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I failed

Posted by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:36 PM
  • 8 Replies

I am two month pregnant and not enjoying my pregnacy....I feel so guilty and sad

My international adoption failed a year and a half ago and we disrupted our adoption. Our adopted daughter and son (htey were siblings) were adopted again by a different couple. I posted my story online and got nothing but hate mail. Would would you do differently to have a different outcome? Are you familiar with older adopted children who have been institutionalized? When we adopted them we had two bio children 4 and 2 and home and then I got pregnat with a third one...

I am completely hearbroken and can't move on....

My husband and I were a happy family with 2 beautiful boys when I found myself pregnant with the third baby. I lost my baby to a miscarriage and I felt that I had to give love to somebody else’s child and adopt.Our hearts were drawn to Congo, a poor, war-torn country where genocide killed millions of people. There are 5 million orphans in DRC, and 50% of children do not live to their 5th Birthday. The agency asked us to adopt two children because the need is so great there. For us it has been a rough 1.5 year journey where we had to fill out mounds of paperwork and raise a large sum of money.  Then came the hardest part-waiting!We adopted a 2 year old girl who was found at night alone on a market square and a 1 year boy who was abandoned at birth in the hospital by his teenage mother.One beautiful spring day we received a call from our agency to get our children from the airport. The girl was very petite in a beautiful African dress calling her escort “Mama.” The little boy looked sad and tired.My daughter had an intestinal parasite that caused a severe malnourishment. It took us the longest time to figure out how to treat it. She also had an umbilical hernia that had to be urgently surgically repaired.We bonded at home and family grew from 4 to 6 members. There was a lot more cooking, cleaning and laundry.My unexpected pregnancy eight months after our adoption complicated everything. It was overwhelming with 5 kids, 4 of whom are under 4 y.o. but I was trying to do my best while also working part-time.When my baby was about 4 months old my 89 year old father unexpectedly arrived from Russia.Unfortunately my Dad’s health deteriorated rapidly and he lost his ability to walk and became incontinent, and needed nursing care which quickly depleted our accounts. I was coming to see him every day.Meanwhile there was constant conflict between my 4 year old adopted daughter and my eldest biological 7 year old son. She antagonized and taunted him and he got very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I took both children to a therapist, however it did not resolve their conflict.Also my adopted daughter M. did not trust me and wanted to be in control. Instead of asking me for something she would sneak to get it.She constantly challenged me.  M. smeared feces on the floor, destroyed her toys and clothes.Sometimes in public she approached strangers and asked to sit on their lap. She hurt our new baby behind my back. one time I saw her trying to suffocate my baby.Her therapist diagnosed her with disinhibited form of a Reactive Attachment Disorder.Our adopted son was delayed and needed many months of speech therapy. He did not make eye contact or smile.   He strongly preferred males and it didn’t help our bonding. L. also had a bad food obsession and ate until vomiting. He had violent anger outbursts.I told my dying Father about struggles with my children. He said that L. and M. and you are not happy with each other; set them free to parents that will make them happy. He became unresponsive and passed away that night.After the funeral, M. was particularly happy. She said that my Dad is not real and I never had a father.Soon I realized that our adopted children needed a new family that can meet their needs better. We had to save our other children and our marriage.Our adoption agency found them a new family where both parents are special needs educators. We legally disrupted our adoption in the court. We explained to our children that they will be going to a new Mommy and Daddy who will love them very much. Our adopted children were very excited to go and didn’t seem upset at all, they jumped in their new parents’ arms and waived us goodbye.They, to our knowledge, are thriving in their new family setting!My 8 y.o son became happy again. We don’t fight anymore with my husband and love each other.I, however, grieve my Dad’s death and our failed adoption. I can’t stop wondering was there anything else I could have done to save my family?

by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:36 PM
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by Emma on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:57 PM
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While you did what was best for everyone involved, if you don't plan on "keeping" an adopted child, don't adopt in the first place.

by Emma on Dec. 25, 2014 at 1:22 PM
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To answer your real question, I am looking into adoption and my brother and sister were adopted. I also understand what it means to come from a broken family with attachment issues, so first of all, I would focus on fixing trust issues and building a healthy relationship between me and the children, I see you saw a therapist, but if the behaviors weren't getting better, then I'd have found a *new* therapist, probably one who specializes in adoption, behavioral issues, and attachment disorders.

I also would rely on friends, family, and others to help us cope, to give us a break occasionally as needed, so we could stay as a family.

I would also be careful who I adopted. My brother and sister were placed together, but they were placed as only children in an adoptive family, my sister had issues (she tried to hurt my son as she was 4 years older, due to what she'd been through.) and younger children with her in the home until she was stable was a bad idea.

She thrived in a 2 child household. I guess what I want to say, is i'm not so desperate for children i'd take whatever came along, I'd want a full history, including known behavioral issues of said children, family history, what they'd been through and I'd want to get to know them first to make sur ethey were a good fit.

Taking the first kid who comes along isn't a good idea. You have no idea if they are compatible with your family, and it's worth being cautious and patient to get the right kids/fit then just adopt to adopt.

by Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 2:45 PM
Honestly, it does not sound like you did enough research on adoption. I think a lot of people think it's all about glitter and rainbows but many of these children have been damaged and even with therapy and medical intervention they may never fully recover or become normally functioning adults.

Obviously, as you stated, you could not handle the children. How sad for everyone involved.
Hopefully they will thrive in their new environment after being thrown away twice.
by Silver Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 5:27 PM
In the end I think you did what was best for all involved, but tend to agree with the other ladies. It sounds like you jumped in without the knowledge you needed in order to make it successful. Adoption is for keeps. Tough times will always happen in life.
by Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 5:38 PM
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Sounds to me you were totally unprepared to adopt. My husband and I are looking into it for ourselves and already have the understanding that we can get a damaged child, especially if they're older. Anyone who wants to adopt should be made aware on how to handle children with special needs. I think the agency should've had you take classes and helped you find who to go to so you'd be prepared. I am glad that the kids you adopted did find a successful fit. Don't beat yourself up about it but use it to educate yourself and others.
by Member on Dec. 26, 2014 at 11:05 AM
Being adopted myself it sounds like you were definitely not prepared to adopt much less internationally. In state adoptions are hard enough and you added on medical issues, cultural issues and didn't have a complete history on your adoptive children.
Adoptive children take time to adjust and it isn't a quick or easy process. And from the sounds of it your kids weren't prepared either. Adoptive children aren't 'arm candy'. My parents adopted me and my sister when we were 3/2 and we were more for the social status than anything else.
My husband and I have discussed adopting since it means so much to me. In AZ at least you have to go thru months of training to adopt and part of that training includes dealing with behavior issues and adjusting. Please consider doing a lot more research and being selective in who you adopt. We've got hundreds of thousands of abandoned kids in America and our support system is better adoption wise than going internationally.
by Member on Dec. 26, 2014 at 1:30 PM
I don't think you should beat yourself up,.. You tried to give them a loving home, you tried to help them with their issues, the point is you tried.. Which is more then most people do.No one can prepare themselves fully because you can't totally anticipate the extremely wide range of phsycological issues children may have...
They are happier now and thriving, your family is happier now so you did the right thing.
by Silver Member on Dec. 26, 2014 at 8:37 PM
What everyone else said . You where very unprepared and should have done your research and determined what was best before you adopted. We want to adopt that child will be our child just like our bio kids and not will be thrown away like a pet that you realized was to hard of a challenge. Had that been one of your bio kids you would have got all the help you could not have them adopted . You honestly should not adopt again and um not trying to be mean but but ita not for everyone
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