Sorry this is long, but I need to vent. I got my first bfp in August 2012 and my husband and I were excited to have our first baby. A week later I miscarried. I pretty much got pregnant again right away, and got a bfp at the end of October. I was afraid to get attached to the idea of being pregnant because of my previous loss. I thought that after I heard the heartbeat for the first time I would start getting more attached. I was thrilled to hear the heartbeat, and started feeling better about the pregnancy.
As my 20 week ultra sound approached I started getting more and more nervous. I desperately wanted a girl and knew I would be devastated if it was a boy. A few nights before my ultra sound I had a dream that I gave birth to a boy, and I was completely numb, and didnt really want anything to do with the baby. Well my ultra sound has come and gone, and we really are having a boy. I tried to act excited while we were there, but my heart was broken. I went home and bawled my eyes out.
I did some shopping, and picked out some boy clothes and started planning his nursery, which made me feel a little better. But now I am sitting here crying again, because I really do not want a little boy right now! I wanted a girl first! I feel so guilty. I should be happy that he is healthy. Everyone keeps asking if I am excited, and I keep hiding behind the excuse that I cant think of a boy name, I hate them all. Everyone keeps telling me that once he is here I will be over the moon with excitement. I dont believe them. I just feel so depressed and unattached to this baby.
Married to my soulmate, Ben *8.13.11*