On Guilt and Survival in Motherhood.

I’m certainly no doctor or therapist, but I am a mom who has been to multiple doctors and therapists. Not to mention I’ve managed to raise one seemingly functioning child into her school years and this other one I have lying around? Well, she seems just fine as well. It seems as though when we take on the responsibility of caring for little humans we also take on a boat load of guilt. Most of it completely unnecessary. Today I’m going to share with you a bit of wisdom from another mom who has watched me struggle and some of my own truths, mistakes I made and “rules” I didn’t follow to prove that things have ended up just fine (so far. *fingers crossed*)

The following words are from an email sent to me by a dear friend. Here’s my first confession, I have been struggling with anxiety for the past few weeks. It’s not horrible by any means but it is sitting there staring at me like a hungry lion, to say I’m not afraid of what may happen next would be a lie. I’ve changed a few of the words around to apply to as many of you as possible, but they don’t lose an ounce of meaning by doing so.

1-  You are stronger than anything broken inside you.  I know this to be true with every fiber of my being.  You don't see how strong you are, but I can see your strength shining in you.

2-  You have done absolutely nothing to deserve depression.  You haven't taken anything for granted, you haven't offended God, you haven't been a bad person.  You just have it for no reason anyone understands.

3-  Eventually everything will wind up being okay.  You are strong enough to get help.  You are brave enough to push forward, even when it feels like you are merely standing in place.  

4-  You are not alone.  I know when everything is at its worst you feel alone.  But you aren't.  You have people who will catch you if you fall.  You have loving people who will gladly circle about you and hold you.  If things start to collapse around you, there are people ready to help put the pieces together again.

5-  Your depression will not permanently scar your children.  I know you worry about this.  But you need to remember that every single parent who brings a child into this world is a broken human being with great faults.  Right now you are looking at other mothers and comparing their shiny outsides with your dark inside.  Just remember, we are all broken, just maybe where you can't see it.
 Additionally, you are demonstrating to your beautiful daughters that it is okay to not be perfect.  Women have a hard time with this concept.  We all want to run the perfect home, be the perfect parent and perfect wife, doing a perfect job.  You are proving to your babies that this is a myth and furthermore that it is okay to be less than perfect.  You are also demonstrating that recognizing our imperfections does not mean we just succumb to our weaknesses, it means we press forward, relying on Faith to pick up the slack.

6-  You are loved.

Babies and children are born with faith filled hearts and nothing but love. They are incapable of hate, spite or even revenge unless they learn it from someone else. You baby will not resent you if you cannot be “on” all the time. I know one of the things I felt most guilty for during my six year old’s babyhood was that I didn’t talk to her the way parenting “experts” told me to. My brain was so loud and busy thinking horrible things I couldn’t bring myself to add more noise by narrating our way through a diaper change or feeding. I’m pleased to report that Addie is a well adjusted six year old who talks allthetime and is absolutely sure that I hung the moon and placed the stars.

This other baby of mine, I’ll admit, getting up in the morning is hard sometimes. But going into her room and seeing her smiling face and thumping feet? Makes it all worth it. Maybe babies and children are eternally optimistic and happy so we don’t have to be, or better yet, so that we can remember how to be.

And lastly? The guilt of staying in your pajamas all day? Here’s my advice. Buy cute pajamas (or comfy clothes, black is your friend.) Wear them, shower, put more on, wash the other ones, repeat. I’ve lived on this theory throughout pregnancy and now four months of newborn baby and no one has ever said a thing and I’ve been delightfully comfy.

Do you have any survival tactics for motherhood?