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Daddy+Baby Bonding

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Ok so.. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful 3month old baby girl. I am currently a sahm (I breastfeed, my car is broke down, and it's way cheaper than childcare) and he works from 7 -3:30 Mon-Fri. When he gets home and he holds her, she usually starts getting fussy or starts crying. He feels sad about it because he can't ever seem to calm her down. He has even said "she doesn't like me" and "she acts like she doesn't know who I am" ... I'll add that he and I got into a bit of an argument a few weeks ago- he always wants to leave Friday night or Sat night and get out of the house. And its not that I mind so much, but when I'm stuck in a house all alone during the day I like to see my partner when I can plus I could really use his help with things. I asked him when he's going to slow down a little. He said that since I'm breastfeeding she only wants me and there is nothin much for him to do .. he'll slow down more in a yr or so when she knows who he is and they can talk and play together. I told him we're supposed to me a team and I can't wait for a yr for him to want to be home with his family and that there tons of websites to find out how to bond with baby that don't require feeding. End result, he left anyway. I sent him like 8 links of different websites on ways for dads to bond with baby. (Probably shouldn't have done it while I was mad, I admit.) But he is still saying she doesn't like him and sometimes feels she doesn't know him. I asked if he read any of the links. He said, "I don't need an article to tell me how to be a dad." Then he proceeded to ask me if I read articles and I said, as a matter of fact, I do. He said he doesn't need to read them. I told him it's not telling him how to be a dad, it's offering ways to bond with a baby, because she needs that. She does ok with him when she spends long periods of time with him but it really is almost as if she doesn't know who he is sometimes. And I know it's because they need to bond and because she obviously sees me more than she sees him. But what can I do to help them bond without it seeming like I'm nagging (since he feels like he is above reading articles)?
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:31 AM
Replies (11-13):
mkhc-531
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:22 PM
I know. I just feel like he should help more and it kinda makes me sad. I feel like he puts off helping me for the things he wants to do. Example: he asks me to pack his lunch. I give her to him. He lays down and she screams and cries. (Dd is nosey. She likes to be held in a position to sit up and face out and wants to be walked.) He says, I know what she wants but I'm laying down. I understand he has to work the next day, but he isn't going to get very much relaxation with a baby screaming and crying in his ear. I feel like he can walk around with her for the 3 mins it takes to get his lunch ready, or make his own lunch. Another example: we have lived in our apt for 2 months and it still isn't settled or organized. He and his friend agreed to help move the bigger stuff today. Instead they played video games for 2 hrs. It's a bunch of little things I feel he can help with and just doesn't want to because he wants to do what's fun (which is understandable. I don't think cleaning is fun either. But it needs to be done).


Quoting Dragonmamas:

This is normal for a lot of men! Give it a little time, once baby is more active and whatnot:)


mkhc-531
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:35 PM
Yea. I'm literally stuck here all day. No one to talk to and no one to hang with. And the surrounding area we live in isn't real great so he doesn't even like for me to take baby on walks alone. Besides there isn't anywhere to even walk to around here. It's like I feel like he doesn't want to be here! And sometimes he asks me why I don't go with him to his frienda houses. Well all or most or them smoke cigarettes and/or pot. I don't want to force my child to breathe that stuff in just so I can get out of the house! What kind of mother would I be? Plus I'm breastfeeding so it's super uncomfortable to sit at his friends houses and feed her. Even if I go into a separate room I'm uncomfortable. :/ they just don't get it I guess. They don't understand that BOTH lives change when a baby comes, not just the mom.


Quoting Jenalex04:

I'm going through the same thing. My DH is not comfortable with the the baby phase. He will hold him sometimes but rarely and always says that he lives his mommy more right now. He says he'll bond with him more when he is older. Our son is only 6 weeks though. So the bonding thing doesn't bother me but when I'm home all day and all night with a baby, I want to hang out with my husband when he gets home! He just doesn't understand my loneliness I guess. Since the baby has been born he's been to an all day and evening beer festival, 3 concerts, one day at some studio for fun. And that's not including all the weekend and night side jobs he does. Those don't bother me because we need the money but he seems to just spend the money being away from me even more! I don't care if he goes out but come on he can't wait out the first 3 months at least to keep me from going stir crazy! Sorry I just vented so much to you. Lol! But it's nice to know some people are in the same situation. I don't feel as crazy being upset by this.

ablackdolphin
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 3:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I breastfed my kids and had DH do the bathtime routine.  He still does it (3.5 and 1.5) and it's great bonding time.  He has even taken baths with them.  I have TONS of bath toys. Bath crayons, the letters that stick to the walls, cups, etc so it's extra fun for both of them.  He'll then dress them in PJs and read a book.  Maybe something like that will help.

I nurse DS to sleep but daddy gets him all ready. We bathe them almost every night.

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