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maybe he was right. i may have made the wrong choice.

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 12:50 AM
  • 13 Replies

so, i need to start this by saying tonight... for some unknown reason.. i am beyond extremely emotional. I have broke down crying countless times today and am just feeling so uneasy and so emotional about my future all of a sudden. I thought I had everything figured out. I knew things weren't going to be easy- I wasn't thinking they were- but I just thought I had things figured out. 

Here's background for those of you who don't know my story/for those who care to read:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/pregnancy/forums/read/14741033/_UPDATE_CRY_FOR_HELP_confused_scared_overly_emotional_piog

I have had contact with Tommy a few times recently, but have kept it very minimal. He pisses me off because he will ask stupid questions in the middle of a normal conversation like 'are you still pregnant'. Uhhh.... clearly. So, just this past weekend I got smart and I said 'yes, I am still pregnant with your 3rd son' to which he got all pissy about for me giving him too much detail. (should have known that was coming, but it still made me mad). And, then he proceeded to tell me that he is changing numbers and not going to give me his new one because he doesn't want me to have contact with him anymore. ....I haven't told him yet, but I am 99% sure I am going after child support from him. He works for Nevada police, I have his address, I know his parents & his brothers address, and he just told me that he opened up a restaraunt with his brother.. so now I have that information. He can change his number but I, well the courts, will still be able to find him and all that he is doing is making me more upset! I even told him straight up that he can make whatever choice he wants in not giving me his number, but just be aware that if he doesn't I will be super upset. He responded: " when u say piss u off it comes off as a threat...like ur gonna send me papers and shit to my house about kid and court orders and all this non sense". I just didn't respond. and when he texted me again saying "and when u say it like the way u do it scares me" I just told him 'well im telling you that not having your number scares me'. Conversation over. 

I want to be able to give him the option of either send me money every month and we will keep it between us, but if you don't or the money stops then I will have to go through the courts. But, I can't do that if I don't have his number. Not to mention I just hate the fear of not having his number in case anything were to ever happen! What if I need to know something about him medically?! I know.. should have known before I slept with him.. but we don't always know if we are a carrier of things. AND, you definitely don't always think you are going to have the child of a guy you are dating!


So.. moving on. That conversation and just the thoughts of all that has been eating at me. Like, a ton. On top of that, I have my school semester ending which is pretty stressful and just hectic trying to prepare for exams, quizzes, group projects, etc. I thought I was SO excited and SO ready to have these 2 1/2 weeks FLY by so I can just be home for good.. but, of course, now I am not too sure that I am ready to move home.

My sister is 17.. just 3 years younger than me. And she is the MEANEST person I have ever met. My parents are just at wits end with her. They let her do whatever the hell she wants because even they can't control her. They try, but she tells me mom to 'bite her' she tells both my parents to 'fuck off' and she never listens. She has taken the car after they have said no several times on several different occassions! I have tried telling my parents to call the cops on her and report the car stolen but I feel as if she has worn them out so much they just don't have the energy to deal.

My heart ACHES for my parents. They are both teachers and going to school for their doctorates. So, not only do they have the stress of their jobs, they also have the stress of getting their doctorates.. AND the stress of my sister. I call my parents every single night and it breaks my heart (as I begin to tear up right now) to hear that they are just snacking for dinner or having a pb&j. They can definitely afford groceries and food to make proper meals but they are both worn so thin and so stressed so often they don't have time or energy to cook. I feel guilty when they ask what I had for dinner and often times lie to them because it just hurts to much to explain that I made a wonderful home cooked meal. I am excited to go home and cook for them since I won't have anything else to do.... but I am so scared to go home and be around my sister. 

I don't try to fight with her.. I try to avoid her mostly. I know fighting with her just upsets my parents, even more. But it is SO hard to stay quiet 24/7 with all the jabs that she is constantly making towards me. She has made threats to me and my unborn child.. she calls me names.. she is just MEAN. I try to take it all with a grain of salt, but when you hear them nonstop it becomes so incredibly heard to just blow them off. 

