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Need to get this off my chest.....

Posted by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 9:37 PM
  • 10 Replies

I am not able to keep this in anymore because it's tearing me apart. i haven't said anything for fear of being judged or looked down upon but now it's more important for me to risk that so I can see if I am alone in these thoughts. . 

This is my 4th pregnancy and I am 10 weeks pregnant. It was unplanned but not a bad situation to happen in. Sure, it could always be easier though, So, here is my thing, the minute I found out I was pregnant....I felt invaded. Almost defensive against whatever is growing inside of me. Like this life growing inside of me was slowly klling me. Then it went to feeling almost nothing at all. Complete detachment. That was just the emotional level. Physically I was sick almost from the beginning. Now they have dianosed me with Hyperemisis Gravidarum. That in and of itself is adding a whole new stress factor. Then at 6 weeks they dianosed me with a threatened miscarriage because I was bleeding and cramping so hard. It's been nothing but a roller coaster the past 2 months. I feel like with this unplanned pregnancy everything I once was accustomed to and loved is now changing.

Examples: Have to get a bigger vehicle to fit the family.
                    Need a bigger house.
                    I can no longer take pleasure in simple things like coffee, chocolate and other foods I use to like.
                    I puke on average 7 times a day & hysically can't function the way I did before this pregnancy.
                    

I don't care to spend time looking for baby things. I am not excited about telling people. I hear congradulations and I just want to shug my shoulders & say thanks. I have heard it's heartbeat, seen a little flicker on the u/s at 6 weeks...but I feel no connection. Almost like it's not MY child. It's like I have someone else's child to love. Does this make sense? 
Then I end up wondering and worrying that there is something wrong with me. I feel so guilty for not getting all excited and anxious for this new little life. It saddens me to feel so outside of this pregnancy. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way or I am alone in this???

by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 9:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
keavj2015
by Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 10:26 PM
I did with my last almost to the point of resentment, but I adjusted over time and looked at the positives a new life to love and nurture and know it will love you unconditional, look at it at like the things I once enjoyed ill savour later, it really is still a mental state of shock try looking at baby things more often you will come around Hunny get excited isn't easy but it will come I came around soon after I found out it was a girl
kiki719
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 10:27 PM
Mine is.unplanned we have 5 children. My dh has 3 plus my son me and him have a dd also. This one was not planned felt very upset but now Im fine.
ShowMustGoOn86
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 11:04 PM
My current pregnancy is unplanned, and so far, it's not a truly bad pregnancy, but it's certainly not fun. I'm more ambivalent than anything else.
My pregnancy with my youngest was planned, but it was awful. I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home, I was always sick, had so many complications. I was physically miserable, and emotionally very unstable, partially because of the hormones, but also because I was missing so much and my life was so completely derailed. I went through periods where I actively disliked and blamed him, where I just wanted it all to end so I could feel even a bit more normal. I just wanted to be able to drink water without having to get dosed up with medications. Among other things, I had severe HG to the point where they were giving me IV feedings because I just could not tolerate anything in my stomach. The second he was born, following a frightening and very fast labor and delivery, it was all better. It took a while to get back on my feet physically, but I fell in love with my baby boy. It was all worth it. Doesn't mean I'm the least bit happy to risk something like that again, but I do know that chances are, when this baby is born, I'll feel the same way. There is a huge difference between being pregnant and actually having that baby in your arms. Good luck!
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kmqw229
by Ruby Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 11:06 PM
Big hugs!
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courtAKAmommy
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:11 AM

Don't feel guilty. Your still early in you pregnancy and your still surprised! I never got excited about my first baby coming however I was very young. But once she was here I felt that instant connection and love. Also I have never been that mom who can look at a 8 week U/S and feel like that is my baby. It just looks like a little blob with a heartbeat.

I'm 35 weeks along with number 4 and I go through spells of no excitement. I don't feel prepared and I start thinking about the sleepless nights and struggles of breastfeeding. Also this is the first time I have been team green so it's harder for me to picture baby and feel like it has an identity like I did with the others. But then those days go away I can't wait for baby to get here and see his or her little face and hear it's first cry.

I hope things get easier for you. Good Luck

palemoon21
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 10:11 AM

I am not feeling like the baby is to blame for any of this. I don't hate or dislike it by any means. I am just feeling so distant and removed from the pregnancy. It's not normal for me and did not happen in my other pregnancies so it's unsettling for me. 
I do like the term you used though, "ambivalent" is a wonderful way to sum it up. Thank you for your encouragment! 

Quoting ShowMustGoOn86: My current pregnancy is unplanned, and so far, it's not a truly bad pregnancy, but it's certainly not fun. I'm more ambivalent than anything else. My pregnancy with my youngest was planned, but it was awful. I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home, I was always sick, had so many complications. I was physically miserable, and emotionally very unstable, partially because of the hormones, but also because I was missing so much and my life was so completely derailed. I went through periods where I actively disliked and blamed him, where I just wanted it all to end so I could feel even a bit more normal. I just wanted to be able to drink water without having to get dosed up with medications. Among other things, I had severe HG to the point where they were giving me IV feedings because I just could not tolerate anything in my stomach. The second he was born, following a frightening and very fast labor and delivery, it was all better. It took a while to get back on my feet physically, but I fell in love with my baby boy. It was all worth it. Doesn't mean I'm the least bit happy to risk something like that again, but I do know that chances are, when this baby is born, I'll feel the same way. There is a huge difference between being pregnant and actually having that baby in your arms. Good luck!


HippieMomma08
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 12:52 PM

It's the HG and you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

This is my 3rd pregnancy and I had HG for the first 20 wks. I lost close to 30lb and it was just awful. I found myself almost blaming the baby growing inside of me for what was happening to me, my daughters were afraid because I was so sick all the time and when I wasn't throwing up, I was in excruciating pain because my muscles would tear due to all the retching.

There were nights I'd wake up, screaming in pain and I'd tell my husband that I just wanted 'it' to go away. Then I would of course feel terrible, this was a planned baby and what kind of mother would wish her own baby away?

It's hard. Really hard. Don't keep it bottled up. Tell your spouse, tell your OB, talk to a counselor if you can. My husband found a support site for HG survivors and it really helped me reading their stories, knowing that I wasn't the only one who had ever felt this way.. I cried a lot. 

I was lucky. I eventually got back to normal by about 20wks. 

You are still so early. There is lots of time for you to bond, don't pressure yourself. Don't feel bad if it seems forced. If you start having scary thoughts, let someone know. Otherwise just know that you are not alone and this in NO WAY means that once your baby gets here you won't love him/her with your whole heart.

MamaBearEH
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:38 PM

Not everyone instantly gets all giddy about being pregnant, though it sounds like you might be dealing with something more.  Hormones definitely a factor!

I'd seek some help in counselling.

Pregnancy Journal for...
27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 3334 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 weeks | 40 | 41 | 42


Stephanie116
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 4:33 PM
This is baby #5 for us. Baby was not at all planned. We had decided it was time for permanent birth control. I'm 22 weeks and still not really excited. Our families are more excited then we are. We are stressed over needing a bigger vehicle and house, neither of which is in the cards for at least two more years. And let's not even get started on the added number of medical bills this pregnancy has added. I know in time things will work themselves out and we will be excited. That time has just not come yet.
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NoraDun
by Platinum Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 4:51 PM

I am instantly in love. So I can't relate, but it appears from above lots of women can. If after baby you continue to feel this way however talk to a Dr. It could be a depression thing or something and you could need meds so you dont have to worry about hurting yourself or your baby!! I hope things connect soon for you! Good Luck 

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