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Help with a friend

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:29 AM
  • 4 Replies
I have this friend who has been dealing with infertility for as long as I've known her. She stopped talking to me when she found out I was pregnant. I figured she needed time and space. She reinitiated contact and we hung out a few times. She found out she was expecting, shared all the details with me. I was thrilled for her. She miscarried at around 5 wks and my heart broke for her. I shared my sympathies and offered her my support, but as I assumed, she stopped contacting me. Again, I figured she needed space from me and my growing abdomen.

At 7 months of my pregnancy, she contacted me to hang out again and we did. But she managed to make me feel very badly. I talked about anything but my pregnancy, but she continually brought it up. She made several jealous remarks, for example: we went to the mall and she said she had to stop by the bathroom. I said that'd I'd probably try to go because at that point "I can't pass ip the chance to pee if I get one.". She said "well, I wouldn't know. I've never been that far in a pregnancy." That was one of many comments of the sort.

In the end, I left feeling like crap. I know she's hurting and struggling but I'd rather not feel like I'm walking on eggshells unsuccessfully.

She recently contacted me saying she had something for the baby. I told her I was pretty open if she wanted to get together. Asked open ended questions to see if she wanted to set up a lunch date. She put forth no effort to make any plans and barely spoke to me (text msg conversation). I am 38 weeks along. I'm having contractions a lot. I don't have any desire to hang out with someone I make so uncomfortable, who makes me feel badly about being pregnant. I'm not trying to be insensitive and felt that no matter my effort, I'll still bring up bad thoughts.

Her latest facebook message was basically "I have a gift for you and the baby when you have time."

I don't know how to respond. I don't want to do anything with her. I'd rather avoid her than feel like anything I do or say will offend her. I feel like I've put a lot of effort in to being understanding of her feelings and that doesn't seem like enough.

I don't know what to do. How should I respond?

Sorry this is so long and I apologize for any typos as I wrote this from my phone.
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by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:29 AM
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Replies (1-4):
Mommy_Burge
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:37 AM

 Maybe just try to explain to her....you know be like..."i know that seeing me pregnant after your loss must be really difficult for you and it puts both of us in an awkward situation...maybe it would be best if we got together after the baby is here...just the two of us."

something like that. i can only imagine what she must be going through emotionally and i can totally understand how seeing you pregnant and so far along could be like a thorn in her side but...she's your friend....she's suppose to be happy for you. and honestly.....she could be an adult about the whole situation and step up and say "hey....i'm really sorry i've been so moody lately. it's hard to be around you being so pregnant because of my loss it sends my moods spiralling out of control and just feel awful"

dont feel like your to blame....she can be a big girl in this situation too.

C8Baxter
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 9:22 AM
Thanks for the advice ;). I really do try to understand how she feels and know I'll never fully. But I'm not ignorant to her feelings
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MommyKelleyX3
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 9:28 AM

Ugh, what a situation.  I wouldnt want to be around her if she acted like that all the time.  I cant imagine how hard of a time she is having, but its not your fault & she shouldnt take it out on you.  A friend should still be happy for you, not try to make you feel bad.

I think I would just ignore the message & not even respond.  Or maybe type her a big long one & explain how she makes you feel when you hang out.  Thats always hard to do, and maybe she wont want to be friends with you at all after that (which doesnt sound like it would be that bad of a thing), but it would be better to just get it off your chest.

mem82
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 9:28 AM

That's so hard. You are being sensitive to her, but by the same token, this is a tiger she is going to have to learn to ride. 8( You aren't rubbing it in her face so I would say, you put the offer out there, now she is going to have to take the next step. As harsh as it sounds, she is going to have to learn to deal with the pregnancies around her. It isn't fair for her to burden you with this. My heart breaks for your friend but at the same time, she can't go around being passive aggressive.

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