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Rescue me :(

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:14 AM
  • 5 Replies

 

               I need to be taken away. My husband is military and I live 16 hours away from family. My husband announced today that he isn't sure he wants to be together anymore.

      WTF, I am 27wks pregnant with your second child and you choose now to tell me this? You choose to tell me this now when you have been back from iraq long enough for your first child to actually get attatched to you and miss you when your gone. Seriously why couldn't you have decided this a long time ago? I am a big girl and I can pick up the pieces. But why now

       What am I supposed to do with a 3 year old and one on the way? He says he just needs time to figure things out. FIne whatever, everyone goes through those marriage slumps and knows that they need to figure things out. But to be told that he isn't sure he even wants to figure them out. How am I supposed to take that, he says it like it is no big deal. No big deal for who? I am going to be the one left with his kids all alone so that he can go off and start a new life while I have to mend this one like nothing ever happened! Or worse he will take my kids and I will be left with no one....

     I don't want to say "its not fair", because in my head all I hear is "who says life is fair". I just cant get over it. What went wrong what am I doing wrong. What has changed? We don't fight, we don't scream we always talk and we are together. One of those families that when you look at them they make you sick because "they are so happy, so perfect".

     Yeah well perfect SUCKS! I have done this before. I have given myself and catered to someone selflessly only to get dumped on and I just can't play the waiting game again. I cant sit and wait around for him to decide that he doesn't want us anymore.

       He will be gone until monday (for work) when he gets back how am I supposed to act? He acts like this is no big deal, I can't act like that... When he first started talking about it I thought "oh just one of those days, he will get over this" and then today when he said he isn't sure if he will or not.

      The hardest part about this is, I have no one here. My family is so far away and he is my best friend so who am I supposed to turn to ? He is the person I turn to when everything goes wrong. What did I do wrong? What do I do now? I told him I would go home to let him figure things out but he said he doesn't want us gone because he will miss us but he isn't sure he wants us here either.

    Its not like we suffocate each other, he is gone for a week out of the month for work and when he is here I work 6-2 everyday at a daycare our child is with me. He has time to himself to be "single" and then family time. I just dont understand.....

   Advice? 

pregnancy
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:14 AM
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Replies (1-5):
starrynight819
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:16 AM

i'm sorry. i can't imagine how stressed you are...


but heres a bump so maybe someone can help you

pregnancy

My4LuvBugs07
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:25 AM

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  It seems pretty selfish of him to just drop this huge bomb on you, especially when you're pregnant.  I'm sure you haven't told the entire story, since this is just a post on a website.  But I'm curious, have you guys actually sat down and talked about it or considered counseling?  Has he told you at what point he thought he didn't want to be there anymore, what happened?  It also sounds pretty crappy to me that he says he will miss you guys one minute but the next doesn't want to work things out.  He is either just completely immature and self-absorbed or confused.  If you have the ability to go stay with your family and they support you, then I would go.  I would give him the space and just leave for a while.  Right now, you need some support and love, not stress.  

I really don't know what type of advice to give when it seems your husband is, like I said, so much into his own feelings rather than those of his family.  If there are problems then they should be talked about and put on the table.  You took vows, right?  Everyone goes through phases where they need extra space or are frustrated with life but not everyone ditches their family because of it.  Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this and I really pray that everything works out for the best for you -- even if that means you have to leave.  Just stay strong....don't beg or cry or act crazy....keep your cool and know you are a strong person with lots to offer.  That your kids are MOST important here and you have to keep yourself together for them.  He won't take your kids.  And one other thing, NO ONE is perfect and no family is perfect.  Everyone has issues and problems.  Just know that you aren't alone.  GL

humnbyrd
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:28 AM

If he truely loved you, he would be fighting to keep the marriage together. "I need time to think about it" is just a cheap excuse. If I was you I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to "think about it". I would go to your family and have them for your support. I guess when he is done thinking about what he wants and stops being selfish, he can come beg you to forgive him. Ive been married almost 20 yrs. and we've had our problems too. We even seperated for 6 months, but we never gave up trying while we were seperated. The kids always came first and we fought to make it work for us and them. I think too many people get into marriage thinking its going to be something fun. And after the newness wears off and reality hits home, they just want to quit. I think a lot of people like the puppy love stage of dating and marriage. It's a lot of work, and if you truely want it you have to work at it. Will you always get along? No. Will you always love eachother like the first time you met? No. But as time goes on, your relationship evolves into something much greater. Good luck on your relationship, and it doesn't hurt to ask for help (pastor, counselor, friends) to help you both talk to eachother.


Sara

RustedRalncoat
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:31 AM

 

          I don't know. Thats the problem, we do talk about it and we have talked about it. It seems like every time we talk things just get worse though. We talked about it the other night and I swear I thought it was over and done with until tonight and it seemed to have escalated out of no where. We aren't the type of people who hide things and can't talk to one another.

    It started because the other night we got in to a conversation about things that worry him. He said things like school and work but then he said being a good dad. I asked why he thought he was a bad one because I think he is wonderful. He said lately he has been feeling guilty about his thoughts and I asked what his thoughts were and he said he has been missing the single life. Thats how it all got started ( again by talking about things). But then is someone ended up an issue of he and I not being like we used to be some how?

    He isn't at all immature, self absorbed at times (but who isn't) and I think the most part confused (he isn't a deep feeler, he is the type of guy who uses logic over feelings).... I think he doesn't realise that everyone goes through this in marriage (even though I told him they do). He feels like he is the only person to ever feel this way. And every time I try to explain things to him I seem to make it worse.

    Sorry I felt I had to clear things up a little..... Thank you for the kind words. I hate being in limbo... All I want is an answer to the question. Do you  think you want this life for better or for worse or do you not? If he could just answer that my life would be so much easier!

Quoting My4LuvBugs07:

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  It seems pretty selfish of him to just drop this huge bomb on you, especially when you're pregnant.  I'm sure you haven't told the entire story, since this is just a post on a website.  But I'm curious, have you guys actually sat down and talked about it or considered counseling?  Has he told you at what point he thought he didn't want to be there anymore, what happened?  It also sounds pretty crappy to me that he says he will miss you guys one minute but the next doesn't want to work things out.  He is either just completely immature and self-absorbed or confused.  If you have the ability to go stay with your family and they support you, then I would go.  I would give him the space and just leave for a while.  Right now, you need some support and love, not stress.  

I really don't know what type of advice to give when it seems your husband is, like I said, so much into his own feelings rather than those of his family.  If there are problems then they should be talked about and put on the table.  You took vows, right?  Everyone goes through phases where they need extra space or are frustrated with life but not everyone ditches their family because of it.  Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this and I really pray that everything works out for the best for you -- even if that means you have to leave.  Just stay strong....don't beg or cry or act crazy....keep your cool and know you are a strong person with lots to offer.  That your kids are MOST important here and you have to keep yourself together for them.  He won't take your kids.  And one other thing, NO ONE is perfect and no family is perfect.  Everyone has issues and problems.  Just know that you aren't alone.  GL


pregnancy
CAgirl1214
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:48 AM

that's a horrible position to be in.  Will you talk to him before he gets back or no?  If so i was just thinking maybe you should start rather than wait until he gets back and all this pent up hostility is there.  I just say that because i know how i would be, i hold major grudges and that would piss me off to no end.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I hope it works itself out.

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