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Replies (1-9):
19babygirl90
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:54 PM
I have thought some not so great names bout my kids! Ive said it to myself aloud and then realized I would feel like a totall piece of crud if they heard me! So I would say its fine to be frustrated, but the more you think your kid is a lil sh*t, the more it seems they are actin like a lil sh*t! Lol! I get frustrated tons (3 kids here) and sometimes I have no idea where my sanity ran off to! But I also have to remember that the more I look at things negatively the more things turn out that way and the more I react that way as well! And likewise with positive! So, even in my roughest I really try my hardest not to react that way towards any of our children!
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i.heart.myboys
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:59 PM
Oh my god. For me maybe this is just me and I am not trying to start something when you say these mean things to their children it definitely is emotional abuse in my mind. With these day and age where bullying is at a high why should we bully our kids at home and possibly for them to go to school and get bullied as well!??? The most I say is BRAT. I would never called my son a little shi* or something like that or a douche bag it's so wrong. I try to keep positive and give them cute lovey names
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nebartlett10
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:08 PM

I agree that e-mail did go to far, its one thing to complain to a friend or two but it crosses the line to write it out and send it to others. I have said to my friends that my 8 month old son is a pain in the ass or that he is being an ass today. But I don't mean anything by it so now I mostly just say he's being a butt or a pain because he's a total momma's boy and although when its convienent for me I love it. I constantly remind myself that he's a baby and he just loves me soo much that he looks past my imperfections and anxiety and rudeness to melt my heart. I'm not even old enough to have patience since I just graduated high school last year and am now 20yrs old. I have to constantly correct my behavior because I get those urges to hit him and shake him but I am too afraid to do it that I just take a breath and remembers that he NEEDS me to be his mom, to let him know what he's feeling and how to help. I love my lil pain in the *ss cause no one else knows him like I do and he's only a pain cause he loves me lots :Dboy kissing mom

Tannaris
by Bronze Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:31 PM
Might tell my kids they are driving me up a wall but, have never called or used deragatory names. Just not right IMO.
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Des10ed2b
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:39 PM


Quoting i.heart.myboys:

Oh my god. For me maybe this is just me and I am not trying to start something when you say these mean things to their children it definitely is emotional abuse in my mind. With these day and age where bullying is at a high why should we bully our kids at home and possibly for them to go to school and get bullied as well!??? The most I say is BRAT. I would never called my son a little shi* or something like that or a douche bag it's so wrong. I try to keep positive and give them cute lovey names

brat is the worst that i do too. but its generally more like, "why are you acting like a brat?" in response to a current behavior, not that THEY are a brat.

oh trust, there are many times i have THOUGHT to myself, "ugh! you are being a whiney little ass today!" but i try to keep my tongue straight as i can around my kids. I remember my parents slipping and saying things to me in frustration and those things cut deep and hold in a memory!

my son is especially hard to handle. he is not a "bad" kid, he just needs a LOT of attention and has a LOT of energy. I often joke that i am going to donate him to the maury show for a day to all the teenage girls who want to have babies. he would be a good decade worth of birth control for them!

however, something like "douche-bag" would break my heart to hear a child repeat at any time. I know my son threw a fit in walmart recently because i wouldnt buy him a nerf gun (i know. i am so mean for making him wait since his birthday is in a few weeks) and he followed me through the store sobbing, giant tears rolling down his cheeks, yelling, "i want nerf gun! i shut up you get me gun! i shut up! i want nerf gun!" and just hearing him say something like, "shut up" broke my heart (especially since the context i usually use it is toward the DOGS). i felt like an awful mom.

i am a proud MOTHER of one very ornery 2 year old little boy and one very goofy 5 year old little girl! married for 4 years, together for 6 1/2! I'm a fun loving, eco-friendly, creative, different strokes work for different folks, stay at home, work at home, loving my lifeMOMMY!

http://www.PerfectWorkForMoms.com

mommyof2grls06
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:44 PM


Quoting Tannaris:

Might tell my kids they are driving me up a wall but, have never called or used deragatory names. Just not right IMO.
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abra
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:59 PM
wow! I would never say something like that about my kids. Especially not to other people. I think the worst name I've ever called them in monkey butt and that is partially true because their butts are sadly flat like their parents. :)
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tamidawn
by Baroness on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:01 PM

 Its definately not ok to do that to your kids. 

stacy2607
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:02 PM
Never ok to do that to your kids!!!
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