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Pregnancy & Loss of a Parent

Posted by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:46 AM
  • 10 Replies
Hi everyone,

I am 12 weeks pregnant & my mother passed away Thursday, March 6th. I am beside myself. I knew it was coming as we got her diagnoses of stage 4 lung cancer that had metastatized to her brain, given 3 to 6 months, she didnt make it to 4 months. I know she is no longer suffering. I feel like numb lead. I feel terrible.
4 years ago I gave birth to my dd, and 1 month later my grandmother passed suddenly. I was devastated. My grandmother raised me because my mother was very ill from alcoholism.
The cycle of life, springtime, one must pass for a new life to come....blah, blah, blah...
Im adopted & it just seems that as my adoptive family passes, im creating my blood relatives.
It has been a very hard time & i pray this new life is healthy, waiting for maternity21 test results.
I was hoping to know others peoples stories, & coping techniques....
Thank you in advance....
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:46 AM
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by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:16 AM
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I'm so sorry. I cant imagine what you are going through. Praying for you.
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:39 AM
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I am very sorry, and unfortunately for me, I do know what you are going through, almost...

My parents were BOTH diagnosed with cancers around the same time.  The year that I got married, my Dad died five months before my wedding, and my mom died just ten days before my wedding.  Since she was cremated, we actually had her funeral the day after my wedding, since all the relatives were going to be in town anyway.  So I literally wore white one day and black the next.

Maybe the way I coped with that will help somewhat in your case:  First of all, let yourself cry whenever you need to.  I don't imagine holding that stress in will be good for you or the baby.  Second, try to mentally separate "my mother has died" from "I'm going to have a baby."  Be sad about your mom, and be happy about your baby.  If you let them blend together into one big clump of "My mom died while I'm pregnant," it will suck the joy out of your pregnancy, and you deserve to be happy about your little one on the way!

Although we did not get pregnant until two years after my parents passed, I still have those times when I think, "How can I do this without my Mom?"  And in your case, you may be thinking that about both your mom and your grandmother.  I'm sure it helps that you have already been through a pregnancy and are raising a child, but maybe it's just the feeling of knowing that your mother will never meet your new baby.  I just try to remember that she is watching over me, and in a way I guess I think of it as "passing the torch."  She used to be the mom, and your grandma used to be the mom figure too, but now with each addition to your family, one of them is passing on that responsibility to you.  It's your turn now, and you will make them proud!

Of course I will also make sure to tell my children all the wonderful things about their grandparents.  Our first is due in a month and we are middle-naming her after my mom so that in a way, a part of my mother will always be with my daughter.

Hope this helped and didn't make you cry too much lol.  I won't lie, I'm crying a little just writing it.  I don't think the pain ever completely goes away, but it does get better with time.

by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 2:12 PM
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Sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My grandma passed a few months after having my 5th. My mom got diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer Jan 2013 it spread fast to her lungs and we lost her August 2013 right after school started. It was so hard, I became pregnant with my 7th child right after she passed. It has been tuff and having to go through the first holidays without her. It was hard on the kids too. We just take it day by day. I am sorry for your loss. I plan on doing something in her memory with this baby. Which I believe she had blessed me with. Dh and I weren't trying. she knew I wanted another girl. We are expecting our third girl :)
by Ruby Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 2:34 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss
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by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:07 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. My father passed away a little over a year ago, and it really was devestating. I found that allowing myself to feel and experience the pain as it came was a healthy way to deal with it. Even though it felt like I could never stop hurting at the time, it really has been getting easier with time. 

by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:59 PM
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I am so sorry!! My mom passed in August 2013. I was able to tell her I was pregnant before she lost her battle to cancer. I had my first ob appt on Aug 12, when I left the dr and was header to my parents to sit with Mom for a bit, I got the call that she passed while I was in the exam room. It hurts not having her with me, she was in the delivery room with 2 of my 3 children. Lots of hugs to you!! Moms really do make everything better.
by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 4:07 PM
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Im sorry for your loss

by Bronze Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 5:29 PM
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I lost my mom 2 Januarys ago and my grandpa 10 days later when I was 14 weeks pregnant with my last one. It was so hard but I really think being pregnant is what kept me sane through it all. It really did put happiness into my life when I was extremely down. I found out the sex at 16 weeks just a couple of weeks after they passed and it gave me something to look fwd to on top of the grief and having to clean her rental house out the weekend after she passed. I am so sorry for your loss. It is really hard, I know. 

by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:28 PM
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aww, i am so sorry for your loss. i haven't experienced this, but my advice would be to make sure you grieve properly, let yourself go thru the emotions and process them

by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:13 PM
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I am so so sorry first of all. My father passed away from lung cancer on January 2nd 2012. My father and I were never that close though because he was never involved. My grandpa (dad's dad) ended up getting lung cancer also later that year but had surgery to remove it and the doctors were pretty confident he would recover. He never got better and passed away in the hospital in March of 2013. My grandma (moms mom) was the other person that raised me when my mom had to work. My grandma was always my best friend. She went on hospice about the same time my grandpa passed away and she passed away at 80 in May of 2013. Definitely a tough year but I'm pregnant now and honestly think my grandma had a hand in it oddly. We were having trouble conceiving our second child and I got a sign from her (I think it was a sign anyway). That very cycle I got pregnant. =)
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