I delivered my twin boys almost four weeks ago. The first three weeks were extremely difficult, because I ended up with wound cellulitis after my C-section (still battling it), have been dealt shitty hand after hand in the breastfeeding game, overworked myself, it was one thing after another. The one thing that helped was my husband being home with me for those three weeks.
But now my husband is back at work and I'm home alone with the twins.
I knew this was coming, obviously. I know it's been done before, and done successfully. I also know that every parent, at some point, questions whether or not they're a good one. But I feel like I fail at everything, all the time, because I'm not cut out to be a mother. I'm not a career person, and have always wanted to be married to a good man and stay home caring for him and our beautiful children... I even enjoy housework and such. I have everything I ever wanted, and suddenly I'm afraid I never really knew what I wanted at all.
I love my husband and babies more than anything, but I think something's wrong with me. I've actually gotten angry with the babies... and they're BABIES. They're doing what babies do. What kind of person am I that I actually get mad at them?? I have no idea what I'm doing with them without help and it's already been four days. I feel like a megabitch. I yelled at my husband today for taking an hour to get groceries after work. Then I hung up on him, left the twins crying in their swing and bouncy seat, and locked myself in the bedroom with a pillow over my head. They were fed and changed and everything seemed fine, and they STILL WOULDN'T STOP FREAKING CRYING. I didn't know what else to do, so I just walked away. Isn't that neglect?!
I feel like I'm just complete shit. Not necessarily just because of the things I do right or wrong, but for the negative feelings I'm having. Is it normal to feel so angry, toward your own babies for one thing, but also so early on in this new life? I feel like if I were to feel this way at all, I should at least have more of a reason... should have been doing this longer. Mothers... especially TWIN/MULTIPLES MOTHERS... how did you do it? Did you ever feel this way??
It could be ppd but it could also just be the stressful feelings of a first time mom. I've always envied moms of multiples because I don't think I could handle it. My grandma is a twin and my aunt had twins so I was really nervous that I would have twins as well.
Do you have a good routine? I know that seems impossible because babies have their own schedule but if I were you I would try really hard. Make sure you get a small amount of time for yourself to gather your thoughts and relax. Hopefully things will start to fall into place for you.
Tips: get them on a schedule NOW and come hell or high water don't deviate from it.
When hubby comes homes, he needs to take over until about 10 pm so you can get some sleep! He may not do everything the way you would, but let it go...as long as they are fed and changed, everything else is cake!
Call your local churches or high school and see if they have high schoolers who are looking for service hours or that can be mother's helpers a few times a week...
Go on dates with your so every other week! You will want to neglect your marriage, don't!
Take time to exercise daily...bumble them up in a stroller and go!
Let things that aren't important for survival go! It's ok if the fridge isn't cleaned out or the clothes don't get folded everyday...just focus on the big stuff.
I think that's everything! Best of luck and I you ever need advice, please contact me!
I'm on Zoloft already though... :( I've been in and out of the OB's office for the entire time since my delivery because of the infection, and we've discussed the depressed feelings. They doubled my Zoloft dose, but so far that's it.
I just feel so horrible for walking away because hearing them scream breaks my heart and I don't ever want them to feel neglected or like I'm not there to comfort them. But I didn't know what the hell else to do!!
Quoting xredstarsx:
First, call your doctor. You just described post partum depression to a tee. Next, realize you are not a bad mother because if you were you wouldn't be asking because you wouldn't care. Last, walking away is the right thing to do when frustrated. Just until you are calm. I do and I just have one baby at a time.
We sort of had a routine when my husband was here, but on my own? The only routine I have is consistent chaos. I'm not even sure what kind of routine to establish with these two and how to do it. And time to myself seems like a joke... in between feedings (which take over an hour, by the way, to feed both babies AND pump and dump the tainted breastmilk I can't give them til after my antibiotic is done) I run around getting laundry done, dishes washed, bottles washed, rooms cleaned up, litter boxes cleaned, etc. I haven't showered in two days, which includes washing my infected incision. I don't even remember what it feels like to have makeup on my face.
Quoting jridgill:
(((Hugs)))
It could be ppd but it could also just be the stressful feelings of a first time mom. I've always envied moms of multiples because I don't think I could handle it. My grandma is a twin and my aunt had twins so I was really nervous that I would have twins as well.
Do you have a good routine? I know that seems impossible because babies have their own schedule but if I were you I would try really hard. Make sure you get a small amount of time for yourself to gather your thoughts and relax. Hopefully things will start to fall into place for you.
I probably do have PPD... I've always had hormonally-related depression (consistently depressed on hormonal birth control, spikes in depression during periods, etc... I was bat-shit crazy during pregnancy) so my OB and I agreed that starting Zoloft the last few weeks of my pregnancy was a good idea to try and battle the PPD before it hit. So I don't know for certain if I have it because I'm already medicated lol... but I probably do.
I'm afraid my babies won't feel bonded enough if I don't hold them enough. So right now the only way I know to feed them (since they eat at the same time) is to prop one up on a Boppy and the other in his bouncy seat (he's smaller and doesn't sit well in a Boppy yet), and feed them simultaneously until they get sleepy. Then I'll let one sleep, wake the other with a diaper change, and finish feeding him while holding him til he goes back to sleep. I put that one to bed, then finish up the other one while holding him. I don't know how else to do it.
