Baby shower vent

i have the same problem,i have 6 kids and only had two the frist one was the my frist son and it was just becase she had too, the other was with my girl and it was a ladie at work   i dont think i should have one with everyone but it shouldnt feel like they had too,my brother has 4 kids and got one for everyone of them o-by-the way they were all boys 18 mths apt  so i feel you

You are not being overly sensitive at all. For your mom to dangle a shower in front of you, not plan one and then turn around and make a big deal about your brother's girlfriend's shower is horrible!

Next time, you talk to your mom, tell her how that made you feel and ask her point blank if she meant it when she told you that you were getting a shower. At least you will know where you stand.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Let us know if anything changes.

Thanks for the advice, but my mom's not the type that I can talk about my feelings to.....unless I'm really mad at someone else.  If it's her, she just says that she doesn't want to hear it....she tries her best...yadda yadda..   I've tried with her and given up.  It's not that I'm AGAINST a baby shower  at all, and I would go to it, except that I feel like it's "mandatory" and I have to work.....and it's being dangled in front of my face.   I can't take a day away from my maternity leave coming up to go to a baby shower that isn't mine!  

maybe it is a surprise baby shower and she is using your brothers baby as a cover up?

Quoting jeeniegurl03:

maybe it is a surprise baby shower and she is using your brothers baby as a cover up?

It's a good thought, but she has been talking about getting her a babyshower for a long time.  I told her I can't plan one....I can't be sure I can get off for it, but told her I would try if given an early notice and whatnot.  Before the baby was born (oh, here's the rest of the story)  His girlfriends HUSBAND claimed the baby was his!  The dates didn't match up with when they started dating, etc.  So far, my mom has been claiming it as her grandbaby, and we have been claiming her, so even if she's not "ours" we still love her.

Anyways, I just know that this will take a huge priority, and then when it comes to mine....procrastinate and throw one together after the baby is born, except the baby won't be there around everone's germs (and of course everyone will bring their kids, and it'll turn into a kids party).......uuuuugh   I love my family

I would just give a small gift so it doesn't look like you are being mean and go to work...don't take a day off that you will feel mad about later.

And, I can understand how you feel about the babyshower...that wasn't nice of your mom. 

Ahh, I'm so sorry for your stress but it's so nice to see there are other people out there in the same boat. It really sucks feeling like no one cares. My husband and I are expecting our third baby, all girls, and I've never had a "real" shower. I say that, because when I was pregnant with my first one, we lived out of state and couldn't afford the plane tickets just to come home for a baby shower. For the money we spent on the tickets we could have bought everything we needed for the baby and then some! But, I was coming home anyway for a visit for my sister's wedding and my family decided (way last minute) to have a shower for me that weekend...the day after my sister's wedding! I loved them for their efforts and them wanting to contribute, but I felt terrible about it for a number of reasons. Number one, it was my sister's wedding weekend and I didn't want to take the spotlight off of her. Number two, it was the day after her wedding, a Sunday, and ALL of our family and friends were up all night drinking and dancing at her wedding the night before so hardly anyone came to my baby shower. I refer to it as my "pity shower".  We had it in the basement of my church so when people were there for church and saw that I was having a shower afterwards a few stopped in and stayed I think just to make an appearance because they felt bad and knew that it was a pity shower. And I also felt bad because my family actually did spend quite a few hundred dollars on everything for the shower and it was a flop. If I had known that no one would show up I would have just not had one altogether and waited and had a nice shower for our second baby. Which sort of brings me to my real vent topic.

For that first shower, I asked my mother in law if she thought I should invite her's and her husband's families, even though it was planned in under a month so there wasn't much notice. She told me that her husband's neice was getting married the weekend before that and that probably no one in her husband's family would come to the shower because it was last minute and they would have just been at a function the weekend before, so not to bother inviting them. And because she didnt' want to offend HIS family (even though she said up front that they most likely would not have an interest in coming), she also didn't want me to invite HER family because she didn't want her husband's family to feel like her side was invited and they weren't. And she said that if we were living back in town or closer to town when we had our second child that she wanted to throw me a shower and would invite their families to that. Well, we did move back to town because my husband got laid off from his job in the Auto Industry and we were literally living IN HER HOUSE when I was pregnant with our second daughter, we moved back here while I was 8 months pregnant and my husband wasn't working yet and we had a lot that we needed (even though our daughters were close together, we had to leave a lot of things behind when we moved because there wasn't room in the uhaul), but even with all of that there was not even the suggestion of a shower.

