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Anyone else deal with these feelings?

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:58 AM
  • 7 Replies
1 mom liked this

The father of my child works 12-14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week so that he can provide for us. For this, I am grateful beyond words, and at times, it keeps me from speaking my mind about other matters between us.

Though he is working hard, he was not alone. It is not as if I was at home alone sitting around before our daughter was born, as I instead was the one working overtime all the way up until my 39th week of pregnancy. The only reason I am home now is for recovery and to take care of our newborn until I go back to work.

Now, after he comes home, normally he eats whatever I have cooked or something bought for dinner, watches a movie and then leaves for a meeting. That is not the problem, the problem for me is, is that after the meetings have ended, generally he stays out for hours until it is long past time for us to be in bed. So I spend all of my day and almost all of my evening alone with the baby.

There are occasions when he cuddles her, but only for an hour usually. I feel as though he loves her but does not make an outward effort to spend time with us or learn how to care for her when he could be home. He even only feeds her a couple/few times a week, once during the days that he does. Every other feeding, the diaper changes, the baths, the laundry, all my responsibilities.

Not to mention, she tends to ''play'' or rile herself up all night long next to me. So I don't sleep throughout the night at all, not more than maybe an hour or two of interrupted naps in 10-15 minte spurts.

During the day, between attempting to tidy and my hardships with falling asleep during the light hours in general, it's rare that I can fall asleep for a nap...but he sleeps through the night entirely without waking up once (though he is clearly exhausted from his physically demanding and long houred job.)

Is it wrong for me to feel a tad resentful? Believe me, I try not to, I quite honestly rarely say anything for fear of an arguement, as it doesn't take much to set off two completely exhausted human beings.

He has told me that if things keep going as well as they are then I would not have to return to work immediately. But I feel as though I am practically raising this child alone, as the most help I get is from my mother on the weekend, who holds her long enough for me to scrub the counters, floors, pay bills, etc.

I am at the point now where he just stays out without a word. I do not have the freedom to leave whenever I want, especially when breastfeeding, as I do not wish to use bottles to feed her myself. It takes an abundance of effort and planning just to go to the grocery store, and she is usually roused and unhappy before we make it home.

To spend time with friends that I once had is almost a heartbreaking thought. At this point, she eats and wants to be held so much that it wouldn't be enjoyable for most of my young and childrenless friends to be around me regardless. I feel very stuck in my own home, almost like a cave.

So I guess the summary of all this jibberish it wrong for me to feel like I could use more help at home? To feel like we deserve more of his time and effort, even though he works so much?

CafeMom Tickers
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:58 AM
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by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:29 AM
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First: The newborn stage is HARD.  It's hard on you, hard on him, and hard on a relationship.  He's dealing with it by staying out and you're dealing with it like any other new mom, through pure love and exhaustion.

I had the same feelings about friends and such after my first was born.  Honestly, you get over it.  You learn how to re-enter public with a baby and not feel completely wiped when you get home.  It just takes time.  Sometimes just a phone call to a friend can help you reconnect, too.

Have you talked to your SO at all about how you feel?  I know emotions run high right now and speaking civilly without it getting heated is hard, but you have to try.  It's not fair to either of you for him to not be around.  He's missing out on time with his newborn daughter and you're missing his help.  A house doesn't just run on one person.  You need a break, even a short one to take a bath or something, periodically, too.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:17 PM

This is totally normal... My SO had a really hard time dealing with our new baby too. I thought he wasn't happy. He stayed late at work, and then would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning playing video games or whatever, while I tried to sleep. He wouldn't even hold her so I could shower. After a long, heartwrenching conversation, turns out he was just freaked the hell out and didn't know what to do so he was "escaping". He's a stellar daddy now, and an amazing partner. He gets up early to get our baby dressed, plays with her every day after work, brings her toys home when he goes out for errands, washes dishes, vacuums, and rubs my feet :D

My advice: Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need him to do. Don't worry about cleaning your house too much until your baby is a couple months old. I mean, don't let your house go, but it won't hurt not to clean the floors for a week or two. Ask your SO to wash the dishes. And most important: be patient. It takes a while to adjust to having a new baby around. <3

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:34 PM
I agree the first few months were hard, my lo is almost 5 months old and its still difficult but it has improved a lot! I would talk with him like the other ladies suggested and maybe ask if there is anyway he can cut back at work a little or maybe not stay out as late or every night after his meetings. He needs a few hours with the baby alone to fully understand how hard your job is caring for your lo all day. I had this same problem and I begged my so to help a little more and he promised he would or would complain how I stayed home all day while he worked..finally on one of his days off, I said I need to run to the store for something and stayed away for a few hours when I got home he was a little frazzled but later when we sat down and talked about it, he said he didn't realize how hard it was to take care of our son alone. Things changed! Good luck!
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:49 PM
Normal i guess. I'm a single mom and went though both my kids newborn stages by myself. My babies are only 16months 12 days apart, so i never sleep or get to do anything really unless it baby related. My dd's dad wants nothing to do with her, and my son is only 4 months and i breastfeed so his dad can't take him yet. I love being a single mom most of the time. Hell my dd's dad has yet to spend a penny on her or even meet her. My sons dad has only given me 50$ since he was born.
Just keep your cool and remember things could always be worse, that's how i get from day to day :)
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by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:12 PM

Yes it's pretty normal. There will be better days and worse days. I still get resentful sometimes and my DD is 11 months old!  I was lucky enough to have a maid for the newborn stage and that made life a hell of a lot easier, although still....the no sleep, lack of husband and adjusting to it all still made it kind of sucky. Hang in there!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:40 PM

Thank you ladies for all the wonderful advice and support. Sometimes it just helps to know that you're not alone in your situation. I guess I need to just open up about how I am feeling and get over my fear of retaliation. We have lightly discussed things before and I guess it's just about trying to initiate a real change in  behavior.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:19 PM
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 No advice but ((hugs)) The newborn stage is wonderful but also hard.

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