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Feeling Hopeless ~vent~

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:33 AM
  • 11 Replies

I sure hope the Zoloft I just started today helps bc I'm sick of just existing!

That's how I feel daily (among nauseated and exhausted). I feel like I just exist; I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just here and half the time I wonder why I'm here. What good do I do that makes my existence worth the space?

I take my dogs for walks at night and tonight I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the path and cry. I wondered "what am I doing this for?" I was doing it for the dogs, not for me. I'm trying to lose weight but I don't really know why bc I know that what I expect from weight loss is ridiculous (happiness) bc I haven't really known it for YEARS! I don't remember the last time I had a good stretch of being happy. I feel like I need a break from my kids but I also feel like I don't have a right to that break bc I chose this life - I chose to get pregnant the 2nd time (and kind of the first considering I wasn't on BC) and I chose to become a SAHM after I had him. I wanted this life and today I have spent a good portion sitting here wondering "what was I thinking becoming a mother?! I'm not cut out for it, I'm not good at it, I'm going to ruin my kids' lives!" I always feel like I trapped my DH into this marriage by getting pregnant w/our first even though he tells me he has never felt trapped into anything.

I just feel SO alone and I don't know where to go! Thus why I'm boring or annoying you w/this bc I don't really feel like I have another person to talk to. I know there's depression groups on here but they'll probably just give the same general answer they give to everyone bc they don't really care or it's not important. Last June I carved (w/a knife) "I AM NOTHING" into my arm and for the most part remembering that (the saying not the experience) keeps me level or it calms me down if I'm mad bc it reminds me that I have no right to be mad or to expect anything from my DH....

If you read this, I'm sorry but I didn't know where else to go. I hope you are having a great night and are able to get some rest.

Megan


by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
GothicMommyToBe
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:35 AM
Ahww hunny you're not alone :). I feel this way sometimes,I'm bi-polar,manic depressant,post tramatic stress syndrome and others but you're not alone. Ever wanna talk message me.
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palemoon21
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:52 AM

Megan....first off...huggingYou are truely NOT alone in this. I can't believe that I am posting this for everyone to see but I am also struggling with severe depression. I thought it was the hormones of the pregnancy that were causing me to feel the way I do but it's been like this for 5 months strait. I can not sleep and when I do, it's at odd hours and due to exhastion.

I'd love to talk to you more about things and maybe share some of my stories with you so you can see that you are not alone in this. I am just a little uncomfortable putting it out there. It's a fear I have so I normally keep things bottled up. I know what it's like to not have anyone to talk to and even when I do....it scares the crap out of me to even admit that something is a little "off" in my life.

*hugs to you mama!* Please feel free to PM if you would like to talk or just have someone listen.

 -Misty

housefullofkidz
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:59 AM

Oh hun, That made me cry just reading it.  I have never been in your shoes but PLEASE know  you are not nothing.  More people love you than you can imagine. Just being on this board, I am sure you have helped more people than you can imagine. Your babies love you so very much. You are their world! My heart is just broken for you.  When I am feeling down, I try to stay positive and count my blessings. I love looking back at old pictures and my blog. It really put's things into perspective for me. I can't help but see all the pictures of my kids glowing with happiness and know I am doing just what I need to be doing in this world. We all get down sometimes.  I know this sounds like so much more though. Have you gone to counseling? It sounds like you really need to work outside the home.  It doesn't make you less of a mom at all. You still love your kids, it is just something you need to do for you. Great big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))).  keep your chin up.I am your friend. You can talk to me anytime.

here is a song for you- none of these phases in life are forever.  It will pass, I promise!

                              


siggi1bmp-1.jpg picture by us5dots

MomNtheRes
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:08 AM

I've felt like that a few times, but the worst was after the birth of my 1st daughter. I went through each and every day simply waiting to die. Going through the motions, watching what was going on, participating here and there but not really involved in anything. It was a horrible existence and I didn't even realize it was probably PPD until my daughter was 18 months and I FINALLY started coming out of it. I'm SO worried it will hit me again after this child, at least this time I know to go to my Dr and tell them what I'm feeling.