Now, our third baby is on the way and was a BIG surprise (I got pregnant when our second daughter was only 6 weeks old, they will be 11 months apart), and I'm still not having a shower. I guess because we have two daughters already maybe she just assumes that we have everything we need, but I keep talking about how we're running out of time and the baby is measuring big and might come early and we still need a lot of things for her, and there is still not even the slightest lightbulb turning on about a shower. My second daughter is only 9 months old, so she's still using the infant car seat, still in the crib, so we basically need doubles of everything because their ages are so close - it's almost like having twins. But, what is REALLY triggering this somewhat temper-tantrum of mine, is that this weekend the SAME neice of her husband's who was getting married and was the reason I couldn't invite anyone to my first shower (which by the way was also for her first grandchild, and the only ones she'll ever get because my husband is an only child), anyway, that neice is having HER baby shower this weekend (4 hours away in Ohio) and yes they are taking time off of work and making the drive to be there, and her baby is due almost two months after my due date!

Now, to be fair, in my mother in law's defense, with our first daughter since we weren't inviting her family to the pity shower, she did buy a lot of things for the baby; the crib, dresser, nursery decorations, which were expensive items and I know she was trying to make up for not inviting the family by spending the same amount she would have spent on a shower on items for the baby instead. But the thing that makes me the most upset, not even angry but just downright sad and depressed over all of this, is that we literally DO NOT CARE about gifts at all! I just want to feel like someone is happy for us and wants to give our children the proper welcome they deserve.

My husband and I were friends for two years before we started  dating, we dated for 5 years before we were married and we didn't get pregnant til after we were married...we did everything the "right way", and it just feels like no one cares. I have no pictures from my first baby shower because it was just so last minute and thrown together that we were unorganized and didn't think to take any, so I don't even have any momentos like that to put in a scrapbook to pretend I had a nice shower. But honestly, I guess I wouldnt' even want the pictures if I did have them because it would just be a painful reminder of what my daughter missed out on.

I hate that people think showers are for the sole purpose of getting things you need for the baby and being greedy and wanting gifts. It's really only about wanting to celebrate with family and friends and have people be happy for you, and yes, maybe it's even nice to feel like you're being made a fuss over for two measly hours of your entire pregnancy. Whoever spread the ettiquitte guidelines that it's inappropriate to have more than one shower is a jerk...and people certainly don't have a problem having more than one wedding shower or more than one gift opening when they get remarried, so why is it different for a baby?

I know a ton of pepole will think I'm just being a baby and that I need to get over it, which is why I don't even talk about this to anyone and why I'm venting to strangers on a website to get it off of my chest. Like I said though, it's not about being a baby and wanting stuff and wanting attention. I just want to feel like anyone at all gives a crap about myself and my husband and our family. We constantly feel like we're the least priority of the families and I have no idea what we did to deserve that treatment. And the crazy thing about all of this is that I think if my mother in law asked me if I wanted a shower I would just say no because I don't want aother pity shower and I feel like with it being this late in the pregnancy and no one even suggesting a shower by now that there's no doubt that would be what it was. I know begger's can't be choosers and I should be happy and excited about any effort that was being made, but I feel like I shouldn't have to drop hints and have to give permission for them to want to have a shower for me, I feel like they should just WANT to do it and it's a little annoying that it hasn't even crossed anyone's minds.

I guess another big part of it too is that I am the FIRST person to opt to throw a shower for anyone else, even people I'm not that close with, because I just love celebrating weddings and babies because they are things that are close to my heart. I actually go around pressuring my friends to get married and get pregnant so I can have an excuse to throw someone a shower. Even people in my husband's family too...I tell everyone that I don't want anything in return, they don't have to feel obligated to put me in the wedding party or make me the baby's Godmother, I just want dibs on hosting the showers (and they are NICE showers too). And if there is someone else that is already throwing the shower, I offer to do whatever I can to contribute...make food, make door prize gift baskets, etc. Ahh, oh well, I guess I'm done venting.

But yeah, you aren't the only one and you're right that it just isn't fair and unfortunately there isn't anything we can do about it without looking like greedy ungrateful cry-babies! :(

You got it right....it's not about the gifts or really all the attention....I want to know that people are excited about the new baby.     It really is frustrating....and if my mother throws a shower, it'll be a pity shower like you said.   She's more disorganized than I am right now and I would probably be the one planning everything.

I decided I'm not going to go (I would have to work Thanksgiving in order to get it off) But I will send a really nice gift.  I've sent a lot of time with her, drove 1 1/2 hours to see her after she was in the NICU (but been home for three months and saw her then too)

I really do feel like a big whiner, but I have three months left, I feel terrible, and I'm just tired of this.   I hope the best for the shower for her, but I doubt I'll even get one.

Momma to Braeden, expecting #2 in January 2010