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a monster has my heart (long vent w/ some bad language)

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:11 AM
  • 24 Replies

As dh and I approach our 3 year anniversary, I am feeling more sad than anything. Our marriage has continuously spiraled down hill since the birth of our dd who will be 2 on the 21st. He has become a totally different person. One who I did not know of when we we got married. I am struggling to stay a strong, supportive and loving wife but it gets more difficult as the days go on and I am constantly feeling doubts of my self worth. It seems as if almost everyday he has something to complain about and he can somehow make me the root of it all when it had absolutely nothing to do with me in the first place. He talks as if he is ashamed of me because I dont work or go to school (even though he knows I want to). I am a SAHM. I treat him like a king and I am very appreciative of what he does for me to be able to stay home. I never complain about anything (except about him complaining about everything!). He has everything done for him. I never ask him for anything unless I really need the help. I dont do it because I feel pressured or pushed to do it. I want to do it for him. This is my job as a good wife, and I dont mind doing what I do. I dont want to put any extra stress on him with all the stress he has from other things. We are of different cultures and so our traditional ways are a little different but nothing that cant be understood and respected. I feel as if I am inferior to him. I feel as if he thinks that his ways are the only ways that should be understood. I do not feel as if we are equal. He is very disrespectful to me and our daughter when we do have our arguments. He will curse, hit & kick things when he is coming after me as our daughter witnesses this. I ask him to please stop in front of her. I dont react. I just let him get it all out because I dont want my daughter to experience me fighting with her dad. A horrible thing happened in front of her when she was 3 months old. I had severe PPD and was pretty much numb to the world. I was just out of it all the time. One night, my motherly instincts kicked in. Our dd wouldn't stop crying and my husband had her. He lifted her up and started to shake her. With my heart pumping so hard and my pulse racing, I raised my hand to slap him across his head. I said "What the fuck are you doing?!?" He pulled the baby close to him and grabbed my hand before it hit him. He put dd on the floor and came after me. He didnt hit me as I struggled to get away from him but he did forcefully push me straight down on the floor right beside the baby where I could have killed her from my fall. I grabbed her off the floor and stood up. I remember I was yelling something at him and he came after us again and I protected dd with in my arms and hid in the corner. I was waiting for the punch, but he didn't do it. Often when these things happen, I take my dd and go away behind closed doors. Unfortunately, my husband seems to think he has to follow us and scream some more. Lately I have been taking dd and locking ourselves in the bathroom. If I ask again to please stop in front of her he will say "No, I dont give a fuck! This is my house, I say what I want!" When I suggest maybe that he should go stay with some friends for a week or so he will say "Hell no! You leave! I'm not going anywhere because this is my house and I pay the bills!" I have told him before that what he said is very low and how can he kick his 2 year old out of her own bed?!? I give up. It has gotten to the point to where I dont want to see him or speak to him. I cant even turn to my husband for emotional support because he will somehow make the issue all my fault and make me feel worse. He is filled with so much negative energy that it consumes him. He doesnt listen to anything I say (and I really mean this), I have to repeat things SEVERAL times and it really frustrates me. He makes up stuff in his own head and doesnt realize it, so its like he is making false accusations towards me. He also cant remember things that he had previously told me. There is no one that he will listen to except his mother and she is in France. The good thing is though, that his sister (from France) has been visiting us for the past 3 weeks and has witnessed one of our worst arguments this past weekend. I really love him and that's why I am still here, but I dont want to live like this the rest of my life. I'm not happy in my marriage. I'm tired of crying. It didnt used to be like this, only the past 3 years. I'm lost and dont know what to do. this monster has my heart...

                  

                

by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lauratupper
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:15 AM

(((hugs)))

Perhaps he has ppd...i forget what the name is called for men, but it's basically the same thing as women get, only men tend to be more violent and aggressive. which is horribly scary! i hope things either get better or you find the strength to leave ( i know it sounds bad, but sometimes the only way to stop something is to leave it). pm me if you ever need to talk or anything!





abra
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:17 AM
((hugs)) I am so sorry.
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carsonsmommytam
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:18 AM
Im sorry mama :( I know you love him, but hes hostile. Your lil girl does not need to be around that. Neither do you!
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ms.sophsmom
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:22 AM
Oh lady.... get out. I'm scared for you and dd. DH is controlling n abusive- it will escalate when u least expect it. I'm glad u c all the issues bt ur love won't change him. U can make tht ultimate stand by getting u n dd out and keeping the two of u safe. No job? So what. No degree? So what. Tht stuff will come.... best of luck to you
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PrissyKrissy05
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:24 AM
ITA

Quoting ms.sophsmom:

Oh lady.... get out. I'm scared for you and dd. DH is controlling n abusive- it will escalate when u least expect it. I'm glad u c all the issues bt ur love won't change him. U can make tht ultimate stand by getting u n dd out and keeping the two of u safe. No job? So what. No degree? So what. Tht stuff will come.... best of luck to you
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lfrrll5
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:27 AM
I think its time you leave but its my opinion.I hope you find what is best for both you and your dd
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PEEK05
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:28 AM


Quoting abra:

((hugs)) I am so sorry.



sarapunkinpie88
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:35 AM
:( I hope you can get out soon. I know that divorce is not anyone's first option but you married someone different. You did not marry a monster.
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angela.bouchard
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 1:54 AM

i'm so sorry :( i know everyone is telling you to get out but in the end it's your ultimate decision and no one can change your mind if you don't want to. good luck with whatever you decide to do.

MrsApple
by Platinum Member on Aug. 19, 2011 at 2:42 AM

I'm so sorry alandou :(

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