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Unattached & feeling depressed

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Sorry this is long, but I need to vent. I got my first bfp in August 2012 and my husband and I were excited to have our first baby.  A week later I miscarried.  I pretty much got pregnant again right away, and got a bfp at the end of October.  I was afraid to get attached to the idea of being pregnant because of my previous loss.  I thought that after I heard the heartbeat for the first time I would start getting more attached.  I was thrilled to hear the heartbeat, and started feeling better about the pregnancy.  

As my 20 week ultra sound approached I started getting more and more nervous.  I desperately wanted a girl and knew I would be devastated if it was a boy.  A few nights before my ultra sound I had a dream that I gave birth to a boy, and I was completely numb, and didnt really want anything to do with the baby.  Well my ultra sound has come and gone, and we really are having a boy.  I tried to act excited while we were there, but my heart was broken. I went home and bawled my eyes out.  

I did some shopping, and picked out some boy clothes and started planning his nursery, which made me feel a little better. But now I am sitting here crying again, because I really do not want a little boy right now! I wanted a girl first! I feel so guilty. I should be happy that he is healthy.  Everyone keeps asking if I am excited, and I keep hiding behind the excuse that I cant think of a boy name, I hate them all.  Everyone keeps telling me that once he is here I will be over the moon with excitement.  I dont believe them. I just feel so depressed and unattached to this baby. sad

~*Kristina*~
Married to my soulmate, Ben *8.13.11* 


by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Replies (21-22):
Tea4Tas
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:05 PM

Older Brothers are the bomb-really.   This is hormones and nerves. You will see.

ImNotKarl
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I know gender disappointment can be really hard. I also know that no matter what I say, it's not going to make it better, and you won't understand until you're in the right place and you're holding your son, but honestly and truly, it's going to be ok. Let yourself be upset now, if that's what it takes. Don't feel guilty about not being attached right away. Don't let other people bring you down. Believe me when I say that having a little boy in your life is going to be so rewarding, and you're going to love him so much it's not going to matter that you got him before your girl. It might just take some time and getting to know him first before you realize how absolutely perfect he is.

I have a 2-year-old boy. My husband wanted a girl so bad. He didn't plan anything with me, shop for boy things with me, and he only spent about 20 minutes at our baby shower, in spite of the fact that he had friends there too. Then our son was born and I didn't deliver the whole placenta, and Cooper needed oxygen, and it was so scary, and he held our little boy who wasn't moving or making a sound and held the oxygen over his face while the midwife took care of me, and any doubt was gone, and Brandon just wanted our son to be ok. He immediately loved him so much and he was terrified of losing him, and from the second he was born and my husband held his tiny perfect little body it didn't matter anymore that he was a boy. He was HIS boy. Multiple times over the last two years he's told me, "I wanted a girl, but I'm so glad we got Cooper. He's so cool." lol

It gets better. I promise. There is a day when it honestly won't matter and you'll just love your baby and think he's perfect. Until then, grieve any way you have to.

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