And, this brings me to my biggest issue at hand. (I really appreciate this if you are still reading.. sorry its a novel. I am just having a sob/vent session in my head and with my fingers typing away). I sold my car before I moved to Vegas for a job.. I thought I would be there long-term and was planning on just buying a car out their eventually. I ended up moving home. I figured that I would live up at school in the apartments and in all honesty wouldn't NEED a car as much as it would be nice. My apartment is within walking distance to everything and I have friends who go back home often, so I was like 'perfect! I will pay off some loans early and save for a car eventually when I really need it'. So, I paid off $10,000 of student loans. Which felt awesome. ONLY TO FIND OUT TWO DAYS LATER I was pregnant. I thought I was doing an awesome thing, only to be slapped in the face realizing I should have kept that money, bought a car and could use the money for baby things. I kept money in my account... but it was very little. AND that is quickly draining with rent and utilities and groceries. I work a part time job at home (which I still work weekends when i am home.. and will be working a ton when I move home). So, money will start coming in again shortly... but doesn't change the fact that I am balancing on a very small savings for now. and DESPERATE for a car. 

Its not an option for my parents to buy me a car.. as much as they would love to, they just can't finacially. (long story short we were building a house in '05 and the builder fled with all of our money and left the house half built- along with many other homeowners. My parents had JUST sold our old house and put ALL of that money down on the new house... smart idea they thought.. and then to find out the builder left with it all. We won't ever see that money as the builder had borrowed millions from Banks and nobody gets paid until the banks do. So we said goodbye to that money and that house (as it was 'frozen' by the gov/banks) and had to build ANOTHER house which was obviously more money). ... Guess we have a pattern of thinking we are smart and doing the right thing with money to have it back fire. ANYWAYS.. my parents want to help me with a car but I just don't see it happening.

The thing that sucks the most is that I know moving home is going to be rough not having my own car 24/7 to do the things I want. ESPECIALLY because I will have to share with my bratty sister. I am willing to work with her, but I can already tell she won't work with me. I mainly just want the car so I can work as much as I can. My hours are now going to be limited as my sister has school from 7-2:30 (same with my dad) and my mom school from 9-4. If I am sharing cars with them I will only be able to work during their school days or after they get home. Its just frustrating because I COULD be working from 1-9:15 almost every day making good money. But, that isn't going to work. 

And, the final thing that upsets me about not having a car is that I cannot come back to CMU in the fall like I have planned if I don't have a car. I have my living situation- in family housing- figured out and will only 3 semesters left! I am SO close to being done! BUT, I need a car. family housing is not within walking distance to campus and I have to take the baby to day care on my way to classes. I live in Michigan- its cold and rainy somedays so its not like I can suck it up and walk miles upon miles to the daycare and classes. Its NOT practical.

I called my cousin earlier who I thought was a safe person to vent to. HAHAHA.... what a joke. She just started at me about 'well you really think you are going to go back to school when the baby is only 4 months old? come on, you know you won't be back in fall so you minds well give it up now' UHM?! WTF!!!! Yes, it is going to be SO hard for me to leave the baby... but I HAVE to finish school. I need to and want to and am determined to! So, thanks for your support!

My brother also called me a bit ago to just talk and asked how things were. And I just started crying- like I said, I am just so emotional and so upset over everything. When I explained most of this to him HE responded to me with 'well I am sorry Court but what did you expect? You brought all this upon yourself by deciding to have a baby. You can't get pissed when the universe doesn't go your way all the time' again, UHM WHAT?! I am not trying to be mad that the universe isn't going my way???? I am just upset and frustrated with things. I never thought things were going to be easy.. but DAMN. I sure thought I had things planned out better. Now I am left sitting here thinking will I be able to financially afford anything?! I can't even get myself a car right now. (Granted, I have already bought the Crib, the Bassinett, the swing and the bouncer, the glider/ottoman, the bedding and a bunch of clothes ALL BY MYSELF) So, I mean I can and have bought things for the baby and that will always be my main focus...  but I can't buy a car right now. Which is essential. Or so I think it is. Am I wrong with that?