I'm glad you have started the zoloft, hopefully that will give you the boost you need. And you might try the depression group, you never know. Even if you just lurk and read you might stumble across something that helps. I was surprised at the amazing support I received in the miscarriage group on here, you really never know. >HUGS< Regardless, know you are NOT alone. 

housefullofkidz
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 11:27 AM

bump for advice

Pandapanda
by Amber on Jun. 3, 2010 at 11:34 AM

I'm so sad that you're going through this. You're a wonderful mother, and your husband and children need and love you! You gave up a lot to bring them into the world, and being a SAHM is tougher than people think.

*hugs*

I'm sorry I really don't know what to say.. but you ARE cut out for the job and life you've created for yourself- and when you fight your way out of the slump, you will feel fantastic. Stay strong!!

sparklebug86
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 11:36 AM

aww hunny....   I remember those feelings. Working out daily, does help some..... excercise creates endorphins which make you happy but it takes awhile to build them up.  I took zoloft for awhile but it didnt help me although I know its helpful for many women :) For me it eventually passed but I remember the feeling getting pretty bad. At one point I had thoughts about hurting myself and thats when I went to DH.... I couldnt handle it by myself anymore.  Communication with hubby is important.... remember that!

ojac
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 11:42 AM

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I am bi-polar and have severe anxiety.  I have been on  meds for 11 years and they have saved my life.  I think the most important thing is not to give up on your medication or therapy.  If Zoloft doesn't work try again and again until you find what is right for you. You are going to be fine.


ElijahsMom211
by Platinum Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:24 PM

Thanks ladies! I still feel down this morning/afternoon (I just woke up bc I was awake most of the night). I just feel bad for my family. I feel like I'm punishing them for my emotions and that isn't fair.

I'm not sure Rob knows what to do/how to handle me. I have had thoughts of hurting myself and I did go to him but I think he just kind of shuts down about things like this bc he isn't sure how to deal w/it or how to help ~ he's never experienced depression so I can't blame him, it's not something you can help with if you haven't gone through it yourself, you know?

Quoting sparklebug86:

aww hunny....   I remember those feelings. Working out daily, does help some..... excercise creates endorphins which make you happy but it takes awhile to build them up.  I took zoloft for awhile but it didnt help me although I know its helpful for many women :) For me it eventually passed but I remember the feeling getting pretty bad. At one point I had thoughts about hurting myself and thats when I went to DH.... I couldnt handle it by myself anymore.  Communication with hubby is important.... remember that!



amy31308
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:36 PM

I'm so glad you posted this song because that's what gets me through to the next day some days. (Although, I am not depressed, we all just have thosee days that are so draining) This song just pops in my head and it gets me through til the next day :) It's a great song!

Megan, You really should go talk to someone for your own sake. I couldn't imagine feeling the way you do. I wish I could just give you a big hug! You deserve to find that happiness in your life.  I'll be praying for you dear. You can PM anytime too.

Hang in there!!!

Quoting housefullofkidz:

Oh hun, That made me cry just reading it.  I have never been in your shoes but PLEASE know  you are not nothing.  More people love you than you can imagine. Just being on this board, I am sure you have helped more people than you can imagine. Your babies love you so very much. You are their world! My heart is just broken for you.  When I am feeling down, I try to stay positive and count my blessings. I love looking back at old pictures and my blog. It really put's things into perspective for me. I can't help but see all the pictures of my kids glowing with happiness and know I am doing just what I need to be doing in this world. We all get down sometimes.  I know this sounds like so much more though. Have you gone to counseling? It sounds like you really need to work outside the home.  It doesn't make you less of a mom at all. You still love your kids, it is just something you need to do for you. Great big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))).  keep your chin up.I am your friend. You can talk to me anytime.

here is a song for you- none of these phases in life are forever.  It will pass, I promise!



in lovetoddler boybaby girl

We're beating the odd's. Married and loving it! July 5, 2008
I love being their mommy!

Mason E.W.- born March 13, 2008

Emma Dafna- May 24, 2010


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