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Be present for the birth or not?

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:24 PM
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I dont know if this is the eight group for me to ask for advice from, but I dont know where else to post.

My husband cheated on me recently and got a woman pregnant. I forgave him and we are working things out. The "baby mama" for lack of a beter term wants him to be in the delivery room with her while giving birth. I want him to take responsability for the child. But, I think child birth is a very intimate moment shared between couples. Not affair lovers. Am I wrong forbnot wanting him there? Im trying to keep the peace for the childs sake. Me and my huaband have 3 kids together already, in my eyes its like having 2 families and putting us on the back burner. What do you think?
by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:24 PM
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by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:32 PM
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wow!!! well, I don't think I could forgive my dh for cheating AND getting the woman pregnant so you must be a strong strong woman....I really hope you do work it out and you're able to find some way to trust him again....IF he is truly going to be trustworthy...again, I don't know if I could handle that myself but in your case.....if I were able to do what you're doing....NO WAY IN HELL should he be in that delivery room!!!!!! put your foot down IS a very intimate thing for two people to share.....she should've thought of that before she decided to be stupid and sleep with a married man. He should give financial support and be able to see the child but should have very limited contact with her and the only contact, in my opinion, should be solely about the child and nothing more.

that is a tough tough position for you to be in...I certainly don't envy you...  *hugs*

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:34 PM
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Gosh, I don't even know what I'd do in your shoes so I have no advice.  I hope you both can agree on a deicsion, though!  Hugs!

by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:35 PM
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its the birth of his child of course he should be there .I can understand why you dont want him there .but put it aside this is an experience he shouldn't miss it could help him bond with his child too .

by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:36 PM
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I dont think I could forgive my dh if he did that .
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 1:49 PM
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Wow, that's crazy. I think for me, I would say he should be there because that's his child, not because of the mom. She can have other support people there who are there for her so he doesn't have to have some intimate experience with her like couples would do, but he should be there to see his child come into the world, in my opinion. Of course, I can't imagine ever being in that situation... so maybe in the heat of the moment I would feel differently.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 2:18 PM

thats tough and idk if i could answer that lol

by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 2:24 PM
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 it's his child.  the birth of a child is about THE CHILD.  yes, it's intimate but that's his baby regardless of how it came to be.  yes, he should be there for HIS CHILD.  you've chosen to forgive him and work things out and part of that will be learning how to manage both worlds.  if you aren't already, i would suggest personal counseling as well as family counseling to have a 3rd party help you guys negotiate this situation.

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 2:48 PM
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My ex and I split before my DD was born and while he wasn't married and there wasn't another family to consider, I felt strongly that he deserved to be there for the birth of his child regardless of what had happened between us. It was not intimate. At all. My family was there and it was pretty damn awkward but we did it for the sake of our child. I certainly understand your feelings but they are coming from a place of hurt, anger and betrayal. Unfortunately if you're going to forgive him that means understanding that this is a moment he can't get back. If he wants to be there it should be his call, not yours. And he shouldn't be afraid it will upset you.
by on Mar. 5, 2014 at 12:02 AM
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Birth is not just about the child.   The mother needs to feel safe and supported in an intimate time in this.   This can mean a lot of things.    It doesn't mean he needs to be the one to do it.
If they aren't a couple then she can choose to have a close friend or relative be her labor supporter and he can come and meet the baby shortly after.

I guess I would want to learn more about his intentions with her *and* the baby because attending labor is relative to the kind of experience the mom wants/needs to deliver safely and happily.   If this was a one night stand or short-lived affair then his attendance might not be appropriate or relevant.

Would he be happy to be on call/stand by?

by Amber on Mar. 5, 2014 at 12:44 AM
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I can see both sides.

This is the birth of his child. It may not be a child made with his wife, but it is nonetheless his flesh and blood. Put all your anger aside and think about how you would feel to be in her shoes. Alone, pregnant with the child of a man who is not an option, and about to go through a big life change.

I also see your side. Birth can be such an intimate, sensual experience and I believe that it is something that is best left to couples or a trusted partner. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband being in there.

An alternative option may be available. Would you both be willing to pay for her to have a doula present so she is supported without your husband having to be there? Otherwise, I'd just have him sit in the waiting room or come after the birth. It should ultimately be his decision though, imo. Maybe speak to a couples therapist to navigate this conflict.
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