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What Do I Do Now? :'(

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:44 AM
  • 17 Replies

Hi Ladies I need some advice. Most of you know that I am 4 months almost 5 months pregnant with twins and just tonight by husband told me that he has nothing to do with these babies that I am carring. I want these babies I want to be a mama more than anything and now he feels like he is not a part of it or doesnt want a part of it. What do I do? Is this a phase that most men go through when they are about to become daddies? Please help!

by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
corber2114
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:34 AM
I hope it's just a phase, DH is going thru the same thing :( he hasn't acted interested at all lately I feel like I'm doing this myself
Nicole_2007
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 8:48 AM
I found giving my husband something to do for baby helped. He picked the name with our first and helped picked bedding out and get things ready. It made him feel important
WonderWomanSV
by Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 10:20 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm not sure. This is forgein land to me . My husband takes complete responsibility. He helped make the babies, right?! I would be SO Frustrated if my husband said something like that. There's no way he can live with you and the babies and just ignore the whole thing. He's not a man if he can't take responsibility for his offspring. He needs a realty check. 
Sorry I got so worked up about this. I just don't understand how he can just cop out like that.  

summerbear
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:04 PM

Does he just feel like he has nothing to do with it? Or did he say he doesn't want anything to do with it? If it's the first, it is normal! You are the one feelingt he babies. You are going through the changes. My husband has been like that with all 5 pregnancies. 

He is an awesome dad. Very hands on and even changes diapers. But he jsut feels disconnected during the actual pregnancy. He comes to appointments. he sees the ultrasounds, he'll feel my belly when the baby is going nuts, but he says there is a level of disconnect. 

If it's the second one, you both really need to sit down and discuss things further. Where to go from here. If he wants nothing to do with the pregnancy, will he want the babies? Will he support you and the babies? 

Hopefully it is just the first one and once the babies get bigger and he start putting together the baby gear and cribs he will see that this is really happening and start to connect some. Good luck!

a06z08mama
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:17 PM
My dh has shut me off the last couple weeks due to a lot of stress. He is super busy at work, takes care of the kids at night while I am at work and is worried that he will fail again at being a father. He is worried about being there financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It wasn't til I had a breakdown and called him out on why he was acting different towards that he finally said why.

Maybe he is under stress and is worried about the future with bringing two babies into the world at once. Try to talk to him about it.
momma-flynn
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:28 PM
Hopefully it is a phase. He's probably stressed and scared about the future. Men don't always have the bond during pregnancy because they can't feel the baby like you can. It's not a free pass for him to ignore the pregnancy, but maybe you can find a way to help him connect.
MamaBearEH
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:57 PM

A lot of men need time, and a physical baby to get into it.  Not sure I'd be pushing it in fear of pushing him farther away from you & your babies.

Only thing I would do, like summerbear suggested, is to clarify on whether or not he wants to be a father to them or not.  If not, then I'd be looking into preparations before they are born so you don't have to deal with the stress of 2 newborns on top of that.

Pregnancy Journal for 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 3334 | 35 | 36 | 37 weeks

meam4444
by Emerald Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:23 PM

hugsSome men it is a phase, and for some it isn't and they run.  I would talk with him more about what he is feeling. 

flowerfunleah
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:58 PM

All men go through a freak out stage when they're expecting their first baby, I can imagine that it would be doubled with twins on the way!

The way I see it men see having their first babies as a loss of freedom in life and in a way it's true that they do lose SOME freedoms, if your husband was used to doing what he wants when he wants then yeah, he's gonna freak out about having children. Him telling you that he wants nothing to do with these babies is his way of trying to secure the freedom he has now for down the road after they're born. He figures that if you EXPECT nothing from him then he won't have to DO anything when it comes to the babies after they're born. It's a manipulation tactic. 

When Dh and I were expecting our daughter back in 2010 (we're expecting twins in May!) I made sure to converse with him my expectations of him as a father and that included watching the baby while I showered, changing diapers, feedings, going out with the baby, etc. Dd is 4 now and while it took a good year or so after she was born to really get into the parenting routine, it's been pretty good since then!

I would reassure your husband that while he wont be able to do exactly what he wants when he wants to, that perhaps you could set aside a day and time during the week for him to go and do whatever it is he wants, you know just so he has something to look forward to each week. For my Dh he volunteer's at a rock climbing gym twice a week after work and for ME (because you need a time for yourself too!) it's a prenatal yoga class one night and dinner with one of my girlfriends another. 

NoraDun
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

No not all men go through a freak out stage. My Hubby wanted to make our babies, he was excited when we found out we were pregnant and he helped me through the pregnancy! Your Husband sounds like a jerk. Did you two not discuss getting pregnant prior to doing so, or prior to getting married even?

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