Will things work out in the end? Am I just going through a down period right now? And because of these raging hormones feeling so upset about things that are really 'future' issues? UGH! I am just having such a rough time even believing that things will work out. I love this little boy that is growing and kicking and moving all around in me... but sometimes I just have to think to myself.. what in the hell am I getting myself into?!  

by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 12:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
court.0125
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 12:50 AM

if you read all of that, I appreciate it. SO MUCH! Sorry it is so long... I just needed to get it all out! 

Mrs.Andrews
by Mandy on Nov. 18, 2011 at 1:04 AM

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. As for the car and the things you bought for the baby. You really don't need all those things. Why don't you just buy a really cheap used car? My point is. I think if you are living with your parents and still working some, you should be able to live frugally and by a car. I know it gets really overwhelming when you want everything to work out and start thinking about everything. Just try to take it one step at a time. 

lfrrll5
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 1:06 AM
Its going tone hard for awhile but one day it will finally get easier that I know. I have been in your shoes and I'm finally over that hill. Hugs girl. I hope things work out really soon.
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mama12-2011
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 1:24 AM
I know its hard, but one day ull look back n thank God u made it through. :) ull b ok, believe me.
court.0125
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 1:35 AM
Thanks. That's the hard part- I have enough where I could afford to spend like 4 grand on a car right now. Which I could find a decent vehicle with that. But my dad is a car freak and won't let me buy used. I know, it's annoying. But he has this fear that they are just more troubles and not safe for a baby. And, while living in his house rent free I feel like I can't disobey him and go out and blow 4 grand on a car which will have him forever pissed at me. And, I don't have credit and he won't co sign. I plan on seriously sitting down and having a long talk with him when I move home in a few weeks. Hopefully things change!

Quoting Mrs.Andrews:

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. As for the car and the things you bought for the baby. You really don't need all those things. Why don't you just buy a really cheap used car? My point is. I think if you are living with your parents and still working some, you should be able to live frugally and by a car. I know it gets really overwhelming when you want everything to work out and start thinking about everything. Just try to take it one step at a time. 

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Devious103102
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 1:57 AM

Sweetie, WHY are you even bothering to still speak to that man and WHY are you only "contemplating" taking him to court and making threats to him of it? You're either going to do it, or you're not. No middle ground allowed. Do NOT give him the option of "just giving you money". The whole point of the courts is to protect you, the child and him in assuring everything is done RIGHT!  ESPECIALLY if he works for th PD! Take his ass to court, file for the child support, and let that be that. If he has an issue with it, oh well. Quit worrying about his feelings and focus on what you need to do for you and your baby.  As far as your parents go sounds like they need to kick your sister out! Here's hoping all works out.

court.0125
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 2:02 AM
Thank you.

I know, i have had several realizations recently as to why in the hell I am trying to be the nice guy to him? He hasn't done shit for me. I guess I'm scared of him playin dirty since he is a cop and everything- they often play dirty. But, it is best for my child to have the child support.


Quoting Devious103102:

Sweetie, WHY are you even bothering to still speak to that man and WHY are you only "contemplating" taking him to court and making threats to him of it? You're either going to do it, or you're not. No middle ground allowed. Do NOT give him the option of "just giving you money". The whole point of the courts is to protect you, the child and him in assuring everything is done RIGHT!  ESPECIALLY if he works for th PD! Take his ass to court, file for the child support, and let that be that. If he has an issue with it, oh well. Quit worrying about his feelings and focus on what you need to do for you and your baby.  As far as your parents go sounds like they need to kick your sister out! Here's hoping all works out.

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nicoal4
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 2:06 AM
I lived in LA w 3 small girls as a waitress and no car I rode the bus and was fine a car is nice but you can make it just fine 'nn
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court.0125
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 2:13 AM
Public transportation makes it all so much easier. We don't have that here. An my university doesn't have university transportation. :/

Quoting nicoal4:

I lived in LA w 3 small girls as a waitress and no car I rode the bus and was fine a car is nice but you can make it just fine 'nn
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Autumn19
by Ruby Member on Nov. 18, 2011 at 6:54 AM
Sorry your having a hard time. Hope things fall into place soon.
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