For all I know, my twins might be easy too... they are our first babies so I have nothing to compare it to, and I don't know anyone with twins or more.
Quoting proudmommaof6bo:
It sounds like you may have post partem(sp?) Depression. Id talk to your Dr. I have twin boys, will be 1 year on Sunday and a 3yo and a 2yo at home as a well. It can be very difficult at times but you just got to find a routine that works for you. I was lucky and my twins were relatively easy. They slept thru the night at 4 months. They are very happy babies. I have them on the same feeding schedule. That was hard at first when they couldn't hold their own bottles. I would just lay in bed with them, prop then on a pillow, and feed them both. Then take turns burping them. It will get easier hun. Just hang in there. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just want to talk or vent. Hope this helped some, and good luck.
Quoting MamaMerkle126:We sort of had a routine when my husband was here, but on my own? The only routine I have is consistent chaos. I'm not even sure what kind of routine to establish with these two and how to do it. And time to myself seems like a joke... in between feedings (which take over an hour, by the way, to feed both babies AND pump and dump the tainted breastmilk I can't give them til after my antibiotic is done) I run around getting laundry done, dishes washed, bottles washed, rooms cleaned up, litter boxes cleaned, etc. I haven't showered in two days, which includes washing my infected incision. I don't even remember what it feels like to have makeup on my face.
Quoting jridgill:
(((Hugs)))
It could be ppd but it could also just be the stressful feelings of a first time mom. I've always envied moms of multiples because I don't think I could handle it. My grandma is a twin and my aunt had twins so I was really nervous that I would have twins as well.
Do you have a good routine? I know that seems impossible because babies have their own schedule but if I were you I would try really hard. Make sure you get a small amount of time for yourself to gather your thoughts and relax. Hopefully things will start to fall into place for you.
I haven't the slightest clue what kind of schedule to establish or how to do it. My husband offers to take over all the time but I can never let him completely because I feel bad that he works all day and then comes home and tries to do everything at home too. He's wonderful to me and a wonderful father... I absolutely DON'T want to neglect our marriage! That's one of my biggest fears, is our relationship suffering.
I really want to start walking with the twins every day... I just haven't started yet because of the weather up here. I can't wait though... every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted :-\
Quoting IAMmomtotrips:
Multiples are insane and that's just the way it is. You are sleep deprived and honestly the first year you are just trying to stay alive!
Tips: get them on a schedule NOW and come hell or high water don't deviate from it.
When hubby comes homes, he needs to take over until about 10 pm so you can get some sleep! He may not do everything the way you would, but let it go...as long as they are fed and changed, everything else is cake!
Call your local churches or high school and see if they have high schoolers who are looking for service hours or that can be mother's helpers a few times a week...
Go on dates with your so every other week! You will want to neglect your marriage, don't!
Take time to exercise daily...bumble them up in a stroller and go!
Let things that aren't important for survival go! It's ok if the fridge isn't cleaned out or the clothes don't get folded everyday...just focus on the big stuff.
I think that's everything! Best of luck and I you ever need advice, please contact me!
Haha... I've heard that, and I know it makes the most sense to take some of the pressure off, but I am such a neat freak. It's like I have that nesting instinct some women get toward the end of their pregnancy, only permanently. We live about 15-20 minutes away from hubby's family and they have helped out a few times... let us go out to dinner for our recent anniversary, babysat when I had to go to the ER. But his dad works during the day, and his mom works part-time and has a lot of health issues, so it's difficult to ask for help too often! I might end up caving though.
Quoting jridgill:
Oh honey leave the housework for now. Let your husband do that when he gets home. I would get my shower in when my husband came home so that's my advice there. Definitely talk to your doctor about what's going on but if you are already on Zoloft I'm not sure they will give you anything else. Do you live near family? Maybe see about someone coming a coupe times a week to help.
Quoting MamaMerkle126:We sort of had a routine when my husband was here, but on my own? The only routine I have is consistent chaos. I'm not even sure what kind of routine to establish with these two and how to do it. And time to myself seems like a joke... in between feedings (which take over an hour, by the way, to feed both babies AND pump and dump the tainted breastmilk I can't give them til after my antibiotic is done) I run around getting laundry done, dishes washed, bottles washed, rooms cleaned up, litter boxes cleaned, etc. I haven't showered in two days, which includes washing my infected incision. I don't even remember what it feels like to have makeup on my face.
Quoting jridgill:
(((Hugs)))
It could be ppd but it could also just be the stressful feelings of a first time mom. I've always envied moms of multiples because I don't think I could handle it. My grandma is a twin and my aunt had twins so I was really nervous that I would have twins as well.
Do you have a good routine? I know that seems impossible because babies have their own schedule but if I were you I would try really hard. Make sure you get a small amount of time for yourself to gather your thoughts and relax. Hopefully things will start to fall into place for you.
How did you announce your pregnancy?
- MamaMerkle126
on Feb. 21, 2013 at 9:45 PM