Ok so there's something I feel I need to get off my chest so please bear with me thru this long ass post. Sept 26 2010 I got married to my husband. Like most married couples do we wanted to start a family. Granted we were young and dumb and it's probably best we didn't get pregnant back then but we tried none the less. In 2011 we went thru a rough patch (details not included) in which we were pregnant and suffered a miscarriage. This might sound odd but it was so early that I didn't know how to feel about the loss. I didn't even feel pregnant so I dunno. Well fast forward to September 2012. It's the night before the niners game I wanna get white girl wasted for it but before I did that I wanted to be the responsible adult and take a test. (I mean I was only a day late but still) it came back positive. Wow, again I didn't know how to feel I was shocked, it was really happening. I had given up on the idea of being someone's mom. I wanted to cry so bad. A mixture of fear and total excitement. We called our families that night. I'll admit we didn't get the reaction we thought but we did drop it on them by surprise so no biggie. My pregnancy was hectic like most. We expect this beautiful smooth sailing pregnancy but I'm gonna go out and say it. It's hard. I cramped a lot and the whole first trimester I was in constant fear of losing the baby. Once that passed it was a breath of fresh air. I got to enjoy my second trimester. Loved seeing my belly get rounder and rounder. Then more pains. I got taken out of work in February only 23 weeks along to prevent going into early labor. It sucked. The hubs lost the job too and we were surviving off disability. We spent every weekday at the unemployment office filling out applications. I've never felt so rock bottom. Luckily he got another job. They laid people off (including rob) two weeks before Mateo was set to arrive. So back to edd we went. No luck. I had a beautiful baby shower with all my loved ones who anxiously awaited Mateo. My dad bought Mateo his crib. We got a little family car thanks to my aunt. Everything was looking up. Memorial Day 2013. My water breaks at the Golden Corral. May 28th 2013 at 4:13 am we welcomed Mateo Luca Delgado into this world weighing 7 lbs 11 oz and measuring 20 inches long. I cried when he cried. He was finally here. Daddy got a new job that week. I stayed home with Mateo for three months while my c section healed. I knew he was my baby. What I had tried for so long but i was expecting to feel what all these mothers out there describe. This unconditional love that warms your heart and when I felt I wasn't feeling that my anxiety kicked in and then I felt sad. I felt like there was something wrong with me. So I went to my mom since she's has 5 of us. She told me to calm down and that I was overreacting. (To her defense she never felt the way I was. ) so I did. I tried ignoring it. It got worse. I called it baby blues, it got worse. I cried when i opened my eyes in the morning and before bed at night. I told Robert I wanted to leave and leave him with the baby. That they'd be better off. I wasn't a good mom anyway is what I'd say to him. I felt like Mateo wasn't mine. I wanted to love him so hard and my brain wasn't letting me. I wanted to connect with my baby but I couldn't. I started to see things. Things that were out of my character. I felt like a danger to my son so the urge to leave was more and more present. I buried myself in my jobs. I didn't want to go home. I was afraid to go home. In my eyes my son wasn't safe from anyone. If I couldn't protect him from myself then he didn't stand a chance in the world. I constantly wanted to just run. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. It's not like I didn't want him I tried for 3 years for him. I had a car. A home. A supporting and loving husband. My family. I had all the ingredients to a happily ever after. Why wasn't I happy? One day I wake up and everything was fine I thought oh this is getting better. When all of a sudden my mind played something for me. It shook me to the core I told Robert to grab the baby and get him ready. I didn't tell him what I saw. I was scared that he'd leave and take him too. So I got ready for my work meeting grabbed the baby and we left. As soon as I pulled out of the driveway I frantically called my mom. I told her I needed help and I was scared. She was scared too. We called the doctor and in November I was admitted to st. Joseph's behavioral center. I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression and anxiety. I was then admitted to partial hospitalization for two weeks. During this time I had a therapist psychologist general md and a classroom therapy session I attended. I felt so ashamed of myself for having to go to this. I felt guilty I felt worse. Then they began explaining how I has no control over this my brain just decided to take over. It's not that I let it. Now I just had to get myself back. I learned that those things my brain played for me were intrusive thoughts and that those go away with a pill. I learned that there is no perfect mom. I learned that I'm allowed to be a mom a wife and lorena. I also learned that I wasn't crazy and that 1 out of every 4 adults goes thru mental illness at some point in their life. And it's not what you think. Mental illness isn't always padded walls and straight jackets. Like a diabetic has to take insulin to control it sometimes people need something to control the haywire chemicals in our brains. We forget our brain is also an organ that needs to be maintained but due to stigma and judgement people don't bother with it. I know this is my business and it's out there now for the world to see but I just want you to know that it's ok to say you're not ok. It doesn't make you a bad person and if my business being out here helped one. Just one person I'm ok with that. It's an everyday battle but it can get better. You might feel lost and like there's no cure but I promise there is and that light is at the end of the tunnel. If you feel out of character go see someone. You shouldn't be afraid of yourself or to be alone with your baby. Don't let your mind control you. You control your mind and your emotions remember that. You are not alone. I too thought postpartum didn't exist and depression was just negative people. But now I know. Now I empathize. And there's someone there to listen.
on Feb. 8, 2014 at 11:40 PM