Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Sorry it's so long but I REALLY need some advice. Someone please help!

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:44 AM
  • 11 Replies

I have two children who live in florida with their father. At first, that wasn't my choice. I really wasn't happy about it but finally I took a step back and looked at my situation and tried to realize they'd have everything I couldn't give them living in Florida with my ex husband and his mother. I'm in a better position now. My children are 3 and 4 years old. My 4 year old hates me. If I call to talk to her, she tells me she hates me because I "abandoned" her. I was in the hospital when he took them to Florida. There was nothing I could do about it so now I feel like his family is filling their heads with lies. They have their own little lives down there now though. My youngest doesn't remember me and my oldest hates me. Why would I try to fight for custody and rip them away from the only people they know and love? 

Then I found out I was pregnant. BIG SURPRISE! But my new fiance and I were excited about it. I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and the doctor told me there was something wrong with the baby. He said it was most likely a genetic problem. The baby was retaining more fluid than it should be at that point of the pregnancy. My fiance and I were devastated. The doctor's kept telling me I could keep the baby if I wanted to but it most likely had a problem with it's chromosomes and would never live a normal, happy life. I honestly know for a fact that I'm not strong enough to give a special needs child everything it would need so my fiance and I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make. I went back for my follow up visit 2 weeks later. I was still bleeding and in a lot of pain. I was passing dark, fleshy, tissue and it was really painful. My doctor told me that wasn't normal and he wanted to send me for another ultrasound but first he had news for me. They tested the fetal remains and nothing obvious jumped out at them but they still believe there was most likely something wrong with the baby. They also told me it would have been a girl. 

They sent me back to ultrasound where they told me they missed some stuff and I needed to go back into the operating room to have the procedure done again. I've just been through so much in the past month or so and I don't know what to do anymore. My regular doctor put me on medication for my panic attacks. I spoke to a friend of my fiance's and she said the doctors told her the same thing about her daughter but she kept her anyway and took the chance and her daughter came out perfectly fine. I just wanna know if anyone else has been through this? What did you do? I think I did the right thing but hearing his friend say her daughter was fine makes me wonder. I shouldn't spend my time thinking about what could have been because obviously there is nothing I can do about it now but it hurts. I just really need some advice and as I said before I would love to hear from anyone who's been through this situation too.  

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:44 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:50 AM
That wouldn of been a reaaon for me personally cos they told me there was a chance my dd would have down syndrome an I refused the amnio. I had a beautiful healthy normal baby girl an expectin baby 2 in june.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this


I would say fight for custody of your children since he took them to another state and well it's showing on your children to be away from you.

I always take negative news with a grain of salt, I dont know why they didnt want to do further testing like an amnio etc, when I was pregnant with DS they told me that after taking one of those "routine" tests that they were 100% that he would have downs never life a normal life etc, they pestered me to try to terminate and I said NO, I couldnt do it, he was born just fine. I later found out that there are alot of false positives and many conditions that fix themselves.

I think you made the decision based on what you were told and it;s a hard decision **hugs**

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:56 AM

I think the best word of advice I can offer is a therapist.  A termination no matter what the reason is beyond stressful, and talking through it with someone may be your best chance of working though it. 

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:56 AM
I don't believe in abortion but you can't change what is already done. I know there are support groups for women who had abortions out there so maybe find one of those?
Hugs and prayers.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:13 AM

You have to forgive yourself, stop punishing yourself and move forward. Your never going to be able to lead a happy productive life if you live inside your guilt of your choices. Don't fight for custody, instead fight for your right to be a part of your daughters lives. Move close to them and never stop fighting for their respect and love. Your oldest is just deeply hurt that she doesn't have a mother. I think you should move to be closer to them, get a job there, and start a new positive chapter in your life. Just keep in mind for future, always get a second opinion when it comes to major medical situations. You probably should see somebody because at this point you're probably suffering from depression. It would help to just talk it out with a professional that can help you to see your options and that all is not lost.

by Ruby Member on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:21 AM
Wondering about the what ifs will not help you. The 2 of you made the decision that was best for you and now you just need the time to heal. Its just something that will take time and cant be forgotten. Its the loss of a child.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:32 AM

I'm so sorry hun I do believe that with time and counseling/therapy that would help you but it's true you never forget it, it will get easier though. Don't give up on the 2 children you have fight to get them back, I have been through a custody battle myself with my oldest dd and all turned ok in the end. Hang in there, stay strong! Hugs

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
I couldn't have done that for any reason because sometimes they are wrong and plus I just couldn't do that.
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 1:36 PM

I am currently in couseling. They had a waiting list but due to the circumstances they bumped me up so I could be soon plus my fiance and I are in couples counseling so we can work through this together. As for my daughters in Florida, I'm still part of their lives. I write to them and call them twice a week. It's the most I can call right now due to my ex's schedule but he and I are on good terms and he sends me pictures of them. I can't move closer to them. Florida just isn't an option for me. I lived down there for 6 months and it was awful. I understand it would be for my children but I just couldn't do it. I love my girls with all my heart and I hope someday my oldest will realize I did NOT abandon her. I was in the hospital when he moved them to Florida. I was in New York at the time. I was fighting it in court and the judge demanded that he bring the children back to New York for the next appearance which he did not and she was pretty pissed off at him and he realized he wasn't going to win and he pulled the case out of the New York court system and said he was filing in Florida but he never did. Right now it's probably still best that they stay there. I just hope they know how much I love them. I know my oldest will one day understand. She's only 4 and hearing what she's been told so I know she doesn't know any better. It still doesn't make it any easier when I call her and she tells me she hates me. I gave her some space. I stopped calling to talk to her for awhile. I would call and ask how they were doing and see if she was in a better mood. I didn't want to force her to talk to me if she didn't want to talk. I felt that would just make her hate me more. I didn't want to make her feel like she was obligated to speak to me if she didn't want to. I don't know. It just seems like I've managed to destroy everything I have in my life. It's tough. I know I can make it through this.

by Silver Member on Nov. 26, 2011 at 1:41 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)