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First time mommy. So very depressed!

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:06 PM
  • 14 Replies

I'm 17 weeks pregnant with my first child. 

I have always struggled with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD. Once I found out I was pregnant (with my second unplanned child in a year and a half; the first I miscarried after 9 weeks). I was previously on imipram, buspar, and xanax. I quit all of them cold turkey, terrified that I might hurt my baby, who immediately became the single most important thing to me and the absolute love of my life. 

I guess I never really expected to carry this long. I kept waiting for a miscarriage in the beginning and went into the emergency room every time I felt a cramp or anything I felt like could be wrong. My baby is healthy and BIG (the size of a 19 week old, not a 17 week old!). Their heartbeat is so beautiful and so strong and I've grown more and more in love with them as I watch and feel them grow and continue to be healthy. I've never been so in love with anyone or anything in my life. 

However, my depression and anxiety has only continued to worsen. The only anti-depressant my doctor felt comfortable offering me is one I've tried before that had terrible results for me. I feel as if no one loves me, no one loves my baby like I do, and no one is happy or excited for me and this baby. My sister and cousin are both pregnant and due 2 months and 4 months ahead of me (respectively), so I feel like my baby is taking a serious back burner and its lost its excitement because there's so many of us! 

I've started breaking down into rampages, anger like I've never felt before, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and I'm not able to control it, or so it feels. I've begun to resent many of my family members and even my boyfriend (the father) for not understanding and sympathizing with my pregnancy. I've started to feel as if its because I'm less special than the other members of my family or that maybe people just don't love me and I'm the only one who loves this baby. 

I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore. I've been so sick and I'm so emotionally exhausted but I don't feel that anyone cares or they just blame it on hormones. 

I'm scared for myself. I've considered suicide even, but what's sustaining me is my love for this precious, innocent little child inside of me, my child. Every bit of my soul, every hormone in my body says I have to live to see him or her and hold them in my arms, no matter how difficult it may be. Even now, I'm crying as I type this. The love I feel for this child is overwhelming, moreso than any amount of depression could be. I know I could never hurt myself because I could never, EVER hurt my child. I lost one before and I can't bear the idea of losing another, especially by my own hand. 

i just feel very alone and very lost. I don't know what to do for myself anymore. 


Any other mothers experienced this before? Any advice? I'll do anything to change my current situation. I just want to be happy and I want others to be happy with me. '

Help, help, help. 

by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Paty123
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Aww all I have to say is stay strong you can pull through this!
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anka.yanik
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:16 PM

Honestly, that's exactly why I'm here. I'm hoping that someone out here will understand. 

I haven't gotten any words of encouragement from anyone. And even if its coming from a total stranger online, every "You can do it." and every "Just stay strong" is a pebble added to the mountain of strength I'd like to possess before my baby is born. 

I just feel that I have to beat this before I have my little love in my arms. 

xLilBit22
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Hang in there hun. For you and baby
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meam4444
by Emerald Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Hugs To you
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ctaylor1211
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Why not get a jar and put a penny in it for everytime you hear you can do it  or any other encouragement or someone writes it to you.  That way when you get depressed you can look at your jar and remember you have that many people rooting for you.  And BTW you can do it and you will do it.

anka.yanik
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:45 PM

I think that is a fantastic idea. Because I know a lot of these feelings are just imagined and not reality. I know there must be a lot more love for me and my baby than I realize and my family and friends just don't realize how hopeless I'm feeling right now. 

I'll definitely have to do that! Thanks!

cailliermommy
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:46 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting ctaylor1211:

Why not get a jar and put a penny in it for everytime you hear you can do it  or any other encouragement or someone writes it to you.  That way when you get depressed you can look at your jar and remember you have that many people rooting for you.  And BTW you can do it and you will do it.


^^ I made my 17yr old sister a "Love Jar". She was feeling this way. She has had to empty this jar and was able to buy her baby, she is due March 31st,  some really cute outfits! You can do this and you are going to make a wonderful mommy. Have you tried meditation for your rages?? Really helps!

ctaylor1211
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:49 PM

:) I like the love jar idea too just do them in one jar so any encouragement any i love you any nice things you are told or sent or typed or written add a penny.  You are going to find out how important you really are. 

gardensparrow
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 11:04 AM

Oh, friend, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much emotionally right now. I can tell how much you love your baby and want the best for him/her, but this depression is really weighing you down. And, I'm glad you've been talking to your doctor about how you're feeling. It's definitely important to get as much help from that quarter as you can. I know besides your history of depression, the hormones in your body right now can also really affect your moods. So, just something to keep in mind. Lastly, do you see a counselor that you can talk with on a regular basis about what you're dealing with? It's so important to have that ongoing support. They might even be able to make some suggestions of support groups nearby-people you can talk with who understand what you're going through. Well, please know that I'm praying for you. I hope you'll be surrounded by lots of love and care right now. ((Hugs))!

tjane3000
by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 11:15 AM
You need to get help. Talk to your doctor about sending you to a counselor. If they recommend it it should be covered by insurance. Also whatever meds they can offer, try them. I know you said you have tried it before but your body is different now. They have some that will not hurt baby, this depression however will. If you love your bAby you need to take the correct steps and get help. I dealt with this with ds. It's not easy but you can do it. Stay strong!
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